Monday, December 21, 2009

Reflections

I was just looking back at some of my oldest posts and I noticed how much my writing style has changed. I come across a bit less brash, a little more eloquent I think. It's probably because I'm in a better place now. [I'd just like to briefly note that this post is my 40th. The control freak in me is satisfied that I'm ending 2009 with an even number of BlueShame posts. Strange, I know.]

When I started this blog [in March of this year], I was living in an 8x12 room 40 minutes from Manhattan [on a good day] with two corny, semi-useless 30 year olds. I was also reeling from a break-up with a man I had grown attached to, despite there being nothing of real worth between us. I was also jobless and broke. And let's not forget that all 12 months of 2008 were pretty much a waste of a year what with my depression, lack of funds and psycho roommate. Sooo yeah. To say I've bettered my life and grown up is pretty much an understatement.

I always try to think fondly of the past, even when it hurts to reflect on some of the things I've gone through. I'm an incredibly strong young lady. I am, an incredibly strong young lady. And luckily, I have the resilience of a child. What can ever break me? Perhaps I will pass before I know. I look towards the future warmly, and I can't wait to see what this New Year will bring.

I am proud of how far I've come and who I am today.
I have my own place.
I always pay my bills on time.
[And I arrive to appointments 10 minutes early.]
I've never touched a drug.
I have no "baggage".
I know how to be gracious.
I know how to cook.
I know how to clean a tub, a fridge, a floor, a room.
I know how to do my own makeup.
And my hurrh.
I can dress for many occasions:
An interview. A baby shower. A funeral.
I own lots of dress-up clothes.
And dress shoes.
I know how to listen.
How to say no.
I know when to stop.
And when to begin.

Soon I will know ashtanga and bikram quite well.
I will know how to play piano. Even if just a little.
I will know how to tell a short story in French.
I will sip coffee in Seattle in the spring.
I will see the blue waters of [insert tropical place here] with my own eyes.
And I'll navigate the winding streets of Paris with my own feet.
I will get on a plane and travel to a new destination at least 5 or 6 times.
And no matter how much fun I have, I'll look forward to coming home.
I'm trying to live my best life. [Thanks Oprah!]

I'm still working on my impatience though. It will be the death of me if I don't get a handle on it. That, and my random shopping impulses. And the fact that I panic and think I'm going to die every time I get sick [just ask me how I was this past week!] For reals.

HAPPY EFFIN' NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!
Make 2010 a good one.
No one else can do that like you can.


Remember to be smart and if all else fails on NYE... go out, get a drink or two, and then have people over! Thank you for all the support. See you next year y'all.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Parenthood

How does it feel to be loved by a Mother? A Father? A Grandmother? A Grandfather?

It's one thing that I have never felt, and never will feel. After all, you only get one set of parents. You only get a couple of grandparents too.

This isn't something I'm sad about. Or mad about. I hold no grudges or ill will towards my folks. Why? I don't know. I have hated people for less. You only get one set of parents.

There's an empty space somewhere in me. That's the only way I can describe it. An empty space. Not a hole. Just a space that can't be filled, because I don't know what to fill it with. It's like asking someone what other galaxies are like. You don't know. So you just wonder. And imagine. And dream. But you won't ever know for sure. Not in this lifetime.

My parents are both headstrong, classy, Latin mutts. They are also very different. I don't know much about my mother's true personality, I know nothing of who she once was. I like to think she had a whimsicality about her when she was young, but I may never really know. The last time I saw her or spoke to her was months ago [by choice] and she was up to her usual. In her world, manipulation is the only constant, since it apparently never gets old. My Father is up there in age. He's smart. A businessman. Funny. A womanizer. He's sexist. And caring. He's driven and ignorant. And highly critical. My parents genetics were handed down to me quite perfectly I must say. I have my Mother's good looks and allure, but I think and behave like my Dad. I get down on my knees and thank sweet baby Jesus for such things on the daily. I also got my Dutch great grandpa's eyes, freckles and mild rosacea. Thanks guy!

By the time I was born, my paternal grandparents were long gone, and when I was 7 my maternal grandmother died of a brain tumor. I never got to know her well enough to get close to her. Apparently she and my Mother were close though, because after Mama died, my Mother mentally went south. My maternal grandfather lived in Dominican Republic with no plans to leave, even temporarily, and his life consisted of throwing 'em back all day everyday. I couldn't say he was someone I was eager to get well acquainted with. So there we were, Mother, 4 kids, Father a block way, the only real family we had in Long Island, let alone America.

My brother and I grew up with my Mother, and my sisters with my Father. We each have our own neurosis traced back to the parent we grew up with. I, for example, like a very clean, organized house since the last few years at my Mom's were spent navigating around piles and piles of junk - she was a classic hoarder. Perhaps I should give her a break. At my age, she had two little babies and was stationed in a new country with, I'm assuming, little knowledge of the language and culture. That was 1979. I didn't come along until 1988, when my Mom was 31. My Dad was 50. I was the make-up baby. But apparently a chubby, sweet faced, blue-eyed baby girl wasn't enough to mend what little they had left, and they divorced a year later. Or so the story goes.

