Monday, December 21, 2009

Reflections

I was just looking back at some of my oldest posts and I noticed how much my writing style has changed. I come across a bit less brash, a little more eloquent I think. It's probably because I'm in a better place now. [I'd just like to briefly note that this post is my 40th. The control freak in me is satisfied that I'm ending 2009 with an even number of BlueShame posts. Strange, I know.]

When I started this blog [in March of this year], I was living in an 8x12 room 40 minutes from Manhattan [on a good day] with two corny, semi-useless 30 year olds. I was also reeling from a break-up with a man I had grown attached to, despite there being nothing of real worth between us. I was also jobless and broke. And let's not forget that all 12 months of 2008 were pretty much a waste of a year what with my depression, lack of funds and psycho roommate. Sooo yeah. To say I've bettered my life and grown up is pretty much an understatement.

I always try to think fondly of the past, even when it hurts to reflect on some of the things I've gone through. I'm an incredibly strong young lady. I am, an incredibly strong young lady. And luckily, I have the resilience of a child. What can ever break me? Perhaps I will pass before I know. I look towards the future warmly, and I can't wait to see what this New Year will bring.

I am proud of how far I've come and who I am today.
I have my own place.
I always pay my bills on time.
[And I arrive to appointments 10 minutes early.]
I've never touched a drug.
I have no "baggage".
I know how to be gracious.
I know how to cook.
I know how to clean a tub, a fridge, a floor, a room.
I know how to do my own makeup.
And my hurrh.
I can dress for many occasions:
An interview. A baby shower. A funeral.
I own lots of dress-up clothes.
And dress shoes.
I know how to listen.
How to say no.
I know when to stop.
And when to begin.

Soon I will know ashtanga and bikram quite well.
I will know how to play piano. Even if just a little.
I will know how to tell a short story in French.
I will sip coffee in Seattle in the spring.
I will see the blue waters of [insert tropical place here] with my own eyes.
And I'll navigate the winding streets of Paris with my own feet.
I will get on a plane and travel to a new destination at least 5 or 6 times.
And no matter how much fun I have, I'll look forward to coming home.
I'm trying to live my best life. [Thanks Oprah!]

I'm still working on my impatience though. It will be the death of me if I don't get a handle on it. That, and my random shopping impulses. And the fact that I panic and think I'm going to die every time I get sick [just ask me how I was this past week!] For reals.

HAPPY EFFIN' NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!
Make 2010 a good one.
No one else can do that like you can.


Remember to be smart and if all else fails on NYE... go out, get a drink or two, and then have people over! Thank you for all the support. See you next year y'all.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Parenthood

How does it feel to be loved by a Mother? A Father? A Grandmother? A Grandfather?

It's one thing that I have never felt, and never will feel. After all, you only get one set of parents. You only get a couple of grandparents too.

This isn't something I'm sad about. Or mad about. I hold no grudges or ill will towards my folks. Why? I don't know. I have hated people for less. You only get one set of parents.

There's an empty space somewhere in me. That's the only way I can describe it. An empty space. Not a hole. Just a space that can't be filled, because I don't know what to fill it with. It's like asking someone what other galaxies are like. You don't know. So you just wonder. And imagine. And dream. But you won't ever know for sure. Not in this lifetime.

My parents are both headstrong, classy, Latin mutts. They are also very different. I don't know much about my mother's true personality, I know nothing of who she once was. I like to think she had a whimsicality about her when she was young, but I may never really know. The last time I saw her or spoke to her was months ago [by choice] and she was up to her usual. In her world, manipulation is the only constant, since it apparently never gets old. My Father is up there in age. He's smart. A businessman. Funny. A womanizer. He's sexist. And caring. He's driven and ignorant. And highly critical. My parents genetics were handed down to me quite perfectly I must say. I have my Mother's good looks and allure, but I think and behave like my Dad. I get down on my knees and thank sweet baby Jesus for such things on the daily. I also got my Dutch great grandpa's eyes, freckles and mild rosacea. Thanks guy!

By the time I was born, my paternal grandparents were long gone, and when I was 7 my maternal grandmother died of a brain tumor. I never got to know her well enough to get close to her. Apparently she and my Mother were close though, because after Mama died, my Mother mentally went south. My maternal grandfather lived in Dominican Republic with no plans to leave, even temporarily, and his life consisted of throwing 'em back all day everyday. I couldn't say he was someone I was eager to get well acquainted with. So there we were, Mother, 4 kids, Father a block way, the only real family we had in Long Island, let alone America.

My brother and I grew up with my Mother, and my sisters with my Father. We each have our own neurosis traced back to the parent we grew up with. I, for example, like a very clean, organized house since the last few years at my Mom's were spent navigating around piles and piles of junk - she was a classic hoarder. Perhaps I should give her a break. At my age, she had two little babies and was stationed in a new country with, I'm assuming, little knowledge of the language and culture. That was 1979. I didn't come along until 1988, when my Mom was 31. My Dad was 50. I was the make-up baby. But apparently a chubby, sweet faced, blue-eyed baby girl wasn't enough to mend what little they had left, and they divorced a year later. Or so the story goes.

I like to think that they loved me. That they loved us. It just wasn't the kind of love we needed. We spoke different love languages, that's all. My parents took me for granted. But you only get one set of parents.

Snippet

I just wanna say... I cooked today, and I am officially a legit woman now, yay me! I never thought I could master rice but the skills are there my friends. It's about time I put that year of Culinary Arts to good use! I've always said it though... I can cook, I just don't. I have better things to do, like tell people off or read a zillion blogs. Am I nerd because I read so much?

Next.

I'm really liking my new haircut. I had to go back because the hairdresser left my hair a mess the first time [uneven and puffy], but after I instructed her on what I wanted [essentially just a trim and some thinning of my hair], it looks fab-u. She asked me if I wanted to straighten it, but I passed. I straightened my hair like three weeks ago with the Chi Flat Iron [CRIZZY CRACK], and within 15 minutes my hair was pin straight. By day two I was tired of looking like everyone else. Curly hair for the win!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Advice

Seeing as though I'm a certified know it all and hate receiving advice, giving advice seems fitting. [You can thank the nutsy Blind Leading the Blind posts by Alexi Wasser for the inspiration. Why am I shouting her out when she doesn't even know who BlueShame is? Ahh, it just feels right.]

Get ready to take notes kids!

  • Put [a lot of] toilet paper on the seat girls. Or else put those calf muscles to use and squat. Sitting on the toilet is unacceptable and I will not tolerate it! How gross are you?!
  • Stop getting wasted. You will look ugly or act stupid, and people will lose respect for you. All uncomfortable things! If you feel yourself getting tipsy, put down the drink and sip some water instead.
  • Have your account automatically transfer money into another [preferably untouchable] account every time you get paid. It's the easiest way to save money.
  • Bad hair will ruin your whole damn thing people! Comb your hair! Style your hair! Whatever your hair! Nike it up and just do it! Please!
  • Stop cursing. It's ugly. And it's stupid!
  • Brush your teeth and wash your face twice a day. Things are just cleaner that way.
  • While we're at it, put on lotion. Don't be ashy! Smell good! Boys, get your hair cut! Is it so much to ask? It's not! Sheesh!
  • Girls: Sleep naked. Or at least sans underwear [braless is a given. Girls who sleep with bras on are masochists, especially for dealing with boulders like that to begin with]. Boys won't complain and you can let your body breathe! Newsflash! Your vagina needs to breathe! [I'm not sure if penises need to breathe. They are always hanging out anyway!]
  • Girls: Wear makeup. I have yet to see one girl who looks better without makeup. She doesn't exist! Period. End of story. Stop being lazy!
  • No matter where you are, walk on the right side. Not the left side - the wrong side. If you're a man walking around with a lady, the man should walk on the street side. Be a gentleman! Sheesh!
  • Dirty and long nails are a hazard! Do something! Unkempt is not what's up!
  • Clean your room! Dust bunnies are for attics! Do you live in an attic? Wipe it down, mop it up! While we're at it, fold your clothes and put them away! You paid good money for them! The floor is not the spot for them! Don't be a slob!
  • Stop buying the same clothes over and over! How many white tank tops do you need?! I have this problem and needed to create a DO NOT BUY memo on my blackberry! If you have this problem too, follow my lead! Matter fact, follow my lead in all aspects of life! Just give me credit for it!
  • Do right by the children! No one hurts the kids! They are our future!
  • Learn to iron or cook or knit. Something! Don't be skill-less! No one likes anyone without any skills!
  • Please and thank you never hurt anybody! Use your manners! Keep your elbows off the table and the cellphone off the dinner table and in your pocket! Rude!
  • Do not buy a new car! Certified pre-owned is the way to go! I don't even drive! [But this is what I've heard!]
  • I've said this before and I will say it again because there are too many people running around fucked up: Face and fix your issues! Deal with it or it will deal with you!
  • Drop off your laundry! Four hours spent doing laundry on a Saturday afternoon is four hours you won't get back! Don't be a loser!
  • Fix your skin and teeth people! We are not gangly teenagers anymore! I have followed my own advice here! Invisalign and chemical peels FOR THE WIN! A gleaming smile and clear skin will do wonders for your appearance people!
  • Broaden your horizons beyond Applebees for restaurants, The Great Gatsby for books and Puerto Rico for vacations! Grow up and get some taste you big snooze!
  • Don't stay friends with exes! This rarely works! There's 6 billion people in the world! When it's over it's over! Stop being lazy!
  • Learn how to dress for the occasion. Stop wearing sneakers 24/7 if you're older than 16! Sweatpants/sweatshirts/sweatsuits and/or flip flops are never acceptable in public! I don't care if it says Juicy on your ass! That is vile anyway! Are you a pig or what?!
  • Remember to be smart and be classy! Trashy is just that, trash!
There will be a part two! So get ready!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

