Saturday, August 22, 2009

APT

I have moved... let's see... about five times since first moving to the city in summer 2007. I've lived in two different boroughs... going on my third now [For social and safety reasons, I refuse to live in Staten Island or the Bronx. You know it's the truth!]

I was lucky that I knew much more about how NYC real estate works this time around. Knowing the right questions to ask, as well as knowing certain neighborhoods proximity to Manhattan helped me make a much sounder decision than I had in the past. When you know better, you do better. Plus, we all know how vital it is for me to upgrade. My criteria for the new place was:

Less than a 1/2 hr commute to Manhattan, day or night
Medium or large bedroom with closet
Clean, modern apt/building
No pets, no smokers, no places with a zillion roommates
Close to subway
Hip, safe neighborhood with activities in the vicinity
Grocery store and Laundrymat nearby
Long term availability

Well my friends. After three weeks of searching, I have found the place! I'm in Astoria baby! [Once I started looking, I knew in my gut that I'd end up here.] Not only is the area pretty cool but I am geographically closer to most of my friends [no one I hung with really lived in or near Brooklyn]. I can't say much for my new housemate other than how darling and model-esque she is, but the place and location is great and I was able to nab it at a pretty affordable price. And my room and closet are pretty big [something I had to search high and low for I tell ya!] It also feels nice to live with people who are not only women [nothing beats shamelessly walking around in a t-shirt and panties], but seemingly cool. My new housemates are a few years older than me, but I feel we'll have more in common than the scragglers I've been forced to hole up with before... everything from white fratboys, a pair of loser 35 year olds, a shallow social climbing couple, and a manic depressive. Oh New York City -- you sure are one for diversity. [I did find it interesting that my new housemates are near 30 and basically doing the same thing as me though... it makes me wonder if I'm ahead or if they're behind? Or vice versa?]

Now it's time to gear up and hire movers yet again and then prepare for my 11 hour a day gig starting in September. I am the primary caretaker for a baby boy who's only a few weeks old. They are fabulous and I feel really comfortable and appreciated there. And since I want my paycheck and an extension that's all I will say.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Through


I was watching a Lady Gaga interview awhile ago and she was asked "Are you really Gaga 24/7?" Seemingly tired of being asked the same silly question over and over again, she answered and then said, "After today, I will no longer explain myself."

And you know what? That really resonated with me because lately I have realized how truly tired I am of explaining myself [ie why I tick the way I do], how frustrated I've been constantly putting others feelings before mine [ie saying I'm sorry when interrupting a chatting employee even though I need help], pausing to try and play my words tactfully instead of just blurting out what I think, holding back information about myself because I know it would be frowned upon, divulging info I'd rather not under some imaginary pressure [ie how much I pay in rent, how much I make].

I blame most of this behavior on my few years as a committed Jehovah's Witness... the organization really stifled my true spirit and forced me to become someone who could fit into a neat little box. I felt as though perfection was stressed and words and actions were to be extremely thought through for fear of affecting someone else and their faith negatively. It was a good way to grow up [because honestly, kids get into things way too young nowadays] but I regret how it cut me off from the rest of the world and how terrified members were made to feel about leaving. The religion is for a specific type of individual, one who is not me. I left the religion amicably a few years ago but it seems old habits die hard.

This is not to say I have been fake since then, this is not to say that from this point on I'm broadcasting what I do to the world with unabashed shame/fervor. It just means I won't ever again craft my words to make something sound better; and I won't ever again defend a choice I've made. It means that I've realized I'm not responsible for how others feel, so instead of accommodating their comfort I will now address mine. I do my best not to judge/puppeteer/bully others, especially those close to me, and it's about time they do the same for me. People are too damn nosy, and selfish and entitled... and for lack of a better statement... It's time I try it out!

It amazes me how people react to others and their lives. If you don't like it, walk away. I accept people for who they are and if I can't, I don't deal with them. Simple as that. If an otherwise good person does or says something off, make your point heard loud and clear just once and then LIVE AND LET LIVE.

Life is hard but I'm going to make it easier for myself. This is going to be hard, but change starts today.

I will no longer politely step out of someone's way when they don't say 'Excuse me.'
I will no longer divulge information I don't want to divulge.
I will not let people make me feel bad about my life choices.
I will not lie to appease someone's self-esteem.
I will no longer bite my tongue when someone has wronged me.
I will no longer dim my diamond shine because I'm around pebbles.

From now on, I'm going to be the motherfuckin' Rock Star I was always meant to be. I think that is in everyone's best interests.

