Thursday, July 8, 2010

What it is about Men

I've gotten a few requests to make this blog a bit more personal. ‘You’re too vague’ they say. ‘Why don't you write about this or that’ they say. So okay, I'll get personal. I'll get real personal.

I'm so tired of shutting dudes down.

Seriously. It’s tiring. Especially since the list of never ever's stretches from here till infinity.

YOU try coming up with 101 creative ways to say "You're too out of shape" [aka "Not even if you had a six pack"] or "You're dull" [ahem, "You're as intriguing as a bible."] or "You're not smart enough" ["You make Tyra Banks look like President of Mensa."]

Yes those have been actual reasons. Yes I am easily and sometimes suddenly turned off. But all the better! Lest we waste less of my time and theirs. This is why I often prefer to approach men versus standing around waiting to be approached. The kinds of men who find me attractive span all sorts of races and ages and intelligence levels. The issue is that they approach me solely based on "Hmm she's pretty" and that's their only criteria. That's some shitty, baseless criteria. Most people aren't even aware of what they're looking for let alone what they like. I, on the other hand, am aware of what I want and need and therefore strongly prefer to do the picking and choosing. All the men who have “chose" me... well… I’m single aren’t I?

I don't often do any scouting because I'm not looking to necessarily pursue anything but sometimes it just can't be helped. Sometimes a guy catches my eye and I throw caution to the wind, two-step and get my swerve on. You know?

Oh and yes, I am that girl. The girl who isn’t interested in even dating guys that don’t match what she seeks in a life partner. Dating isn’t fun, why put myself through all that just for some “fun” company? To see what happens? GTFO. I am also the girl that doesn’t know how to flirt. I have a much easier time engaging in jovial conversation with someone I can see myself being friends with, versus someone I either really like or really don’t - in both cases I clam up... But in one case I'm smiling cutely and in the other I’m mentally wincing.


In case you're not familiar with my current love-related mantra, it is this: I'm not looking for a relationship right now – an easy stance to uphold since decent options are very much limited [and let’s not forget, freedom is bliss] -- but I’ll be damned if I let a man who has all the dos and very little of the donts slip through my fingers! Translation: On the off chance that I come across a keeper, I'd be more than willing to snatch him up and make it work. Absolutely. I am not naïve or arrogant enough to believe that there will always be an abundance of great men lurking around the corner for me - there comes a point where all that dies down, when people start getting married or at least settling down, when dudes begin to have the upper hand versus what's happening now in my 20s, when women do. [Yes I've been reading Lori Gottlieb's book. Although some of Marry Him... was big on scare tactics, you'll find some of the points I did agree with reflected in this here entry.]

The fact remains that even if I'm a gorgeous, youthful looking 35 year old - the pickings [especially for single men around that age] - will be very slim. And this is the part where I gasp in horror, "You mean slimmer than they already are?!?!" [*Cue bloodcurdling scream] Yes darling, yes. Slim like my genetically blessed thighs even after a serving of cheesecake.

If you haven't already noticed, relationships [I use this word as an all encompassing one] in my life are very transient. It's usually just a few weeks before someone seemingly noteworthy becomes the last person I want to kick it with. This applies to people I'm even getting to know platonically [which is everybody, or at least it should be in the beginning]. As my associate [whose last name translates to Bad Pussy - I'm not even kidding here] so eloquently put it, "You meet someone amazing and then some shit comes out that makes you not wanna get involved". STORY. OF. MY. LIFE. End scene.

Apparently this is also the story of just about every damn body else on planet earth. But this isn't about them. It isn't even about you. It's about me.


This is how the fish in the sea look to me: the majority of men are just not going to work, period [too old, too young, too ugly, too uncouth, too fucked up, too much baggage, has pets, wears flip flops]. Then there's a small percentage that are the ehh maybe types where I'm not totally diggin it but I trick myself into thinking that with just a little tweaking, they might work out [FYI they usually don't - see: all of my two-month ex boyfriends]. And then there's an even smaller percentage of men [I'd say one out of every 75 guys I meet -- I'm getting better at spotting them!] who intrigue me and excite me all at once because omg! not only does he match my A-List so wonderfully but it’s like he wrote the shit himself! Holler! The problem with the assholes gentlemen in this category is that they're interested, but they're never really invested. They're available, but they're not truly free. They're hot but they also know it. Hence our issues. [Luckily none of this human behavior comes as a surprise to me.]

Also, as a woman who fancies herself a fine catch, I tend to be attracted to men who seem to have it all: good looks, intelligence, ambition, passion. Men who have it all seem to also share another quality... the desire to acquire the best woman available, thereby making most of them maximizers - people who are never totally satisfied with what or whom they have because they believe something better exists. These people will drop a good thing in hopes or in “certainty” that they'll find better.

A "maximizer" in action.

Am I a maximizer do you ask? Only in the cases when I dated men who weren't good enough [see: my whole dating history]. But do I know a good thing when I see it? Yes. And I know better than to muck up a good thing.

That is if I ever find a good thing.

But I'm ranting and raving about all this blah blah bullshit when according to one man, I'm nothing but a heartless golddigger. Which is why I pour my heart out on the daily and pay my own bills and have numerous gigs and live in Queens and all that jazz.

And I quote: "I know what you're about - You would steal a man’s heart and money then help him look for it." High five to him because I had to think about that one!

I cackled to high heaven after hearing that -- so I guess I am a triflin' friend indeed.

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