I like to think that they loved me. That they loved us. It just wasn't the kind of love we needed. We spoke different love languages, that's all. My parents took me for granted. But you only get one set of parents.

Snippet

I just wanna say... I cooked today, and I am officially a legit woman now, yay me! I never thought I could master rice but the skills are there my friends. It's about time I put that year of Culinary Arts to good use! I've always said it though... I can cook, I just don't. I have better things to do, like tell people off or read a zillion blogs. Am I nerd because I read so much?

Next.

I'm really liking my new haircut. I had to go back because the hairdresser left my hair a mess the first time [uneven and puffy], but after I instructed her on what I wanted [essentially just a trim and some thinning of my hair], it looks fab-u. She asked me if I wanted to straighten it, but I passed. I straightened my hair like three weeks ago with the Chi Flat Iron [CRIZZY CRACK], and within 15 minutes my hair was pin straight. By day two I was tired of looking like everyone else. Curly hair for the win!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Advice

Seeing as though I'm a certified know it all and hate receiving advice, giving advice seems fitting. [You can thank the nutsy Blind Leading the Blind posts by Alexi Wasser for the inspiration. Why am I shouting her out when she doesn't even know who BlueShame is? Ahh, it just feels right.]

Get ready to take notes kids!

  • Put [a lot of] toilet paper on the seat girls. Or else put those calf muscles to use and squat. Sitting on the toilet is unacceptable and I will not tolerate it! How gross are you?!
  • Stop getting wasted. You will look ugly or act stupid, and people will lose respect for you. All uncomfortable things! If you feel yourself getting tipsy, put down the drink and sip some water instead.
  • Have your account automatically transfer money into another [preferably untouchable] account every time you get paid. It's the easiest way to save money.
  • Bad hair will ruin your whole damn thing people! Comb your hair! Style your hair! Whatever your hair! Nike it up and just do it! Please!
  • Stop cursing. It's ugly. And it's stupid!
  • Brush your teeth and wash your face twice a day. Things are just cleaner that way.
  • While we're at it, put on lotion. Don't be ashy! Smell good! Boys, get your hair cut! Is it so much to ask? It's not! Sheesh!
  • Girls: Sleep naked. Or at least sans underwear [braless is a given. Girls who sleep with bras on are masochists, especially for dealing with boulders like that to begin with]. Boys won't complain and you can let your body breathe! Newsflash! Your vagina needs to breathe! [I'm not sure if penises need to breathe. They are always hanging out anyway!]
  • Girls: Wear makeup. I have yet to see one girl who looks better without makeup. She doesn't exist! Period. End of story. Stop being lazy!
  • No matter where you are, walk on the right side. Not the left side - the wrong side. If you're a man walking around with a lady, the man should walk on the street side. Be a gentleman! Sheesh!
  • Dirty and long nails are a hazard! Do something! Unkempt is not what's up!
  • Clean your room! Dust bunnies are for attics! Do you live in an attic? Wipe it down, mop it up! While we're at it, fold your clothes and put them away! You paid good money for them! The floor is not the spot for them! Don't be a slob!
  • Stop buying the same clothes over and over! How many white tank tops do you need?! I have this problem and needed to create a DO NOT BUY memo on my blackberry! If you have this problem too, follow my lead! Matter fact, follow my lead in all aspects of life! Just give me credit for it!
  • Do right by the children! No one hurts the kids! They are our future!
  • Learn to iron or cook or knit. Something! Don't be skill-less! No one likes anyone without any skills!
  • Please and thank you never hurt anybody! Use your manners! Keep your elbows off the table and the cellphone off the dinner table and in your pocket! Rude!
  • Do not buy a new car! Certified pre-owned is the way to go! I don't even drive! [But this is what I've heard!]
  • I've said this before and I will say it again because there are too many people running around fucked up: Face and fix your issues! Deal with it or it will deal with you!
  • Drop off your laundry! Four hours spent doing laundry on a Saturday afternoon is four hours you won't get back! Don't be a loser!
  • Fix your skin and teeth people! We are not gangly teenagers anymore! I have followed my own advice here! Invisalign and chemical peels FOR THE WIN! A gleaming smile and clear skin will do wonders for your appearance people!
  • Broaden your horizons beyond Applebees for restaurants, The Great Gatsby for books and Puerto Rico for vacations! Grow up and get some taste you big snooze!
  • Don't stay friends with exes! This rarely works! There's 6 billion people in the world! When it's over it's over! Stop being lazy!
  • Learn how to dress for the occasion. Stop wearing sneakers 24/7 if you're older than 16! Sweatpants/sweatshirts/sweatsuits and/or flip flops are never acceptable in public! I don't care if it says Juicy on your ass! That is vile anyway! Are you a pig or what?!
  • Remember to be smart and be classy! Trashy is just that, trash!
There will be a part two! So get ready!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

You


 It was a stark realization when it finally hit me.