Friday, August 14, 2009

List

1. I hate the sound of typing and horses galloping. Lord knows what I'd do if I was confronted with both at the same time.
2. I'm always cold... and therefore would rather be sweating than shivering.
3. I'm double-jointed.
4. Wetting my hands [ie: washing dishes] often makes me wanna pee really badly. It's super annoying.
5. I have a morbid fixation with true tales of murder. I'm very intrigued as to what would drive someone to do such a thing.
6. I'm very independent and have been since a young age. Sometimes I'm very resentful that I had to be and I wonder what I missed out on as a kid.
7. I'm very opinionated, but often bite my tongue. I'm convinced that if I didn't, I'd be a lot less popular.
8. I cringe at the saying "It is what it is". It's so pointless it's really better to say nothing. I generally can't stand cliche, catch-all phrases.
9. I would love to visit Santorini, Paris, Bali, Capetown and Rio de Janeiro, in that order.
10. I am deathly afraid of becoming my Mother.
11. I don't know who I dislike more: immature, selfish or delusional people.
12. I was born 9lbs, with blue eyes, black hair and porcelain skin. I am the "light-skinned" one out of my siblings. I am much tanner now but I still have "caucasian" type skin [freckles and mild rosacea].
13. Most of the time, I feel very misunderstood. I attribute it to me being much smarter than everyone.
14. I never pushed myself academically, skating by with little effort and B's and A minuses. It took me a while to get over that laziness.
15. I want to be married once, and do it right the first time.
16. Nachos [Mexican food] make me extremely happy.
17. I rarely drink, mostly because I don't like the taste of alcohol and losing control over myself scares me shitless. I am more likely to have a drink with dinner than while out dancing.
18. I'm not a fan of bars. I'd rather dance than drink, and the noise level at bars also makes it hard to have a conversation.
19. Apparently, I often intimidate people - which is funny to me since I'm petite and have a pretty sweet face.
20. My parents and I aren't close but I have no grudges against them. With that being said, I'm pretty close to my siblings, and I adore the aunts and uncles I have gotten a better chance at getting to know.
21. I could watch basketball for days.
22. I'm a hardcore nightowl.
23. I rarely get my nails and hair done but feel incomplete without makeup on. Everyone looks better with makeup!
24. My relationships are very important to me.
25. I used to be very naive when it came to men. Time has taught me that the charmers I used to go weak for are often bad news.
26. I am ink free, but I've debated getting a tattoo for 3 years now. I already know what I want, the question is where?
27. Sometimes, I take things too personally.
28. I can be vindictive.
29. As long as I can remember I've had no problem attracting men. I wonder when this will change and if I will even notice.
30. I don't regret missing the "college experience" but I sometimes wish I could get a High School do-over. I would have applied myself more, had a bit more fun, and relished my youth much more.
31. I go back and forth on the topic of having kids. Sometimes I want 3, sometimes none at all. I guess I have time.
32. I am a [fantastic] poet, with 200+ poems under my belt. I started writing in general when I was 12 and tackled poetry a bit later, after taking a peek at one of my brother's journal entries. I started drawing a little while before that in school, but drew my first sketch outside class at a friends house. I was surprised at how good it turned out and kept drawing feverishly after that. Both poetry and drawing are on an indefinite hiatus :-/
33. I have nice hand-writing.
34. I love to kiss and don't get to do it as often as I would like. The same goes for dancing.
35. I have a love-hate relationship with New York City. Sometimes I hate the crowds and the subway and the dirt and the weather and the prices, but other times I know there's no other city in the world like it. Maybe one day we will be at peace with one another.
36. I love to read blogs and news articles online, I could do that all day.
37. I'm usually very well-spoken, but find it hilarious to throw in slang or some odd saying from another language in my speech.
38. I have an odd sense of humor.
39. My favorite celebs are Pharrell Williams, Lady Gaga and Victoria Beckham. They are all super duper fly and smart. Can't beat that combo with me.
40. I have three piercings. I want a few more but I think I've run out of desirable spots.
41. I'm originally from Long Island, NY but as soon as I stepped foot into NYC, I knew it was home instead.
42. If stranded on an island... one of the three things I would take would be a person. I need that human connection. As far as who, well that will take some thinking.
43. There isn't one person in my life that I 100% trust and can be myself with.
44. I am agnostic.
45. I love lists.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Crush



I don't know what I'm doing.
I am smitten with someone and I am losing my damn mind.
When was the last time I had a crazy crush? Was I 13? Yup. Was he halfway as cool as this guy? No senor!