You


 It was a stark realization when it finally hit me.

Someone hasn't genuinely loved me... in a looong time.
Someone hasn't truly loved me... ever.

Boyfriends should have saved their words. Friends continue to be conditional. It's safe to say that most people have gotten more from me than I've ever gotten from them. I really want to share me with someone. I haven't found you yet.

I am capable of love. I am capable of sharing a real, body-connecting embrace. I am capable of soft kisses and warm cuddles. And one day, I pray, that I'll make love, and that every fiber in my body will sigh. [Yes, I did just rip off one of my own poems with that last line.]

I've met some interesting people but I have yet to feel something real. You feel me? Something raw and exuberant and extraordinary. I have yet to feel some true intensity. I am wholly deserving of this. I am welcoming of this. But only, with you.

I know I've previously said "Be careful what you wish for..." but c'mon life!!! Where is it? 21 and a half years old already. I want you. I'm ready for you. I'm ready to believe that you're real.

I'm holding myself back - like I never have before - until I find you.

Please... let me find you.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Rundown

  • I have had some majorly fun moments with my circle these past few weeks. At the most random times I'm reminded how delightful my group of family and friends and admirers are. Nothing better than hearty laughs and sneaky adventures and impromptu house parties.
  • CrushBoy is still present. Despite my mind telling me no and my body telling me yes a la R. Kelly, he still gives me mega butterflies. Plus, he made me realize how much fun flirting can be - with or without him!
  • My new digs [as of the 1st] are clean, classic, gorgeous and adorable. Just like me! It's a little cooped up at the moment [see below] but after the New Year it will be just me and one of my really lovely girlfriends sharing the space. It's a cozy place with french windows, a balcony, and [what looks like] marble floors. My room gets great light and I have wood floors and doors! Say goodbye to the rotted carpets and dusty living spaces of yesteryear! I plan on staying here until I buy... which might be sooner than later thanks to...
  • My new job! Which I start after the New Year. It's legit, lucrative, matches my skill set and is gonna make me rich. And that's all I will say!
  • My constant company has turned into a constant nuisance. Okay folks, you can't say I didn't look on the bright side [see my last entry]. Luckily she has two months to go because despite her initial plans to stay with me until summer 2010 I made it clear she had three months max to get herself situated [which is generous enough, if you ask me]. In the meantime, I ignore her and rant to anyone who will listen [including the PITA her damn self] about her immense idiocy. Not only is she an immature skeez, but the ungrateful bat speaks poorly of me. I like to think that I'm saving her from herself.
  • I'm going to see Lady Gaga in concert in January at Radio City Music Hall!!! Yes I still love her with the hot passion of a thousand blazing suns. Or something. RAH RAH ROMAH MAH!!! It's awesome because a) I can't wait and b) if anything bad happens in the meantime, there's good news on the horizon... I'm going to see Lady Gaga!!!! "When I say to you, there is nobody like me, and there never was, that is a statement I want every woman to feel and make about themselves." - Lady Gaga. I've believed that about myself since conception. Methinks someone's been reading my diary.
  • I'm totes not made for studying. It has taken me... one month to get through 13 chapters in this study guide I'm trying to get through. Okay the chapters are long and it's lots of information to absorb, and the pages are timed, and you have to take little quizzes at the end and pass with a 70% to continue, but still!!! It's making me feel like a dunce!
  • The New Year is coming in less than four weeks... I'm excited but there is SO MUCH TO DO. By June 21st, the first day of summer... I want to have accomplished: Paying off at least 80% of my debt, saving a few k, starting yoga, perfecting my smile, and stealing J. Lo's complexion. If I manage to complete the first two in 6 months, I'm rewarding myself with a trip to Paris/somewhere exotic and beachy and a pair of Christian Louboutins [I have my eyes on the slingback platform pump and the hidden platform pump]. By the way, I'm having a NYE shindig at the new apartment, making 2009 the first year ever that I've done something other than sit home in PJs and watch the ball drop on TV.
  • Is it just me or does it feel like it goes: Holidays... then BAM! Summer! ?! The first half of the year always flies by to me.
  • I am really feening for a Sex and the City marathon... I just saw the movie again the other night but the show was SO much better than the movie. A million times better. I felt like the movie turned out to be what all the haters bitched that the show was about.
  • I need a haircut. I'm thinking something choppy-ish, even though my daredevil side is screaming "GO PIXIE!"
  • Patrick Swayze died this year. WHYYYYYYYYYY!!! I am actually tearing up at this. What is wrong with me?! I couldn't watch Dirty Dancing the other day because of this. *shrieks.. "Johnny Castle!!!"
  • I'm really growing up, and everyday that seems to become more apparent. You know how they say that as you get older and gain more responsibility, you will leave people behind? Well, I already see that happening. Or rather, can see it about to happen.
  • I still, really really hate unsolicited advice.
  • And I still, really really believe I'm a fucking genius.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Company

Rollin' with the homies

I have been hosting my half-Russian cousin whom I haven't seen since I was about 4 years old since Monday. Lucky for me/her/us, we get along marvelously since she's got a seemingly good head on her shoulders and is seemingly independent. I say seemingly because hey, it's only the third day and you never know. She will be staying with me for a few months. [Yes, you read that correctly.] No doubt this will teach me some things about solitude.

Despite my initial apprehension, I'm looking forward to our time spent together. This could be a premature statement, or it could be me realizing that perhaps life's struggles are softened when one has constant [enjoyable] company. And I can surely attest that the past few years on my own haven't been all rainbows and butterflies! I'm starting to think that having a shoulder to lean on will help when life throws me one of its various blows. Now here's to her finding a job and me getting some of my alone time back! *clink!*

When I'm with my guests, it's important for me to pay full attention to them. I like to show genuine interest in them and what they're saying and doing. Paying attention and listening also shows a semblance of respect. With that being said, I rarely answer my cellphone when I'm with friends. I'm still trying to figure out what is appropriate cell phone usage now that I have constant company.

I can't complain though... I've always said I wanted to live with a friend [that, or alone]... and in about 3 weeks I'll be doing just that [I'm moving in with a new friend, along with my cuzzo]. I think I spoke about my move already, but I didn't tell you that my current roommate [aka the wannabe landlord chick I hand the rent over to, that I spoke about here] got all tight-fisted with my security deposit and went buckwildcrazy, screaming things about kicking me out and trying [keyword] to hit me in the process. I am not above going to jail for smacking the shit outta someone who truly deserves it so thank goodness my friend was around to pull me away and talk some sense into me before I murked this bitch. I called the police on this nutto and saved myself a journey to jail for assault. Yes I did. It all worked out though... she left mad and my squad [of 10 people] came through for me [you know, for consoling and stuff]. Who needs company like that cuckoobird?! In the end, she got a talking to from the po-po and I got to stay in the apartment for an extra month, rent free.

