Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Love


My first ever "non post". Take a look above, and read on. Very informative stuff.

The three components, pictorially labeled on the vertices of a triangle, interact with each other and with the actions they produce and with the actions that produce them so as to form seven different kinds of love experiences (nonlove is not represented). The size of the triangle functions to represent the "amount" of love - the bigger the triangle the greater the love. The shape of the triangle functions to represent the "type" of love, which may vary over the course of the relationship:
  • Nonlove is the absence of all three of Sternberg's components of love.
  • Liking/friendship in this case is not used in a trivial sense. Sternberg says that this intimate liking characterizes true friendships, in which a person feels a bondedness, a warmth, and a closeness with another but not intense passion or long-term commitment.
  • Infatuated love is pure passion. Romantic relationships often start out as infatuated love and become romantic love as intimacy develops over time. However, without developing intimacy or commitment, infatuated love may disappear suddenly.
  • Empty love is characterized by commitment without intimacy or passion. Sometimes, a stronger love deteriorates into empty love. In cultures in which arranged marriages are common, relationships often begin as empty love and develop into one of the other forms with the passing of time.
  • Romantic love bonds individuals emotionally through intimacy and physically through passionate arousal.
  • Companionate love is an intimate, non-passionate type of love that is stronger than friendship because of the element of long-term commitment. Sexual desire is not an element of companionate love. This type of love is often found in marriages in which the passion has gone out of the relationship but a deep affection and commitment remain. The love ideally shared between family members is a form of companionate love, as is the love between close friends who have a platonic but strong friendship.
  • Fatuous love can be exemplified by a whirlwind courtship and marriage in which a commitment is motivated largely by passion without the stabilizing influence of intimacy. A relationship, however, whereby an individual party agrees to sexual favors purely out of commitment issues, or is pressured/forced into sexual acts does not comprise Fatuous love, and instead tends more to Empty love.
  • Consummate love is the complete form of love, representing an ideal relationship toward which people strive. Of the seven varieties of love, consummate love is theorized to be that love associated with the “perfect couple”. According to Sternberg, such couples will continue to have great sex fifteen years or more into the relationship, they can not imagine themselves happy over the long-term with anyone else, they overcome their few difficulties gracefully, and each delight in the relationship with one other.[1] However, Sternberg cautions that maintaining a consummate love may be even harder than achieving it. He stresses the importance of translating the components of love into action. "Without expression," he warns, "even the greatest of loves can die" (1987, p. 341). Thus, consummate love may not be permanent. If passion is lost over time, it may change into companionate love.
Read the rest here. And then leave your thoughts in the comments.

Friday, March 26, 2010

A-List

I figured I would share my "A-List" with you all since I've mentioned it like three times already. The A-List is a list of all the qualities I, Lady Blue desire in a significant other. After this, you'll probably see how my pickiness translates into singlehood. But truthfully, if I can't get at least 80% of this, I'm happy with that inevitable conclusion. Plus, I know that I'm a phenomenal catch and firmly believe that I deserve the same, so settling is not in the cards for me. [I'm not including things like attraction and chemistry, trust and respect, honesty and loyalty or monogamy and commitment, because those should be a given.]

