Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Guilty

Things I should feel shame about, yet I don’t:
  • Sometimes in the middle of an excruciatingly slow book… I’ll flip to the back and read the ending. If I hear a movie has a twist, in most cases I will google it and get the 411 beforehand. I’m one of those people that’s generally pretty stoic, but sudden twists and surprises tap into my sensitivity and I refuse to be shocked into tears and agony! Obviously, I hate surprises.
  • Drinking Pepsi. My ultimate guilty pleasure [but hey, we all have/need one]. It’s that crack!
  • If I have a few days or even weeks off, I can and will sleep 10-12 hours a day. An alarm clock is often no match for me when my body is determined to sleep! Yes, sometimes I sleep the day away. It's not always as awesome as it sounds. Sometimes I wake up feeling very well-rested, and other times I wake up feeling like I’ve been hit by a truck. Either way, I usually get very little done that day.
  • A three bag pile up of dirty laundry.
  • Leaving the dishes in the sink overnight. Sometimes I just can’t be bothered. And seriously if someone is going to be upset about dishes in the sink, they need write a letter to the Devil and ask him to grace them with some real problems. Because, I mean, really.
  • Being elitist. Yes I discriminate. I by no means desire to be mingling closely with ignorant, uncouth, slovenly, has more kids than fingers, comfortably living off the government type of individuals of any race or age. And if I meet one I will probably run the other way because if I attempted a conversation with one, my brain might just explode. That stuff is contagious!!!
  • Telling people off. I’m pretty reasonable and cool-headed, and things don’t usually escalate to an angry level until I’ve had enough. When it gets to that point, the ensuing conversation is just unbelievably epic. It’s even better when I’m dealing with someone who wants to argue back. They never win or make their point because they usually don’t have one!
  • Cutting in front of people. In NYC getting through a crowd is a series of carefully crafted bobs and weaves. I will cut right through a couple if they’re walking too slow. I will cut off a family that’s just trudging slowly along the street. And if there’s a crowd on the sidewalk waiting to cross the street, I just have to zigzag my way to the front. Which is silly because in the event a car decides to strike all of us, I’d get hit first. But apparently, I'll do what I have to do just to be a leader.
  • I’m not a pet person. I think dogs [fuck cats!] are adorable and friendly but I'm not into the idea of one living with me because I believe animals should be in the wild; unfettered, licking their asses, and hunting and shit. I also think an added advantage of having animals roam free is that they can poop with free will, and I won't be forced to pick it up. That is just wonderful. My selfishness also has some bearing on this belief [but that’s another story for another day]. I feel the worst for birds trapped all day in cages though. I mean, really folks, what are you thinking?! I hate people sometimes.
  • I cannot hide how I feel. I have a face that tends to say it all. If there’s a funky smell my face will say “Who didn’t wash up?!” If I’m weirded out, I will have this strange lil half smile on as I’m trying to get along. I even make faces at interesting people/events on the subway… my favorite being a subtle “Tha fuck?!” face, eyebrows all scrunched. It’s great though because people can always tell how I'm feeling.
  • On the rare occasion that I am forced to canoodle with someone I don't particularly care for; I keep it classy and concise or just ignore them. It’s not even overt ignoring, I just behave as if they’re not even in the room. I usually have a very valid reason for flat out disliking a person. I’ve usually gotten to know them and decided they weren’t for me [or in some cases, anyone]. They either know [because I’ve already told them off!] or have an idea [because my facial expressions never lie] and the ignoring is way more effective than shit-talking. When you talk shit all you do is let the other person know that they’re at the forefront of your mind, and obviously important to you. When you ignore, they wonder. Then, you're on their mind versus them being on yours. It’s like magic! Now if they want to come over, be proper and say hello, I’ll think to myself “My, aren’t you bold!” and exchange pleasantries because they’re human, but no such “Damn girl, I am just loving your outfit. Did you do something new to your hair?!” I am not fond of coming off two-faced and hypocritical. I keeps it real. Now if they come at me all ugly and such, I’ll just have to excuse myself and walk away. A true lady doesn’t not beat bitches down in public, and most certainly not while she’s wearing her finest. Plus, I know I don’t carry Vaseline while I’m out at nice places.
  • When I’m home, especially for extended periods of time, I am makeup-less, hair looking crazy, dressed in loose [kinda baggy] PJs or something or the sort, with no undergarments on. Oh well! I can’t look like a Victoria's Secret Model all the time.
  • My 65 lip glosses, lipsticks, lip balms. SIXTY FIVE. That's enough for all the children in a Little Miss Pretty Pageant! Okay I’m lying, I do feel a little shame about this. Any takers?
Remember to stay true to yourself, do what you feel is right... and fuck guilt!

Clueless

If you're clueless, you can kiss me goodbye!

 This word was coined by me and is often used by my various lady friends to describe the men we all deal with on a day to day basis.

Don't even think of leaving me a scathing comment talking about how you know/are a man who is different. Because truth is buddy, you're a rare breed.