"I'd rather be alone than in bad company." How many people truly live that? Many people will say pretend they agree with it wholeheartedly and then spend vasts amounts of time with losers and empty people. Like Colin Powell said [supposedly, I haven't verified this]:
The less you associate with some people, the more your life will improve. Any time you tolerate mediocrity in others, it increases your mediocrity. An important attribute in successful people is their impatience with negative thinking and negative acting people. As you grow, your associates will change. Some of your friends will not want you to go on. They will want you to stay where they are. Friends that don’t help you climb will want you to crawl. Your friends will stretch your vision or choke your dream. Those that don’t increase you will eventually decrease you.
Consider this: Never receive counsel from unproductive people. Never discuss your problems with someone incapable of contributing to the solution, because those who never succeed themselves are always first to tell you how. Not everyone has a right to speak into your life. You are certain to get the worst of the bargain when you exchange ideas with the wrong person. Don’t follow anyone who’s not going anywhere. With some people you spend an evening: with others you invest it.
Be careful where you stop to inquire for directions along the road of life. Wise is the person who fortifies his life with the right friendships. If you run with wolves, you will learn how to howl. But, if you associate with eagles, you will learn how to soar to great heights. “A mirror reflects a man’s face, but what he is really like is shown by the kind of friends he chooses.” The simple but true fact of life is that you become like those with whom you closely associate - for the good and the bad. 
Note: Be not mistaken. This is applicable to family as well as friends. [Mmm... you better PREACH Colin!!!] Yes…do love, appreciate and be thankful for your family, for they will always be your family no matter what. Just know that they are human first and though they are family to you, they may be a friend to someone else and will fit somewhere in the criteria above.
“In prosperity our friends know us. In adversity we know our friends.”
“Never make someone a priority when you are only an option for them.”
“If you are going to achieve excellence in big things, you develop the habit in little matters." "Excellence is not an exception, it is a prevailing attitude.”
-Colin Powell
For some reason I think Colin Powell has better things to do than spout out blah blah blahs about friendship, but either way, there's a good sentiment here. Cheers!

Remember to be smart and enjoy your own company above all others.

Precious


I came across the trailer for Precious a few months ago and was immediately drawn in. I remember being floored that a heavyset black girl was front and center and that Hollywood was even taking a gamble on such intense material. But hey, Obama is here, ain't he?

I read Push [the book the movie is based on] soon after, after reading countless reviews of the poignant tale. If you don't already know, Push tells the story of an overweight [practically illiterate] African-American teenager who is physically, sexually and every-other-which-way abused by both of her parents; and pregnant with her Father's 2nd child. Before, during and after reading the novel I felt uneasy. I was kind of afraid that the book [and subsequent movie] were being touted as a shock value piece and as a peek into the crazy shit that occurs behind some closed doors. Frankly, my recurring thoughts were "Well, what the fuck?!" [And this coming from someone who has experienced physical, emotional and mental abuse for almost two decades at the hands of my own parents.]

I'm still not sure what is meant to be learned from Push, which is why I was very hesitant to see the movie. Now I'm not an idiot. I realize that it's supposed to be about triumph and confidence and prevailing but -- I just don't feel it was conveyed clearly enough. I felt like you had to wade through a lot of bullshit to get to that point and by the end of the book I was just tired. Sure Push was graphic and shocking and uncomfortable but I felt like it was a little too much of that, and not much of anything else. I also felt that it was a bit gimmicky to burden this character with almost any and everything that humanity and [American] society deems undesirable. The fact that she was black, overweight, poor, meant nothing to me, I know that abuse like that exists anywhere, anyplace - but I must say, I did slightly resent the fact that those descriptors were used along with such a story because it felt so "typical". ["Well OF COURSE this would happen to a poor, BLACK girl..."] While it's possible that some people really do get the short end of the stick, it felt as if this character didn't get a stick at all, like she was just passed over. Good lord.

So after toiling over whether I should see the movie or not, I made a decision. And here is my review.*

I thought that the movie had its intense moments [my stomach churned a few times], but they were fleshed out with scenes from Precious' classroom environment and scenes where we saw her smile and laugh. The movie definitely made the whole concept of the book easier to bear. I found the classmates laugh out loud funny and although I found the teacher Blu Rain well acted by Paula Patton, I also found her to be too goody-goody in certain moments. Mariah as a social worker was alright. Yes, she was practically unrecognizable but her acting was okay. All she had to do was pull out was her Lawng Eye-lind accent from her youth and she was a-ok.

The film was well-made... knowledgeable enough for those of us who've been there [re: abuse, urban life, slang] to relate; yet wise enough so that those who haven't could also understand. I thought the movie rang true in quite a few ways: Precious' obsession with McDonald's, her incessant daydreaming, her refusal to give up her [2nd] baby, even her mother's reasons [excuses] for allowing sexual abuse and also partaking in it.

A question was raised as to what audiences would take away from this film. On more than a few occasions, I sat uncomfortably as the audience laughed during moments that weren't really funny. I felt as though most of the audience was laughing at her, in a mocking, disgusted way. I'm afraid that the reason they were doing so is a problem that's bigger than all of us. I was most impressed by Monique as Mary... she did an excellent job and I was enthralled by her performance in every scene she was in, despite how ferocious or how ugly. It brought me back to some ugly memories of my own. And her final monologue was so excellent that before I knew it, I was crying. And I cried and cried and cried until the credits rolled and the lights came on.

I really enjoyed Precious despite the [let's be honest here] hard material, and I actually want to see it again [mostly because I missed the first 10 minutes...]!

*I understand that having written this review I am welcoming criticism and comments, but you know I never fear that. Bring it and bring it well.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Fundamental

Take a look! It's in a book!

Online. On the train. To wind down. Before going to bed. When I'm curious. When I'm bored... I read.

I read [almost] everything. I have a voracious appetite for knowledge and an endless curiosity for discovering the inner workings of things, what the world's doing, what everyone is up to, what people are thinking... I mean, of course I usually read articles pertaining to my interests [lord knows I can't get through The Economist without a loud yawn] but more often than not, I'll catch myself skimming something outside my circle of interests and learning something new. I read mostly online, but if I hear of a great book [I'm all ears for recommendations] I'm running straight to the library to dive right into it. And I haven't met a New York Times yet that I haven't read cover to cover. [My favorite day is Sunday - it's just full of so much stuff!]

Men's magazines are a special favorite of mine. [GQ and Complex are my top 2, and Rolling Stone is cool although its audience is general.] They seem to be devoid of the drab dribble that fills most women's magazines, and they generally have a much more laid back, confident tone with [usually] quite informative articles. Ever notice how men's magazines have a tone of "You're awesome bro, keep up the good work!" whereas women's magazines seem to be more like "Don't beat yourself up for eating that 8th donut, here's 8 ways to purge it!" or "Fifteen ways to snag a man before the clock starts ticking louder than the wedding bells in your dreams!" They always seem to cater to women's vast insecurities and maybe the biggest reason I can't vibe with them is because I don't fall under that veil of low self-esteem or neediness. With that being said, InStyle and O are particular faves; and I'll grab Lucky, Glamour, Allure, Reader's Digest, Marie Claire occasionally...

As far as websites I check out NYMag, Gothamist [which has the funniest commenters in the world] and Jezebel [which has the worst commenters in the world - those chicks are perpetually offended] daily. I frequent a few savvy blogs and a 98% female message board for thoughts on how others live and express themselves. I also love YouTube for clips of all sorts of crazy, funny things, or shows that I never catch since I don't watch TV [I think most New Yorkers can agree that we either watch no or very little TV. Not only is it a huge a time-suck, but I find that I can't even get into most TV shows anyway. A lot of sitcoms just do not share my same sense of humor and when it comes to mindless reality TV and the like, I just can't do it. I mean, I literally get headaches after watching bits of Tyra's talk show. That's cuz she's stupid, but that's another story for another day. Woo chile!]