 Ahem. The A-list ladies and gents:
  • He needs to be intelligent, verging on brilliant almost [this is not negotiable!!!] I like when a man is logical, realistic, and can speak another language [or three]!
  • Dark hair and dark eyes. It's what I've always been attracted to and I don't see it changing anytime soon, but this is not set in stone.
  • Presentable and well groomed. I prefer a guy who's stylish, but that means different things to different people and it's one of the things I'm willing to settle on if everything else is on point. I like a guy who's at the barbershop every week or as often as he needs to be to be lookin' sharp. I feel like girls do so much to look good, so me requesting a haircut and some cologne shouldn't really be a problem. Speaking of haircuts, I strongly prefer a low cut caesar or a buzz cut [almost bald] hair. I'm not down with gargoyle feet, bad skin, yellow eyes, fuzzy hair, dry hands, B.O., crusty lips, flab and bad teeth.
  • Doesn't have to be funny but should think that I am.
  • At least 5'8, no taller than 6'4 [there is such a thing as too little or too much, and this is one of those instances].
  • Slim but toned/muscular [I'm not attracted to skinny/out of shape/fat guys].
  • No kids [I don't have any and I don't want an insta-family, nor do I want baby mama drama]. This may change as I get older and exceptions may be made if the kid's mother is dead. I'm just sayin.
  • Drug free [this includes weed but not alcohol]. It's the way to be. I want someone who takes care of his body and knows how to manage life's ups and downs without having to resort to getting high or drunk. Man up!
  • Independent [I want someone driven and motivated who is living on his own and making his own money].
  • Urban and semi-cultured. I also like him to have good taste. He should be charming and know some things about the world and how it works. My most immediate turnoff is someone who's an uber cornball. I like a little edge to a guy, a gritty little bit of city dirt in him. [I've always had a thing for the sexy hood guys decked out in NY Yankee fitteds, leather jackets, and swag for daysss. With that being said, I don't think I could realistically be with a guy like this. It's like a guy who fucks models for fun, but ends up settling down with the girl next door.]
  • Mature [I don't care if he's older or not but bottom line, Lady Blue does not like to babysit, hold hands or walk boys through life]. He needs to be mentally and emotionally strong because I most certainly am, and I have no interest in wearing the pants in our relationship.
  • Rhythm. This one is petty for a lot of people but it's very important to me because I love to dance. I don't wanna be at a party sitting in the corner because my man can't/wont dance and I'm not allowed to dance with anyone else.
  • Passionate, in life and in love, nuff said. Be excited about living, seeing and doing new things and most of all, the prospect of seeing me naked.
  • Confident. If he has all the above but lacks confidence, it will be a tough sell. This is the clincher. Too much confidence and you're annoying, too little and you're a charity case. And just the right amount for Lady Blue to melt.
And here are some things that don't really matter to me:
  • Race/ethnicity/nationality is not an issue for me. I've dated Black, Hispanic, Greek, Filipino, Brazilian and plenty mixed race men. Although, the tanner/darker, the better.
  • His job title.
  • How many girls he's been with.
  • If he has female friends or is friends with an ex. Keyword, friends. I am not stupid.
  • Talkative. He doesn't need to be chatty or a fabulous conversationalist as long as he knows how to communicate and listen.
  • Tattoos although I prefer spare and not gaudy; and piercings although eyebrow, nose and bellybutton should be a no go on my guy. Earrings are okay, just no hoops. Please Rodman!
  • I don't care if he's religious as long as he doesn't care that I'm not.
  • Age isn't a huge deal - but let's not get crazy.
  • His hobbies. As long as it's nothing dangerous, perverted or extra weird, I'm fine.
  • If he's missing an arm or a leg. Seriously.
And that's it for the A-List, I think.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Snippet II

It seems I'm unable to escape my 2 month mark of death regarding relationships and my last was no different. Although he had endearing qualities, he had his share of decidedly bothersome qualities [a nicotine habit, a temper and a complete lack of passion], and that on top of my A-List necessities in a man ultimately led the relationship to its natural death. [And I've been see-sawing with the crush I had before him since he's a narcissistic whore, but I'll delve into that a little deeper later.] Not that I'm looking but, is it so hard to find an intelligent and driven, charming and stylish, honest and urban-esque man in NYC? Somewhere, a chorus says yes.

And somewhere another set of angels sing Hallelujah in celebration of my single-hood. It is truly a wonderful thing, and after every guy I question why I jeopardize it. I'm learning to take my time and really listen to my gut. Not everyone deserves my kindness, time, or 24kt kisses that's for sure. Oh, and regarding second chances... I'm learning to just let people burn in hell the first time. I am not about wasting time anymore, I'm soon to be 22, time is a tickin okay?!
 
A few months ago, I decided to embark on a new adventure. After being a shopgirl and nanny, I have moved into a new career. I'll be working as a real estate agent. Funny, considering all my mishaps with roommates, apartments, and various real estate agents themselves, but I think this is a job that seems suited for my personality. Plus, it wouldn't hurt to make some real bank, I'm getting to that age you know. I started at a midtown firm on Monday, and because I want to keep my job, that is all I will say.

I went to the DMV to finally get a New York State ID [I had been using my Idaho one all this time - don't ask]  and I made sure to get as naturally prettied up as I could so it wouldn't be a wreck. All that just to blink once she took the picture. No countdown, no warning, just "look into the camera". What an asshole. Now I'm not positive that I blinked, but I'm sure of it. I'll wait till I get the ID in the mail to tell. And if it looks terrible, I will continue using that Idaho ID! No shame! At least I just look chubby in that one.

Summer is coming... yay!!! It's my favorite season, and it always conjures up thoughts of leisure and happiness, although I can't remember the last fun summer I had since the one time I went to D.R. [the Dominican Republic] when I was 9 and even that was slightly dreadful. I don't do El Campo folks! I am a snob, and I am proud.

And that's all for now!

Monday, March 15, 2010

Confidence


Confident people... The dying breed.

For a long time I've been intrigued by the fact that some people are visibly arrogant, while others have a self esteem lower than Antarctica. [You know, the ones where everything seems to cut deep and leave a lasting impression?]

I like to think I fall right in between. Confident enough to stand on my own two feet and not give a hoot what people have to say about it, yet humble enough to relate to others and know that self-improvement is never-ending.

Now what creates a confident, self assured individual in a world that seems to encourage anything but? I have pinpointed a few characteristics that I think are essential and have been very apparent in most of the many different shades of confident people I've encountered.