Someone hasn't genuinely loved me... in a looong time.
Someone hasn't truly loved me... ever.

Boyfriends should have saved their words. Friends continue to be conditional. It's safe to say that most people have gotten more from me than I've ever gotten from them. I really want to share me with someone. I haven't found you yet.

I am capable of love. I am capable of sharing a real, body-connecting embrace. I am capable of soft kisses and warm cuddles. And one day, I pray, that I'll make love, and that every fiber in my body will sigh. [Yes, I did just rip off one of my own poems with that last line.]

I've met some interesting people but I have yet to feel something real. You feel me? Something raw and exuberant and extraordinary. I have yet to feel some true intensity. I am wholly deserving of this. I am welcoming of this. But only, with you.

I know I've previously said "Be careful what you wish for..." but c'mon life!!! Where is it? 21 and a half years old already. I want you. I'm ready for you. I'm ready to believe that you're real.

I'm holding myself back - like I never have before - until I find you.

Please... let me find you.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Rundown

  • I have had some majorly fun moments with my circle these past few weeks. At the most random times I'm reminded how delightful my group of family and friends and admirers are. Nothing better than hearty laughs and sneaky adventures and impromptu house parties.
  • CrushBoy is still present. Despite my mind telling me no and my body telling me yes a la R. Kelly, he still gives me mega butterflies. Plus, he made me realize how much fun flirting can be - with or without him!
  • My new digs [as of the 1st] are clean, classic, gorgeous and adorable. Just like me! It's a little cooped up at the moment [see below] but after the New Year it will be just me and one of my really lovely girlfriends sharing the space. It's a cozy place with french windows, a balcony, and [what looks like] marble floors. My room gets great light and I have wood floors and doors! Say goodbye to the rotted carpets and dusty living spaces of yesteryear! I plan on staying here until I buy... which might be sooner than later thanks to...
  • My new job! Which I start after the New Year. It's legit, lucrative, matches my skill set and is gonna make me rich. And that's all I will say!
  • My constant company has turned into a constant nuisance. Okay folks, you can't say I didn't look on the bright side [see my last entry]. Luckily she has two months to go because despite her initial plans to stay with me until summer 2010 I made it clear she had three months max to get herself situated [which is generous enough, if you ask me]. In the meantime, I ignore her and rant to anyone who will listen [including the PITA her damn self] about her immense idiocy. Not only is she an immature skeez, but the ungrateful bat speaks poorly of me. I like to think that I'm saving her from herself.
  • I'm going to see Lady Gaga in concert in January at Radio City Music Hall!!! Yes I still love her with the hot passion of a thousand blazing suns. Or something. RAH RAH ROMAH MAH!!! It's awesome because a) I can't wait and b) if anything bad happens in the meantime, there's good news on the horizon... I'm going to see Lady Gaga!!!! "When I say to you, there is nobody like me, and there never was, that is a statement I want every woman to feel and make about themselves." - Lady Gaga. I've believed that about myself since conception. Methinks someone's been reading my diary.
  • I'm totes not made for studying. It has taken me... one month to get through 13 chapters in this study guide I'm trying to get through. Okay the chapters are long and it's lots of information to absorb, and the pages are timed, and you have to take little quizzes at the end and pass with a 70% to continue, but still!!! It's making me feel like a dunce!
  • The New Year is coming in less than four weeks... I'm excited but there is SO MUCH TO DO. By June 21st, the first day of summer... I want to have accomplished: Paying off at least 80% of my debt, saving a few k, starting yoga, perfecting my smile, and stealing J. Lo's complexion. If I manage to complete the first two in 6 months, I'm rewarding myself with a trip to Paris/somewhere exotic and beachy and a pair of Christian Louboutins [I have my eyes on the slingback platform pump and the hidden platform pump]. By the way, I'm having a NYE shindig at the new apartment, making 2009 the first year ever that I've done something other than sit home in PJs and watch the ball drop on TV.
  • Is it just me or does it feel like it goes: Holidays... then BAM! Summer! ?! The first half of the year always flies by to me.
  • I am really feening for a Sex and the City marathon... I just saw the movie again the other night but the show was SO much better than the movie. A million times better. I felt like the movie turned out to be what all the haters bitched that the show was about.
  • I need a haircut. I'm thinking something choppy-ish, even though my daredevil side is screaming "GO PIXIE!"
  • Patrick Swayze died this year. WHYYYYYYYYYY!!! I am actually tearing up at this. What is wrong with me?! I couldn't watch Dirty Dancing the other day because of this. *shrieks.. "Johnny Castle!!!"
  • I'm really growing up, and everyday that seems to become more apparent. You know how they say that as you get older and gain more responsibility, you will leave people behind? Well, I already see that happening. Or rather, can see it about to happen.
  • I still, really really hate unsolicited advice.
  • And I still, really really believe I'm a fucking genius.