I consider myself a very intelligent, cultured and balanced cookie. Like a chocolate chip cookie with all kinds of nuts and chocolates and grains thrown in. Or like an everything bagel. Mmm, I love everything bagels. Ahem. Anyway, I think my wits are a product of my propensity for reading. Reading and meeting new people and asking them questions about all the things I didn't know are what have made me a smart girl. We all know I always had common sense [that can't be taught or bought], but reading certainly helped - it's magical and learning is never-ending.


But don't take my word for it! Shed a tear for the good ol days y'all!!!

Now if you wouldn't be caught dead reading [imagine that!]... you can always do like Kanye: "I am not a fan of books. I would never want a book's autograph. I am a proud non-reader of books. I like to get information from doing stuff like actually talking to people and living real life..."

So. You can get information from "doing stuff and living real life", but you also risk sounding as eloquent as this young gentleman here.

Basically, you can take advice from this buffoon or make picking up a dictionary your first priority of the day.

Heyyy. Look who snuck up in this picture!

Remember to be smart and that reading is fundamental.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Random III

I used to write really amazing poetry. I remember sitting in my bedroom alone Friday nights, scribbling in my black and white notebook... writing rhymes and shit that blew people's minds... I miss that sometimes. No I didn't mean for that to rhyme. I haven't written in a few years and I'm not sure if I've lost my ability or my mind is just full of other things. Meaningless, fucking, things. Nothing like the brightly patterned daydreams of my youth. I'm debating posting some poems on here. I want to share with [and awe] you guys but, nothing is really safe on the internet... is it?

I'm moving again... The new place is cozy, airy, clean and home-y. I'm staying in the same neighborhood but... this is my 4th move this year... my current place is falling apart, but truthfully, I'm just insatiable.

I think this is why I'm single.

"True love is a movement of the soul and the heart. If you can't fully let yourself go... don't get involved."

I think this is why I'm single.

I went to a networking event Monday night for "creatives", and it was bliss. For the first time in a long time I was relaxed in a crowd of people. Maybe because I knew that someway, somehow, they were all like me. I also met some French tourists who were so adorable I wanted to kiss them. True story.

I'm hoping to travel to France next year.

Sometimes I wonder if I have goals so that I can attain them, or so that I can have something to look forward to.

I don't laugh nearly enough anymore. [I'm an adult, duh.] But when I do, it's heaven.

I have LOTS of free time. Prepare for a slew of crazy ass/scary posts.

I need to take more time getting dressed.

I kind of hate these random posts, don't you?

And last but not least, check out this bad-ass photo of the other reigning Lady:


Pimpin' ain't easy.
[EDIT]
What the fuck is this?! A damn mess is what. I actually don't like many songs by her, but 'Sweet Dreams' was cool. And she had to go mess it up lookin' like CP30 at the end. Tha hell?! Early Halloween costume I guess.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Truths

There a few things that are a bigger turn off for me than a pansy ass guy [see: coward]. But maybe I only feel strongly about this because I'm a pretty strong woman.

The list of men I would never be attracted to is a long one.

I don't understand sports fanatics. Or women who want to work at Vogue.

I'm not a fan of group work.

The existence of diet coke frustrates me. It sucks. [Actually anything diet sucks.] But the brand kind of redeems itself with the existence of vanilla coke which is heaven in a cream and red can and was made exactly for me. Vanilla coke is that craaaack [too bad it's so hard to find nowadays].

Obviously, I'm a passionate person passionate about many things. Including vanilla coke. If that shit didn't rot my teeth I'd bathe in it.

Elephants are my favorite animal. I like them because they are unique [they are the only land animals who can cry, the only ones that can't jump], coveted [ivory piano keys anyone?] loyal [when one of them dies, they mourn for days], and they are my comfort color [gray!] They are also some big bitches. Cheetahs and butterflies are runners up. Feel free to e-mail me any more cool tidbits about elephants!

I think a person's favorite animal says a lot about them. Well gee, now that I've told you everything about me, would you like to see my vagina?! Sheesh...

I take many many things into account before making an assessment of somebody. Mostly their background, their age, their demeanor and what comes out of their mouth. You think most people would do this, but they do not. If I'm going to judge, I'll at least do so correctly.

I am very confident and happy with myself but I think if I were not me, I wouldn't like myself because I'm admittedly complex and layered and not the easiest person to understand.

Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks. [I just threw that in there to see if you were paying attention.]

I have very high standards for people but I'm learning that I can't hold everyone to that standard because not everyone needs to be my best friend. The things you learn and are able to improve on when you honestly look at yourself are fantastic. I strive to be a better, more cultured, more balanced person everyday!

When I'm pressed for a topic, I write about myself ... An always interesting, fascinating topic :)

For those who are wondering. I am not dating. Don't plan to, don't want to, don't think about it, don't miss it. Boys suck.

Is there a classy way to show your stomach? Not unless you are at home with little to no company, on the beach or pregnant. Do not be a whore.

[Hmmm... this might be long.]

I socialize like it's my job. New people are fun!

Women should only deal with men who are crazy about them because if not, you end up with a guy who will make out with you but can't do you a favor.

They say that life is a tragedy for those who feel and a comedy for those who think. And I immediately thought, what about those who are in between? I guess it's a drama...

I came up with this quote after I broke up with the last guy I dated [I hate the word ex] who seemed frustrated with the fact that I wasn't as money hungry as he: I don’t want a man to support me, I just want one that will be okay with me being broke.

GO HARD OR GO HOME! I believe in this so strongly that I delay things a lot.

Walks like a duck talks like a duck! There's not much else to say here.

Geminis often think with their minds and their hearts which is why they appear to be so indecisive and fickle. I can feel that.

You're not a whore unless you're loaded. If you wanna be a whore, charge more.

"Confidence is knowing who you are." I'd like to add that it's also being relatively happy with who that is.

"Secrets are like vampires. They suck the life out of you, but they only survive in the darkness." - Jeanette Walls

"Never fear being misunderstood." This took me awhile to get around to doing. But once I got it... =)

I am not a magician. I am not in the business of changing folks.

"Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision as the limits of the world." That's why people need to get out more, read, throw themselves in different situations. There's a whole world out there waiting to be discovered.

And last but not least... one of my favorite quotes as of late: "The edge? The problem with the edge is that most of those who have seen it have gone over."

Remember to be smart and that doing so sometimes involves your heart.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Stained


...So open up your little mind.

I was watching clips of that show "What would you do?" on racism and I was quite moved. One experiment placed a black actress in a clothing store, with two other actors playing a store sales associate and store security guard. Their job was to give the black shopper a hard time, doing things such as asking her to leave the store and referring to her as one of "those people". The onlookers didn't know that the people in question were actors and so, the question was "What would they do?" Not surprisingly, most people ain't do shit but move further away from the drama. The majority of people who spoke up were of color, and one white woman offered to leave the store with the black woman when she overheard the blatant discrimination. As soon as that happened, a herd of customers followed. [This was in downtown NYC by the way. Shocked?] I wasn't surprised by all that, what I didn't expect was the knot that formed in my stomach and the tears that welled up in my eyes. I was furious, disgusted, saddened, sympathetic [with the victim], and furious all over again. Even though I knew they were actors, my reaction was involuntary.

The discrimination I witnessed was totally new to me because despite being a "minority"... I, to my honest recollection; have never experienced racism. I think there's a variety of reasons for that. First of all, I'm a light-skinned, attractive Latina. And I can't speak for black/dark-skinned people, but I'm sure we can all agree that for one reason or another, most racism is directed towards them. Not only am I Latina [and seemingly racially ambiguous], I'm thin and petite which translates to most as: harmless. I also speak proper English, use and understand many SAT words, and have no discernible [Spanish] accent. I have a feeling that those aforementioned attributes have spared me of most racism that would otherwise come my way. Lord knows my life may have been different had I been a big and burly coal-skinned broad. You hate to read it, but it's the truth. Racism is so inherent in Americans, it's almost as if people of color are stained  with stereotypes!

When I look at people, I don't notice their skin color or try to guess their race - it really doesn't matter to me. I don't treat people differently due to their race, I don't change the way I talk or the way I behave. I don't give them different handshakes. The only time I'd say I notice race is when someone embodies a stereotype to a T, or when someone makes their race their complete identity, because then it's pretty obvious. Other than that, the only thing I'm trying to find out is: "Do you speak any other languages?!" Because we all know good and well that I'm always trying to get some free language classes! Ain't no shame in being multi-lingual ya heard!