I am going back and forth on whether I should divulge some details about him, some of my "favorite things" if you will. I'll [try to] be respectful and not to put his D.O.B. out there [he's a Scorpio], but I can tell you this: He's tall and fit, super intelligent [there's proof], chill, stylish, and universally sexy in the sense that any woman [or gay man] in their right mind would wholeheartedly agree. He's also my human kryptonite: He's of mixed race, can dance, plays ball, is trilingual, has a nice phone voice [I'm petty, I know!], and can hold excellent conversation. Did I mention he's got that allure?! [Edit: Oh and let me not forget... his whip is a luxury vehicle... but that's not what got me... what made my mouth hit the floor is that it's lime green. Who's got style ma dude?!]

Anyway, the oddest thing about this is that... I never fall for anyone. Even the last two guys I dated were nothing compared to this guy. They were blips on the muthafuggin radar. Did I write any blog posts centered around them?! Exactly. This new guy is so fly that I don't care if things crash and burn between us... I'm taken by him and I just want to roll around in that feeling for a little bit.

A part of me is terrified. Truthfully, this is such a vulnerable position to be in and the last time I was even half as enamored as this it took me four whole years to close that chapter. I'm scared. I'm scared I'll fall for him even more... faster and harder than he may for me. I'm scared that he might meet someone else. Sometimes I worry... [and I probably shouldn't even say this aloud] that I'm not good enough for him.

Me and this guy... [let's call him Judas...] met at a lounge in downtown Manhattan last Friday night. I spotted him and thought he was super hot. When I got the chance, I struck up a conversation with him and as the night went on, we danced, flirted, chatted. Before he left, he asked for my number... and the next day he drove an hour out of his way to come see me. The butterflies haven't stopped since then.

I am hating and loving this crush thing all at once. One can say I'm definitely not used to being the "crusher".

I am not impressed by many people, heck! I without a doubt, think I'm smarter/cooler than most people. This guy impresses me. This guy challenges me.

For all I know, he will be the one to make me into a believer. [And if he doesn't, at least I'll get some incredible poetry out of it.]

What I've learned

Don't forget to have fun!

What I've learned: Lady Blue
Blogger/Socialite/Con Artist, 21, New York City

None of us have had perfect childhoods... to blame adult failure on childhood issues is, frankly, a cop-out. I'm very into crime stories and I've come across some individuals whose childhoods matched mine - why have they traipsed into murder and addiction and I have not? Deal with it or it will deal with you.

Going to college does not equal intelligence: Common sense rules. I know many people in college and many who didn't finish or even attend. In very few cases does 'education' seem to have any connection to their intelligence level.

Walks like a duck, talks like a duck. Stereotypes exist for a reason. Most people are predictable and easy to figure out because they follow their type to a T. There have been a few times where I've tested this theory and asked someone dressed rather stereotypically if they liked a certain artist or activity that would appeal to that type... and the answer was always a resounding yes. Tsk tsk.

Lames and losers are to be pitied, not taken seriously and then forgotten. I never let bozos take up head space. I have too much going on up there as it is.

The person who is rude to the waitress and nice to you is not a nice person. This is true a million times over. How people treat a neutral party says a lot about who they are. Odds are this individual is only being nice to you because you have something they want.

A man will only initiate conversation with a woman if he needs something or is interested in her.

There's no need to exercise jealousy. No matter how hot the girl, there's probably a handful of things she'd change about herself in an instant and there's a guy who's tired of fucking her.

Mingle and socialize often. You can learn and gain a lot from others.

Cocky guys usually have a lot of money or a big penis. Or both. I run from these types.

Nerds in High School win later in life. Lots of popular girls end up spent too soon or washed up. True story.

Fat, tall, skinny, short, at the end of the day, confidence reigns supreme. No one wants to be around a Debbie Downer, period, ever.

Pick your battles. Methinks spouting obscenities to every idiot that crosses your path is a bit much. Plus, think of the children.

Learn to accept others beliefs without compromising your own.

Don't be a hater. It's a waste of time and being jealous of someone else won't improve your lot in life.

For the women: Don't rule out the quiet guy. Don't be afraid to approach a guy. Be a lady.

Cut out toxic people. Even if they're family.

Go hard or go home. I'd rather be remembered for trying my hardest than forgotten for being mediocre.

Figure out who you can trust with your secrets. Better yet, don't do anything you'd be ashamed of, that way if the whole world finds out, you can smile proudly and say "And?!" That's what I do.

Pay attention when people tell you about themselves. I can recall so many times when a guy confessed to me that he "used to be a bad dude" and not long later would demonstrate exactly what he meant.

For the men: Remember, she has a heart. She is someone's daughter or sister. Be a gentleman.