I have a pretty laid-back, genuine, non-judgmental [it's true!] demeanor. Almost everyone who meets me becomes very comfortable and very forthcoming with me very soon. I accept people for who they are, and if I can't accept them, I don't deal with them. That's what I live by. And I rarely, if ever make snap judgments... because we all have a story behind the façade. I know lots of people's deepest secrets, biggest fears, truest feelings. It's also possible that these experiences have helped me become very keen on human behavior and have deepened my perceptive abilities. But anyway, I am saying all this to say that it's amazing the things that men try to pull when they get "comfy" with you.

I've had men try to kiss me on the mouth, try to grope me inappropriately, try to put their hands down or up my shirt, try to enter me, all despite my saying NO and showing no interest. I'm saying they "tried to", but some of them succeeded [quick motherfuckers]. I guess I didn't say "NO!" loud enough! Can you believe I even have to say that?! I have learned that I can't be "cool" with any man who has feelings for me, and in my case that's 9 men out of 10.

Masculine gay men holla at me ;-)

Other ridiculous things that have been said and done to me:

Monday, March 30, 2009

Lucky


I've just spent the early morning hours simultaneously scaring the shit out of and disgusting myself by reading about various NYC based deaths and murders; the Central Park Jogger, Imette St. Guillen, Nixzmary Brown, Sabrina Green, Catherine Woods, Tiesha Sargeant, Lynda Hong, Laura Garza, Jennifer Levin and a few others. [Now would be a good time to mention that I find stories of crime - especially murder - morbidly fascinating and intriguing. I hate the idea that people are murdered across the world for senseless reasons, but the stories pull me in. I wonder what was going through the killer's head, I empathize with the victims, I want to know all the details and all the different motives. I'm interested in how the justice system handles different cases, and more importantly, I want to understand crime to potentially prevent it.]

The various tragedies brought so many emotions and thoughts to my mind:
  • There are lots of psychopaths running around, and childhood trauma compared with current intense emotion can drive people to do absolutely insane things. People should be tested before they can reproduce. 
     
  • People, women especially really need to listen to their gut and be careful what kinds of people [especially guys] they associate with. Many of women I highlighted above were murdered by ex-boyfriends, or shady men they were spending too much time with! Which brings me to my next question...
  • At any point did their [I'm taking about the adults] alarm bells go off? I've nary been in a situation where mine were ringing off full blast, but I have thought to myself "I don't know about this guy..." upon hanging out with someone strange. Something told me that they'd be the type to go ahead and do some deranged shit had I given them a "reason". That was enough for my ass to hightail it out of there and never see the guy again.
     
  • A few of the victims were described as vivacious, special, attractive girls, which of course unnerves me because that's pretty much my personality in a nutshell. I'm a target!!! You think I'm kidding but that realization actually scared the shit out of me.
     
  • One of my biggest fears is to be murdered. How horrific and unfair. I don't always think murderers should receive the death penalty [although an eye for an eye sounds perfect in many cases], but I think that they should without a doubt no question be in jail for life. Especially if it was gruesome and/or premeditated. I mean, what is with this 25 years bullshit?! Don't have me in the courtroom cause I will make fool outta myself screaming "LIFE! LIFE!" and then have to be dragged outside. A person who commits that kind of crime is not a person who is fit to live amongst society.
     
  • I need some pepper spray ASAP!!!
     
  • I am huge on justice ["I'm for truth no matter who tells it, I am for justice no matter who it's for or against..." - Malcom X] and the cases that go unsolved grind my gears so bad! I'm relieved when cases get solved, but it's so incredibly frustrating to me that even though the psychopath is behind bars, their motives still go largely unknown.
  • Another thought I had upon reading those heartbreaking stories was that I've been very lucky. Despite being accosted by a few bozos, and pushed upon sexually [fortunately, in a non violent way] I have been in pretty safe situations. What the hell has stopped me from ending up in 16 pieces and dumped into the Hudson River?! [no disrespect Angel Melendez]. Who knows?! But whatever I'm doing, I better keep doing it.
When I first moved to the city not too long ago; I was naive, bouncy and full of life. I had no reservations about going over stranger's houses, or inviting acquaintances to my workplace or my home. I thought nothing of giving out my phone number, having casual friends pick me up, or riding in cars with boys I barely knew. I was crazy!!! [In truth, I was very naive and always saw the good in people, and I had no real point of reference for what crazy looked like]. I attracted all sorts of wayward individuals, but despite my naïveté, I think I stayed safe because I always heeded that 'feeling' deep down. In the end, my gut always told me what I needed to do. It was like my mommy. Thank goodness the city has a quick and rough way of toughening you up or else my "come one, come all" personality may have suffered some hard lessons.

So the lesson here people is Listen to your gut! Listen to friends and families' guts too... [sometimes other people can see what we clearly cannot], stay away from controlling, jealous, and narcissistic types, be careful with ex-boyfriends, lock your doors; and if you ever suspect, see or hear about any type of child endangerment... call social services ASAP. I've done it before, and even if it was a false alarm, it's better to be safe than sorry. There is no shame in my game! We can't save everyone but it doesn't hurt to try.

Remember to be smart, keep your eyes open, and your hands on the mace.