Confident people are usually very realistic. Real confidence isn't fake or based on false pretenses or petty attributes you see - that's what makes it real. Confident people see things for what they truly are and not what they wish them to be and that allows them to make honest, actual assessments of themselves, the world and others. Confident people realize that they may be not be a dime [for those out of the know, that would mean a perfect 10] but at the end of the day they know they can either sit around and mope about it or accept it and rock the shit out of it. Just ask Ronnie. He rocks that shit outtt.


Confident people are usually very assured in their abilities and usually know that they are one of the best, if not the actual best in what they do/are skilled at. For example, I know I'm a good dancer and a good writer. I know I have great social skills since I'm very adaptable, and I know I'm the smartest as well as the skinniest bitch in New York. These things let me sleep comfortably at night. Lady Gaga knows she makes catchy tunes and is a fantastic lay. I suggest you find things that you're ace at as well, and then own that shit!

Confident people usually don't have difficulty standing alone on an issue or defending their viewpoint. It is not uncommon for a confident individual to defiantly maintain their position no matter who disagrees or what occurs. Even in situations where the confident individual is swayed, it's usually temporary and they find themselves right back in the position that speaks to their heart.

Confident folks don't pay much attention to debbie downers, naysayers, jealous janes, negative ass trolls. The reality is this, people judge others harshly, it has been this way since all time forever. For this reason alone, you can be idolized one day and be disgraced the next. Fuck those hoes! They need to get hobbies and stop exercising jealousy (because from what I heard, it's quite the mental workout). I go with my gut (or context clues) when it comes to deciphering the sincerity of compliments. Anyway, I'm saying all this to say that people's words and opinions and blah blah blahs should be taken with a grain of salt. A huge one.

Unless, of course, you've read it here.

There's lots to be learned from confident people; such as how to be a good speaker, how to pick yourself up from life's inevitable lows and most importantly, how to walk with some serious swag. All these things are vital and ultimately easier to pull off when you're naturally sure of yourself.

Remember to be smart, and if you're not dripping with cool just yet, then fake it till you make it!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Family

I grew up in a broken family.

My parents divorced before I can remember, and my sisters went to live with my father, meanwhile my brother and I stayed behind with my mother. Despite us living apart, my siblings and I banded together as best we could, a foursome united against the pair that bred us. [My parents were selfish, ignorant and neglectful, particularly my mother, so it was only natural.]

Of course, as you know, we all grow up. And time leads us all down different paths. I watched my siblings transform, as they all moved on into the world, started romantic relationships, got married, had children. I moved away to a new city, learned all about a new life, and when they finally saw me after months apart, they saw that I had transformed too.

Some people would say there are 3 types of family:
  1. The family you're born into.
  2. The family you marry into and/or birth.
  3. The family you befriend.
What does family really mean? Here are some definitions I found helpful:
  • A basic unit in society.
  • A group of persons of common ancestry usually living under one roof and under one head.
  • People you love who love you back, you trust them and they trust you, and they take care of you and you take care of them.
And my favorite:
  • The one thing in life you can never change and usually the one thing you want to the most. [Gotta love urban dictionary!]
I left my Mom's house when I was 17, and moved to New York City a year later. I have been on my own ever since. [I mean that in every sense of the word. It is exhilarating and absolutely frightening, but I'm digressing here so...] I didn't talk to my mother for nearly two years, and when I did let her back into my life, I quickly saw that she was still ugly.A few months later, she spat out an all too familiar venom, and I decided that I was done with her for good.

I was very close to my eldest sister growing up, and all that changed rather quickly when she began a serious courtship and eventually married. Right now our differences lie in religion, in age, in opinion. My intense admiration for her has waned, as I assume things like that naturally do. I will always hold her in high regard for everything she has done for me, and for the loving attention she once paid, but I might always question why it changed.

I was also very close to my brother as a kid. We shared a household after all, and it was just icing on the cake that we gelled pretty well. Like my sister who is 9 years my senior, my brother [who is 6 years my senior] would take me everywhere with him [and let's face it, there was rarely a babysitter and I was a pretty well-behaved kid]. Again our bond fell to the wayside once he began dating. He hasn't made the wisest choice in a romantic partner which has caused remarkable issues for our already strained relationship [as well as the relationship he had with my sisters].

[If you're wondering why I left out tales about my other sister, it's because I don't really have any. We were never particularly close, nor do I remember us spending much time together during my formative years.]

It comes down to the fact that our family is not the same. The one element that I as a child relied on for stability is now on rocky ground. We are no longer super tight, heck we can't even sit in the same room without my noticing the tinge of tension. There are mixed feelings between all of us for all of us. My eldest sister seems to disapprove of what the rest of us are doing with ourselves, whereas my brother is solely concerned with his mate and his children, meanwhile my other sister seems to be wishing for a Brady Bunch style camaraderie.

I'm not entirely sure what I think. Perhaps I know that for us to get to this place of zen, lots of difficult discussions will have to be had. I don't know if I [or any of us for that matter] am ready for that. But there's one thing I know for sure. Real family is loving, loyal, self-less and has little to do with sharing the same DNA or ancestry - and you shouldn't let anyone tell you otherwise.