Do not let society and the media rule you. They are not in your living room. Unplug. Detach. Who cares what they think?

Watch out for people who are funny about money. A true friend should have no qualms about sharing things with you. [Unless you are shady in other words, check yourself!] Remember that most people are your best friends until you need something.

Life is all about balance. If you indulge in something too much be aware that you are probably neglecting something else.

Friends are the most important relationships you will have in life. Find good friends and cherish them always.

Learn at least one social skill or learn to be okay with being lonely.

People always say they want to have a lot of money. What people don't realize is that money opens doors but shuts others in ways you wouldn't imagine. Be careful what you wish for. And be prepared when you get it.

I don't believe in karma, so if you must... tell the motherfucker off!

Don't do drugs. Exercise positive thinking. Pray if you need to. Treat your body with respect, it's the only one you have.

Know yourself and stay true to yourself. Once you achieve that, fuck what everyone else thinks. Don't follow the crowds and don't do anything 'just because'. Live a life of honesty and passion and you will never regret anything.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Flighty

Bouncin' out that bitch!

Some of the most amazing opportunities have come my way as of late [the result of positive thinking?] and I have learned to be careful what I wish for! At this time, I should have been living sky high in a cool apartment with two cool girls. Too good to be true? Perhaps it was.

I have been all over the place lately. I've been living out of bags the past few weeks trying to figure out my next move. I'm actually pretty surprised at how quickly [and comfortably] I've adjusted to this major change... especially since change is uncomfortable, I loathe feeling displaced and even worse, I have to make do with about 15% of my belongings [the rest is in storage]. Right now I'm staying with family about an hour away from NYC because... well, I decided to take a risk.

Three weeks ago a casual acquaintance presented me with a dreamlike scenario - live in a modern, high rise, luxury building three blocks from Times Square for three times less than market rate. I jumped at the chance, and started making plans to move out of my current apartment. I had begun packing, I'd hired movers and I'd struggled to get my security back from my stingy/con-artist-wannabe roommate [where do I meet these people?!]. I was stressed out of my mind but my giddiness held me over. The dream began unraveling quickly and after one last aggravation on my way to the new building - I decided to follow my instincts and call it quits. Although I was faced with homelessness since I had already moved out of my old apartment and hadn't yet made it to the new one, I told the acquaintance that I was putting my things in storage and she would have to find a new roommate. As much as I wanted to live in a gorgeous apartment, it wasn't worth it to live alongside such unstable and whacked girls.

Was she upset? Maybe. Did I care? Hell no. I don't give my money to shady, irresponsible characters. Did I see the warning signs? Like the fact that she and her BFF [the other roommate] were unemployed and forever leaving me out of the apartment loop choosing to clue me in on happenings, hours, sometimes minutes beforehand? Or the fact that there already seemed to be a "them vs me" mentality in the house? Perhaps. Was I so excited about "living the dream" that I practically ignored those signs until it was almost too late? Definitely. I was frustrated at their incompetence but minutes later, I felt extremely relieved. I believe they're still unemployed and are now living in the aforementioned apartment illegally.

It's possible that they made mistakes due to stress but I found it funny that the same girls who called me "wide eyed and bushy tailed" a day earlier couldn't seem to get their shit together by move-in day. I on the other hand; was all packed up, money in hand, with jobs lined up and ready to go. Nothing I hate worse than being called a kid by someone who is older yet in a worse position than me. I hope the people who wonder why I usually don't take risks are reading this. And where were you at when I needed a place to stay?! Okay then. Being homeless and 50+ miles away from your intended new neighborhood is no joke. A few people have regaled me with tales about how in their twenties, they were constantly moving too. Frankly, that doesn't help me much because the only stereotypical thing about me being 21 is that I'm broke. Other than that I'm an old lady and I want a home already! I went from a Manhattan girl to a Brooklyn girl... and now most likely, a Queens [ahem, Astoria] girl.

The past few weeks have had me on an emotional roller-coaster. I had a falling out with my old roommate [can you believe homeboy was trying to deduct 6 months of utilities from my security deposit?!], I quickly found I couldn't trust the new ones [grown ass losers], I had some friends catch me when I fell [even putting their ass on the line for me], meanwhile others disappointed me. I have been in and out of the city apartment searching [Astoria where you at!?], putting in a few hours at my gig and fitting in some much-needed hanging out between all that hard work.

And speaking of being careful what I wish for... one night while out, I met a guy... an incredibly FLY guy. I am crushing so hard and now you know! Cross your fingers for me. Haters to the left.

Remember that it's okay if people underestimate you because the power to prove them wrong is now in your hands... oh and always always have a plan B.