Growing up, I never dealt with "not fitting in". But methinks that's more a mixed kid problem. Or a black or white problem... Truth be told when most discussions of racism come up, Latinos and Asians are largely left out of the conversation. That's racism in and of itself you jerks! Anyway, I've never been one for cliques or following the crowd anyway so I could give two shits about fitting in. In high school I had a handful of close friends but that had more to do with a poor personality fit than a race fit [I thought everyone was a raging idiot... Judging by the amount of kids from my graduating class who've done nothing but get wifed up or pregnant just three years later, I wasn't wrong]. I have had a few of my fellow Hispanics question me about things: my vernacular, how come I don't look like most other Dominicans? How come I'm such a "blanquita?!"... Basically why wasn't I a hood trick like the rest of them and why didn't I have my name on a chain around my neck? And on my wrist and finger and on my earrings? And how come I didn't rock Timbs and Uptowns and how come I wasn't fucking in the 9th grade like everyone else? Because I have a thing called class. And my parents would've killed my little trampin' ghetto ass, that's why. I never really gave a hoot what those morons had to say to me because they were reading on an 8th grade level well into college. I was reading on an 8th grade level in 3rd grade!

And there I went on a tangent. I think I need to hire somebody to tell me when to relax because lord do I get passionate! Anyways. Yeah so racism is inhumane and gross. At least get to know someone first and then judge them... like me!

But before I go... A tip to all of those who so kindly question my citizenship: Unless you are hiring, DO NOT ask someone if they were born in America or how often they visit their home country. It doesn't matter and it just makes you look closed-minded and/or racist. As a matter of fact, even if you are hiring it is illegal to ask someone if they're American - you're only allowed to ask people if they are legally able to work in this country. I'm sure almost every Hispanic, Asian or person with an accent has gotten this at one point or another. Stop questioning us! At least we are acquainted with our culture and can speak our country's native language unlike so many bastard Americans.

Alright everyone. Remember to be smart and be nice. The difference between all of us is like the difference between brown eyes and blue eyes. They're all just eyes, that see the world the same.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Random II

The necklace I just had custom made cause it's the fuggin truth!

Okay. Another random post. Don't be mad. There's just too much swirling around in my head to pin down one topic.

I am happy. Lots of things are happening. Lots of things are changing.

Yoga. Ink. Piano. French. Hip Hop Freestyle. Travel. France. Miami. Novels. Poems. Paintings. Inner peace. Inner love. Inner soul.

Lady Gaga is still inspiring me to be all that I can be. Power to that woman.

Plenty of people hate me right now [and many more will in the future]. My friends haven't seen me in weeks. Who pays my bills though? Who gets shit done? My pretty life is only seen through my own pretty eyes. Also, I does what I wants. I gets busy.

I'm really not liking Facebook. My reasoning is that I already keep up with my real friends in real life. What do I need with a Facebook for contact? Never did I think I'd despise a social networking site more than myspace... but Twitter's got gold and Facebook is runner up. All I do on Twitter is talk salacious shit. It is mighty fun.

The New York Times is where it's at. Also GOTHAM magazine! Everything in that magazine is high end and legitimately awesome.*drools* They are really out of control with that $70 1-year subscription though! For a magazine?! That must be a joke.

My book was coming along nicely... but I've been busy.

Is it as funny to you as it is to me that so many ugly people think they're attractive and so many average people think they're geniuses? This does not apply to me.

Pretty girls have a bitch pass. It's not fair but it's life. Life's not fair - the game is played dirty. Get used to it.

Karma, destiny, everything happens for a reason, heaven, hell, Jesus Christ, Lucifer, Satan, Demons, Angels, going to hell in gasoline draws are all things people believe in in order to make themselves feel better about the shitstorm we call life. I mean really. Sometimes things and people just suck. Simple as that. Deal with it.

I had a phone interview today where my interviewer immediately asked me to solve a few math problems. I passed with flying colors and walked around with my head held high. I like when I surprise myself. [What's 1/2 + 1/4? I said 3/4. What's .7 + .4? I said 1.1 I am a flippin genius I tell ya]. Too bad I wasn't interested in the job.

I'm not a player I just crush a lot.

RESPECT IS JUST THE MINIMUM.
It's been three weeks since you've been looking for your friend
The one you let hit it and never called you again'
Member when he told you he was 'bout the Benjamins
You act like you ain't hear him then gave him a little trim
To begin, how you think you really gon' pretend
Like you wasn't down then you called him again
Plus when you give it up so easy you ain't even fooling him
If you did it then, then you probably fuck again
Talking out your neck sayin' you're a Christian
A Muslim sleeping with the gin
Now that was the sin that did Jezebel in
Who you gon' tell when the repercussions spin
Showing off your ass 'cause you're thinking it's a trend
Girlfriend, let me break it down for you again
You know I only say it 'cause I'm truly genuine
Don't be a hard rock when you're really a gem
Babygirl, respect is just the minimum
Niggas fucked up and you still defending them
Now Lauryn is only human
Don't think I haven't been through the same predicament
Let it sit inside your head like a million women in Philly, Penn.
It's silly when girls sell their soul because it's in
Look at where you be in hair weaves like Europeans
Fake nails done by Koreans
Come again, come again, come again, come again, come again
Guys you know you better watch out
Some girls, some girls are only about
That thing, that thing, that thing
The second verse is dedicated to the men
More concerned with his rims and his Timbs than his women
Him and his men come in the club like hooligans
Don't care who they offend popping yang like you got yen
Let's not pretend, they wanna pack pistol by they waist men
Cristal by the case men, still in they mother's basement
The pretty face men claiming that they did a bid men
Need to take care of their three and four kids men
They facing a court case when the child's support late
Money taking, heart breaking now you wonder why women hate men
The sneaky silent men the punk domestic violence men
The quick to shoot the semen stop acting like boys and be men
How you gon' win when you ain't right within?
How you gon' win when you ain't right within?
How you gon' win when you ain't right within?
Come again, come again, come again, come again, come again
Girls you know you better watch out!
Some guys, some guys are only about
That thing, that thing, that thing

Now a quote from Gaga:

"I am totally confident that I am an incredible artist and performer. I am extremely confident about my body, the way I dress, the way I want to look. But I have no confidence when it comes to men. Men are a disaster area for me. It’s so weird because I believe I am super sexy. I believe I am incredible, but I have absolutely no luck with boyfriends."

I feel ya, boo. Time and time again I think "This could be it..." and then the bomb drops. I'm right there with you mama! Life is hard! Hang on!

Interviewer: How did you break into the industry?
Gaga: I was a relentless bitch.

I love her.

Remember to be smart and when in doubt, get inspired by watching Lady Gaga interviews on YouTube.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Random

Ehhhh... it's been awhile I know. I've still been writing, but it's all rough drafts right now. Dammit I've been busy!

So... I suddenly got this idea to write a book. I'll probably do a series of vignettes with a running theme because my attention span sucks lately and that's probably the only way it will get done.

And it needs to get done because I need to make millions. *Laughs out loud*

So I think I'm gonna do that... next month. Along with piano lessons [because I've always wanted to play piano] and yoga [because I need to relax and damn, my back always hurts!]

So what else is new? After getting settled into my new place I realized how much CRAP I have. I'm not really sure why it seems like I have so much more stuff, especially now that I'm in a much bigger room. Tricks I tell ya!

Damn, in two weeks it will be October. Where did this year go? And now the ultimate question: What have I done?

It sucks being a Gemini/indecisive sometimes.

People are perverts.

Making good money feels goooood, but the more money you make, the more money you spend. Frankly I haven't gotten to "spend" much but that's another story in itself. Bills, bills, debts and bills. Also, Suze Orman is a genius! That Young Broke and Fabulous book is no joke.

I am really an adult now. I can feel it. Wow.

I am looking forward to my time off. Hopefully I will keep myself busy and entertained. I am more afraid of being bored than being broke. Perhaps I'm not an adult yet. More importantly, do I have ADD?!

Sigh... lots to do, lots to do.

