Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Sunny


I don’t know if writing about it will jinx my good mood, but the fact is… I’ve been deliriously happy this past week! I’ve spent a lot of time with my lovely friends [some of them new] and I think that all the laughter and all the love [and the fab weather] really helped lift me out of the slump of disappointment and discouragement I was in.

My “recovery” has been so amazing that I find myself waking up at the crack of dawn all by myself! This is unheard of for me. The downside is that by sundown, I’m yawning obnoxiously and trying to wrap things up so I can go home and sleep. So this is what it’s like to be a lame real adult!

So I’m enjoying this newfound… eh…. outlook I have going on. I’ve been wandering around the city a lot and have been seeing it in a totally different light. Instead of seeing it as dirty, expensive, pretentious – I’m beginning to see it as magical, full of character, wonder and possibility. Plus, people-watching in this city is hella funny. Folks act like they don’t know any better than to act crazy in public. [Then again: The only thing that separates humans from animals is that humans won’t say no to money.] But it’s all good, fools give me plenty of chuckles on my train rides. I dole out plenty of side eye and giggle under my breath [and if they look my way, I just pretend I’m listening to music or daydreaming – I don’t get caught!]

But I digress. So my point was, I was rather chipper today. And yesterday too. And the day before that. And so on and so forth ad nauseam. I think happiness radiates… people can tell. I have surely been getting a lot more [unwanted] attention from the aaaamazinggg men of NYC. I’ve spent lots of time with my beloved buddies lately. Good friends who truly understand, love and support you are hard to find but they are so worth the search [and trust me, I have literally searched]. Hopefully I will be blessed enough to have these folks in my life forever, and to meet even more whimsical characters in the future.

I noticed something today though. Lots of people walk around with their faces twisted up like they just stepped in dog shit. I know this face well because it was plastered on mine for a long time. I blame the illuminati internet [and cellphones, etc]. You know why? I walked past a café today that was brimming with hipsters people. Each and every single person was plugged in. Laptop, mp3 player, cellphone, e-reader, video game thingy. I just wanted to walk down the row of tables and smack them all upside the head. One. By. One. Like, put the gadget down and socialize! What was created to bring us together is steadfastly driving us further apart. Don’t believe me? Count how many people you know or have met, who lack social skills. Hell, you might be one of them!

Remember to be smart, unplug, unwind, and breathe in the fresh, outdoor air.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Fabulist

Let’s talk about liars and people who lie [there’s a difference]. I once had a suitor lie to me for months about smoking pot- something he knew was a deal breaker for me. When he eventually came clean I was more frustrated with being lied to than the act itself [not to mention I felt silly for not figuring it out sooner but hey!]. In the end, I merely considered him someone who had lied.

There's a woman in my family who I'm paradoxically close to; she's a shameless woman, and she's a liar. Born and bred, within and throughout. Besides my her name and birth date, the little that I know about her is a bunch of falsehoods. A mess of loosely woven lies based on some tiny shred of truth. Needless to say she’s crazy. And also quite obvious is that despite her example, I decided to head down the opposite route and adopt honesty.

Why do people lie? Why do some feel no guilt over it? On the flipside, why are some people so brutally honest? Truth shouldn’t always have to hurt and there are some things you need to really think about letting out of the bag. Hello, good judgment! People act like they don’t know what that is anymore. But anywho. There are small lies: “Oh your skin doesn’t look broken out!”, big lies: “I don’t do crack anymore, I just sell it”, and devastating lies: “Honey, don't be silly, little Timmy looks nothing like the milkman!”

I had a roommate who, I felt, was a pathological liar. I know that a lot of his tales and stories were shared to illicit a sympathetic reaction from me; but as soon as I caught on to the bullshit, my heart went stone cold. This guy would tell me tales of previous illness, family drama, all sorts of connections his family had with somewhat famous folk. This man would proceed to “faint” on the kitchen floor after - sometimes during - our [mostly verbal] fights. Knowing he was trying to get a reaction out of me, I stepped right over his limp body into my bedroom. I am not stupid and I am not in theater. He did other insane, manipulative things but none of them pertain to this topic.

Remember that teacher in High School who started everyone in the class at 100%, and would then deduct your grade for failed tests, poor attendance or late homework? Well that’s kind of how I work. I initially trust what people say and believe they're being honest with me. It bugs me when people lie to me because I’m very laid-back about things and try not to be too judgmental. I feel that I'm someone people can afford to be honest with. Everyone I meet starts at 100%; a flawless record, a clean slate. Sometimes they stay in the top 20%, other times they fail [sometimes within the first semester!] and need to be dropped. Like I’ve said before on another topic, that lack of integrity is contagious!

I haven’t met that many chronic liars, but now they seem pretty easy to sniff out. I remember details. I ask lots of questions and always note inconsistencies. I don’t seek out lies, they just become apparent to me, almost like they rise to the top on their own. The desire some people have to maintain their delusions is quite sickening. They want to raise themselves up but are only bringing themselves down. They want to pretend they are someone they are not. Or sometimes, they just want to protect themselves from judgment or a verbal or physical lashing [which is understandable].

But when you tell the truth you don't have to keep tracj of what youy say, and you don't have to go so hard to defend yourself when someone opposes your point.  "You don't have to defend the truth, the truth defends itself." Remember to be smart, and if you’re gonna lie, make it an eensy one.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Possibilities

Summer is just around the corner. And my 21st is in about two weeks! I am using my upcoming birthday [and this wonderful season] as a reason to baby step into becoming a new woman. I want to straighten out, seek more stability and create structure in this life of mine.

A few days ago I felt like this:
This week, I’ve been slightly weighed down by this nagging, in-the-back-of-my-head dreadful feeling. Unfortunately I’ve been here before. The clock is tick tick ticking and my mind is swirling with a plethora of strange and splendid ideas regarding what to do with my life. I’m stuck. Partly because I don’t want to do anything this summer but booze and bronze it up, and partly because I feel like the fantasy 9 to 5’s I desire are so out of reach.

Despite not knowing exactly what direction I want to head in, I’ve decided it’s time to start tiptoeing along that tightrope. I have so many things I want to do, and I honestly don’t know what I’m waiting for! I was getting so bored with myself I was contemplating running down the aisle and getting knocked up [and we all know marriage is for people who ran out of things to do]. No more excuses, no more insecurity. I am lucky enough to be young, healthy and intelligent [some like to say I’m pretty and charming *flutters eyelashes*]. I may not have much but I need to use what I do have right now.

Cheers to new beginnings!!!

Remember that as long as you’re still breathing, it’s never too late to start anew.