Although my schedule will change very soon, I am in a good place. I am happy.

A few weeks ago I had a lesson in loneliness... it really opened my eyes up to the fact that I need to [finally] focus on myself [and my happiness] - especially since that's what everyone else is doing. This ties in to something about Michael Jackson and his passing that had me thinking . Isn't it something how one of the most adored and revered artists IN THE WORLD was pretty much left to rot alone in the last years of his life? Yeah he was sick, but the people who are now falling to floor in hysterics over his death, oh, you couldn't help? Oh, my bad. That right there, shows you something about people and the way that they work. Get to know many, trust very few, and depend on no one.

I think the theme of my new novel is "coming of age".... what does that make you think of?

[EDIT: Sep 16 - 9:30PM ]

Patrick Swayzeeee whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!! Why they had to go and do that to me?!?! He was the first [and most likely last] white man I ever loved... Patrick Swayzeeeeeeeeeeee NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! NOBODY PUTS BABY IN A CORNER! WHYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEE SHES LIKE THE WIND!!!!!! Why dammit why. I'm really sad over this.

I've developed a method that seems to be working in hindering my worrying ways. I've been telling myself that what seems so big and important at this moment, will most likely not even be memorable a few weeks from now [really, a few days with my selective ass memory]. And it truly has been working. Because I know how my mind works. It tosses out all the useless garbage... recycles little... and then tosses that back out too. Just like me when it comes to real garbage [I still have not gotten the hang of recycling, nor do I really care. Go ahead! Ship me off to jail!!!]

And I know I just announced it yesterday, but my book is coming along nicely. I think my biggest challenge will be giving each character their own voice. Here's to hoping I stick with it!

Saturday, August 22, 2009

APT

I have moved... let's see... about five times since first moving to the city in summer 2007. I've lived in two different boroughs... going on my third now [For social and safety reasons, I refuse to live in Staten Island or the Bronx. You know it's the truth!]

I was lucky that I knew much more about how NYC real estate works this time around. Knowing the right questions to ask, as well as knowing certain neighborhoods proximity to Manhattan helped me make a much sounder decision than I had in the past. When you know better, you do better. Plus, we all know how vital it is for me to upgrade. My criteria for the new place was:

Less than a 1/2 hr commute to Manhattan, day or night
Medium or large bedroom with closet
Clean, modern apt/building
No pets, no smokers, no places with a zillion roommates
Close to subway
Hip, safe neighborhood with activities in the vicinity
Grocery store and Laundrymat nearby
Long term availability

Well my friends. After three weeks of searching, I have found the place! I'm in Astoria baby! [Once I started looking, I knew in my gut that I'd end up here.] Not only is the area pretty cool but I am geographically closer to most of my friends [no one I hung with really lived in or near Brooklyn]. I can't say much for my new housemate other than how darling and model-esque she is, but the place and location is great and I was able to nab it at a pretty affordable price. And my room and closet are pretty big [something I had to search high and low for I tell ya!] It also feels nice to live with people who are not only women [nothing beats shamelessly walking around in a t-shirt and panties], but seemingly cool. My new housemates are a few years older than me, but I feel we'll have more in common than the scragglers I've been forced to hole up with before... everything from white fratboys, a pair of loser 35 year olds, a shallow social climbing couple, and a manic depressive. Oh New York City -- you sure are one for diversity. [I did find it interesting that my new housemates are near 30 and basically doing the same thing as me though... it makes me wonder if I'm ahead or if they're behind? Or vice versa?]

Now it's time to gear up and hire movers yet again and then prepare for my 11 hour a day gig starting in September. I am the primary caretaker for a baby boy who's only a few weeks old. They are fabulous and I feel really comfortable and appreciated there. And since I want my paycheck and an extension that's all I will say.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Through


I was watching a Lady Gaga interview awhile ago and she was asked "Are you really Gaga 24/7?" Seemingly tired of being asked the same silly question over and over again, she answered and then said, "After today, I will no longer explain myself."

And you know what? That really resonated with me because lately I have realized how truly tired I am of explaining myself [ie why I tick the way I do], how frustrated I've been constantly putting others feelings before mine [ie saying I'm sorry when interrupting a chatting employee even though I need help], pausing to try and play my words tactfully instead of just blurting out what I think, holding back information about myself because I know it would be frowned upon, divulging info I'd rather not under some imaginary pressure [ie how much I pay in rent, how much I make].

I blame most of this behavior on my few years as a committed Jehovah's Witness... the organization really stifled my true spirit and forced me to become someone who could fit into a neat little box. I felt as though perfection was stressed and words and actions were to be extremely thought through for fear of affecting someone else and their faith negatively. It was a good way to grow up [because honestly, kids get into things way too young nowadays] but I regret how it cut me off from the rest of the world and how terrified members were made to feel about leaving. The religion is for a specific type of individual, one who is not me. I left the religion amicably a few years ago but it seems old habits die hard.

This is not to say I have been fake since then, this is not to say that from this point on I'm broadcasting what I do to the world with unabashed shame/fervor. It just means I won't ever again craft my words to make something sound better; and I won't ever again defend a choice I've made. It means that I've realized I'm not responsible for how others feel, so instead of accommodating their comfort I will now address mine. I do my best not to judge/puppeteer/bully others, especially those close to me, and it's about time they do the same for me. People are too damn nosy, and selfish and entitled... and for lack of a better statement... It's time I try it out!

It amazes me how people react to others and their lives. If you don't like it, walk away. I accept people for who they are and if I can't, I don't deal with them. Simple as that. If an otherwise good person does or says something off, make your point heard loud and clear just once and then LIVE AND LET LIVE.

Life is hard but I'm going to make it easier for myself. This is going to be hard, but change starts today.

I will no longer politely step out of someone's way when they don't say 'Excuse me.'
I will no longer divulge information I don't want to divulge.
I will not let people make me feel bad about my life choices.
I will not lie to appease someone's self-esteem.
I will no longer bite my tongue when someone has wronged me.
I will no longer dim my diamond shine because I'm around pebbles.

From now on, I'm going to be the motherfuckin' Rock Star I was always meant to be. I think that is in everyone's best interests.

Friday, August 14, 2009

List

1. I hate the sound of typing and horses galloping. Lord knows what I'd do if I was confronted with both at the same time.
2. I'm always cold... and therefore would rather be sweating than shivering.
3. I'm double-jointed.
4. Wetting my hands [ie: washing dishes] often makes me wanna pee really badly. It's super annoying.
5. I have a morbid fixation with true tales of murder. I'm very intrigued as to what would drive someone to do such a thing.
6. I'm very independent and have been since a young age. Sometimes I'm very resentful that I had to be and I wonder what I missed out on as a kid.
7. I'm very opinionated, but often bite my tongue. I'm convinced that if I didn't, I'd be a lot less popular.
8. I cringe at the saying "It is what it is". It's so pointless it's really better to say nothing. I generally can't stand cliche, catch-all phrases.
9. I would love to visit Santorini, Paris, Bali, Capetown and Rio de Janeiro, in that order.
10. I am deathly afraid of becoming my Mother.
11. I don't know who I dislike more: immature, selfish or delusional people.
12. I was born 9lbs, with blue eyes, black hair and porcelain skin. I am the "light-skinned" one out of my siblings. I am much tanner now but I still have "caucasian" type skin [freckles and mild rosacea].
13. Most of the time, I feel very misunderstood. I attribute it to me being much smarter than everyone.
14. I never pushed myself academically, skating by with little effort and B's and A minuses. It took me a while to get over that laziness.
15. I want to be married once, and do it right the first time.
16. Nachos [Mexican food] make me extremely happy.
17. I rarely drink, mostly because I don't like the taste of alcohol and losing control over myself scares me shitless. I am more likely to have a drink with dinner than while out dancing.
18. I'm not a fan of bars. I'd rather dance than drink, and the noise level at bars also makes it hard to have a conversation.
19. Apparently, I often intimidate people - which is funny to me since I'm petite and have a pretty sweet face.
20. My parents and I aren't close but I have no grudges against them. With that being said, I'm pretty close to my siblings, and I adore the aunts and uncles I have gotten a better chance at getting to know.
21. I could watch basketball for days.
22. I'm a hardcore nightowl.
23. I rarely get my nails and hair done but feel incomplete without makeup on. Everyone looks better with makeup!
24. My relationships are very important to me.
25. I used to be very naive when it came to men. Time has taught me that the charmers I used to go weak for are often bad news.
26. I am ink free, but I've debated getting a tattoo for 3 years now. I already know what I want, the question is where?
27. Sometimes, I take things too personally.
28. I can be vindictive.
29. As long as I can remember I've had no problem attracting men. I wonder when this will change and if I will even notice.
30. I don't regret missing the "college experience" but I sometimes wish I could get a High School do-over. I would have applied myself more, had a bit more fun, and relished my youth much more.
31. I go back and forth on the topic of having kids. Sometimes I want 3, sometimes none at all. I guess I have time.
32. I am a [fantastic] poet, with 200+ poems under my belt. I started writing in general when I was 12 and tackled poetry a bit later, after taking a peek at one of my brother's journal entries. I started drawing a little while before that in school, but drew my first sketch outside class at a friends house. I was surprised at how good it turned out and kept drawing feverishly after that. Both poetry and drawing are on an indefinite hiatus :-/
33. I have nice hand-writing.
34. I love to kiss and don't get to do it as often as I would like. The same goes for dancing.
35. I have a love-hate relationship with New York City. Sometimes I hate the crowds and the subway and the dirt and the weather and the prices, but other times I know there's no other city in the world like it. Maybe one day we will be at peace with one another.
36. I love to read blogs and news articles online, I could do that all day.
37. I'm usually very well-spoken, but find it hilarious to throw in slang or some odd saying from another language in my speech.
38. I have an odd sense of humor.
39. My favorite celebs are Pharrell Williams, Lady Gaga and Victoria Beckham. They are all super duper fly and smart. Can't beat that combo with me.
40. I have three piercings. I want a few more but I think I've run out of desirable spots.
41. I'm originally from Long Island, NY but as soon as I stepped foot into NYC, I knew it was home instead.
42. If stranded on an island... one of the three things I would take would be a person. I need that human connection. As far as who, well that will take some thinking.
43. There isn't one person in my life that I 100% trust and can be myself with.
44. I am agnostic.
45. I love lists.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Crush



I don't know what I'm doing.
I am smitten with someone and I am losing my damn mind.
When was the last time I had a crazy crush? Was I 13? Yup. Was he halfway as cool as this guy? No senor!

I am going back and forth on whether I should divulge some details about him, some of my "favorite things" if you will. I'll [try to] be respectful and not to put his D.O.B. out there [he's a Scorpio], but I can tell you this: He's tall and fit, super intelligent [there's proof], chill, stylish, and universally sexy in the sense that any woman [or gay man] in their right mind would wholeheartedly agree. He's also my human kryptonite: He's of mixed race, can dance, plays ball, is trilingual, has a nice phone voice [I'm petty, I know!], and can hold excellent conversation. Did I mention he's got that allure?! [Edit: Oh and let me not forget... his whip is a luxury vehicle... but that's not what got me... what made my mouth hit the floor is that it's lime green. Who's got style ma dude?!]

Anyway, the oddest thing about this is that... I never fall for anyone. Even the last two guys I dated were nothing compared to this guy. They were blips on the muthafuggin radar. Did I write any blog posts centered around them?! Exactly. This new guy is so fly that I don't care if things crash and burn between us... I'm taken by him and I just want to roll around in that feeling for a little bit.

A part of me is terrified. Truthfully, this is such a vulnerable position to be in and the last time I was even half as enamored as this it took me four whole years to close that chapter. I'm scared. I'm scared I'll fall for him even more... faster and harder than he may for me. I'm scared that he might meet someone else. Sometimes I worry... [and I probably shouldn't even say this aloud] that I'm not good enough for him.

Me and this guy... [let's call him Judas...] met at a lounge in downtown Manhattan last Friday night. I spotted him and thought he was super hot. When I got the chance, I struck up a conversation with him and as the night went on, we danced, flirted, chatted. Before he left, he asked for my number... and the next day he drove an hour out of his way to come see me. The butterflies haven't stopped since then.

I am hating and loving this crush thing all at once. One can say I'm definitely not used to being the "crusher".

I am not impressed by many people, heck! I without a doubt, think I'm smarter/cooler than most people. This guy impresses me. This guy challenges me.

For all I know, he will be the one to make me into a believer. [And if he doesn't, at least I'll get some incredible poetry out of it.]

What I've learned

Don't forget to have fun!

What I've learned: Lady Blue
Blogger/Socialite/Con Artist, 21, New York City

None of us have had perfect childhoods... to blame adult failure on childhood issues is, frankly, a cop-out. I'm very into crime stories and I've come across some individuals whose childhoods matched mine - why have they traipsed into murder and addiction and I have not? Deal with it or it will deal with you.

Going to college does not equal intelligence: Common sense rules. I know many people in college and many who didn't finish or even attend. In very few cases does 'education' seem to have any connection to their intelligence level.

Walks like a duck, talks like a duck. Stereotypes exist for a reason. Most people are predictable and easy to figure out because they follow their type to a T. There have been a few times where I've tested this theory and asked someone dressed rather stereotypically if they liked a certain artist or activity that would appeal to that type... and the answer was always a resounding yes. Tsk tsk.

Lames and losers are to be pitied, not taken seriously and then forgotten. I never let bozos take up head space. I have too much going on up there as it is.

The person who is rude to the waitress and nice to you is not a nice person. This is true a million times over. How people treat a neutral party says a lot about who they are. Odds are this individual is only being nice to you because you have something they want.

A man will only initiate conversation with a woman if he needs something or is interested in her.

There's no need to exercise jealousy. No matter how hot the girl, there's probably a handful of things she'd change about herself in an instant and there's a guy who's tired of fucking her.

Mingle and socialize often. You can learn and gain a lot from others.

Cocky guys usually have a lot of money or a big penis. Or both. I run from these types.

Nerds in High School win later in life. Lots of popular girls end up spent too soon or washed up. True story.

Fat, tall, skinny, short, at the end of the day, confidence reigns supreme. No one wants to be around a Debbie Downer, period, ever.

Pick your battles. Methinks spouting obscenities to every idiot that crosses your path is a bit much. Plus, think of the children.

Learn to accept others beliefs without compromising your own.

Don't be a hater. It's a waste of time and being jealous of someone else won't improve your lot in life.

For the women: Don't rule out the quiet guy. Don't be afraid to approach a guy. Be a lady.

Cut out toxic people. Even if they're family.

Go hard or go home. I'd rather be remembered for trying my hardest than forgotten for being mediocre.

Figure out who you can trust with your secrets. Better yet, don't do anything you'd be ashamed of, that way if the whole world finds out, you can smile proudly and say "And?!" That's what I do.

Pay attention when people tell you about themselves. I can recall so many times when a guy confessed to me that he "used to be a bad dude" and not long later would demonstrate exactly what he meant.

For the men: Remember, she has a heart. She is someone's daughter or sister. Be a gentleman.

Do not let society and the media rule you. They are not in your living room. Unplug. Detach. Who cares what they think?

Watch out for people who are funny about money. A true friend should have no qualms about sharing things with you. [Unless you are shady in other words, check yourself!] Remember that most people are your best friends until you need something.

Life is all about balance. If you indulge in something too much be aware that you are probably neglecting something else.

Friends are the most important relationships you will have in life. Find good friends and cherish them always.

Learn at least one social skill or learn to be okay with being lonely.

People always say they want to have a lot of money. What people don't realize is that money opens doors but shuts others in ways you wouldn't imagine. Be careful what you wish for. And be prepared when you get it.

I don't believe in karma, so if you must... tell the motherfucker off!

Don't do drugs. Exercise positive thinking. Pray if you need to. Treat your body with respect, it's the only one you have.

Know yourself and stay true to yourself. Once you achieve that, fuck what everyone else thinks. Don't follow the crowds and don't do anything 'just because'. Live a life of honesty and passion and you will never regret anything.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Flighty

Bouncin' out that bitch!

Some of the most amazing opportunities have come my way as of late [the result of positive thinking?] and I have learned to be careful what I wish for! At this time, I should have been living sky high in a cool apartment with two cool girls. Too good to be true? Perhaps it was.

I have been all over the place lately. I've been living out of bags the past few weeks trying to figure out my next move. I'm actually pretty surprised at how quickly [and comfortably] I've adjusted to this major change... especially since change is uncomfortable, I loathe feeling displaced and even worse, I have to make do with about 15% of my belongings [the rest is in storage]. Right now I'm staying with family about an hour away from NYC because... well, I decided to take a risk.

Three weeks ago a casual acquaintance presented me with a dreamlike scenario - live in a modern, high rise, luxury building three blocks from Times Square for three times less than market rate. I jumped at the chance, and started making plans to move out of my current apartment. I had begun packing, I'd hired movers and I'd struggled to get my security back from my stingy/con-artist-wannabe roommate [where do I meet these people?!]. I was stressed out of my mind but my giddiness held me over. The dream began unraveling quickly and after one last aggravation on my way to the new building - I decided to follow my instincts and call it quits. Although I was faced with homelessness since I had already moved out of my old apartment and hadn't yet made it to the new one, I told the acquaintance that I was putting my things in storage and she would have to find a new roommate. As much as I wanted to live in a gorgeous apartment, it wasn't worth it to live alongside such unstable and whacked girls.

Was she upset? Maybe. Did I care? Hell no. I don't give my money to shady, irresponsible characters. Did I see the warning signs? Like the fact that she and her BFF [the other roommate] were unemployed and forever leaving me out of the apartment loop choosing to clue me in on happenings, hours, sometimes minutes beforehand? Or the fact that there already seemed to be a "them vs me" mentality in the house? Perhaps. Was I so excited about "living the dream" that I practically ignored those signs until it was almost too late? Definitely. I was frustrated at their incompetence but minutes later, I felt extremely relieved. I believe they're still unemployed and are now living in the aforementioned apartment illegally.

It's possible that they made mistakes due to stress but I found it funny that the same girls who called me "wide eyed and bushy tailed" a day earlier couldn't seem to get their shit together by move-in day. I on the other hand; was all packed up, money in hand, with jobs lined up and ready to go. Nothing I hate worse than being called a kid by someone who is older yet in a worse position than me. I hope the people who wonder why I usually don't take risks are reading this. And where were you at when I needed a place to stay?! Okay then. Being homeless and 50+ miles away from your intended new neighborhood is no joke. A few people have regaled me with tales about how in their twenties, they were constantly moving too. Frankly, that doesn't help me much because the only stereotypical thing about me being 21 is that I'm broke. Other than that I'm an old lady and I want a home already! I went from a Manhattan girl to a Brooklyn girl... and now most likely, a Queens [ahem, Astoria] girl.

The past few weeks have had me on an emotional roller-coaster. I had a falling out with my old roommate [can you believe homeboy was trying to deduct 6 months of utilities from my security deposit?!], I quickly found I couldn't trust the new ones [grown ass losers], I had some friends catch me when I fell [even putting their ass on the line for me], meanwhile others disappointed me. I have been in and out of the city apartment searching [Astoria where you at!?], putting in a few hours at my gig and fitting in some much-needed hanging out between all that hard work.

And speaking of being careful what I wish for... one night while out, I met a guy... an incredibly FLY guy. I am crushing so hard and now you know! Cross your fingers for me. Haters to the left.

Remember that it's okay if people underestimate you because the power to prove them wrong is now in your hands... oh and always always have a plan B.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Routine

For those of you who wonder what I do with my time…

DAILY:
-Brush teeth/Wash face.
-Decide if I’m gonna go out...
If yes:
-I shower. [I have a whole routine for showering. Is that crazy or what?!]
-Pick an outfit and get dressed. Sometimes I'm dressed and then I'll start all over because it doesn't look right. Pain in the ass for real.
-Do hair and makeup.
-Organize my bag [ie: I don't bring sunglasses with me at night].
-If I’m meeting someone I text them and say I’m on my way, and head out the door.
If not:
-Job search/do research [for an upcoming project].
-Check e-mail.
-Read new articles/blogs. Sometimes comment.
-Think of ways to conquer the world.
-Brainstorm about blog topics, potential 9-5’s, how to achieve what I want out of life.
-Talk to or text at least 5 people.
-IM like crazy.
-Dodge creditor phone calls.
-Order or make dinner.
-Late night chat with my buddy or on the phone with friends talking about “life”.

WEEKLY:
-Leave the house once or twice to do errands: Library, post office, laundry, groceries.
-Leave the house 3-4 times a week to meet with friends, hang out, sometimes interview or audition for gigs.
-Dust [my house is super dusty. It's insane.]
-Change my invisalign aligner [yay for perfect teeth!]
-Stress about my life.

MONTHLY:
-Begrudgingly pay rent.
-Shop [this used to be a weekly thing]. Sometimes it's a lip gloss, other times a dress.
-Get in touch with my family. We don't talk much obviously.
-Stress even more acknowledging how fast time flies.
-Someone random will hit me up.
-Make 1-2 new friends.

It’s kind of blah lately. Especially since I'm between jobs and hate my roommates and where I live. I don’t work out, I don’t really go for walks, I don’t do too many exciting things on my own [I take comfort in the fact that no one really does]. Either way, I am hoping to change all that soon. Big things are coming my friends! [I really want to share but I’ve learned it's best to share exciting news when things are well under way.]

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Gaga

It is said that she rose to fame the old-fashioned way, playing in various underground clubs in the New York circuit, schlepping around the Lower East Side with her friends, dabbling in drugs and debauchery, trying her hand at go-go dancing and convincing everyone who came across her path that she was somebody important. [“You have the ability to self-proclaim your own fame.”] Mission accomplished my lady.

Let’s talk about the genius that is this platinum-haired pixie. I for one do not believe in celebrity adoration [nor celebrities as role models], but this girl… this girl has got me thinking. There is something so intrinsically special about her, an inherent swag so undeniable I can’t help but be enamored by her brilliance and stage presence. She’s only 2 years older than me and she already has a platinum debut album with three #1 singles. She is extremely focused and very intelligent [with her head on right], and for that she will succeed.

I love that she’s so proud to be a New Yorker that she mentions its influence on her in almost every interview, and that she talks about it with the same pride and fervor most NYC rappers do. I love that she’s not afraid to come off intelligent and witty and in charge. I love that she calls out interviewers who ask her dumb questions and veer onto irrelevant topics. I love that she cares about her fans so much and that putting on good shows for them is so vital in her world. I love how she doesn’t give a shit about the haters, heck she’s so focused she probably doesn’t even realize they exist. I love that her embodiment of a “performance artist” is immensely serious for her and she’s not interested in playing games or chasing fame like so many other young adults in the business.

Her style is different and gets her noticed. She’s an admitted exhibitionist, and I think it’s safe to say I’ve seen her ass more than I’ve seen mine. True story. Her ambition and confidence are profound and inspiring. She’s extremely culturally aware; not just of art from this era, but art, artists and designers from previous eras. She does her own thing and she doesn’t apologize for it. It’s almost as if she’s a fairy tale princess come to life, that’s how I like to think of her. A fairy tale princess who alludes to poking people's faces and refers to a disco stick as a euphemism for male anatomy.

Speaking of her tunes, Lady Gaga’s music is beat driven pop, stuff that when played in the club, most could [and would] actually dance to. She’s very talented with piano skills under her belt and a vocal range reminiscent of huskier voiced songstresses. She has caught some flack from people who can’t understand why she hadn’t released something with more substance, more depth instead. Understandably, the album is mostly fluff, with catchy lyrics and a pretty little melody here and there – but Lady Gaga knows what she’s doing. She has stated many times that her music is soulless; it is pop music about the underground party lifestyle, about seeking or attaining ‘The Fame’. And what is fame if not soulless? On top of that… Let’s be real here. You don’t get three #1 hits talking about philosophical, deep hullaballoo. Not in the U S of A. Anyway – I hope I can make it to her and Kanye’s show this fall. It’s gonna be bananas. [EDIT: I saw her in concert in January 2010 - it was one of the most fun-filled experiences of my entire life.]


Lady Gaga has confirmed what I happened to already suspect: Pimpin’ is not easy – but it sho is fun!!!