Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Fears

I wrote this a few days ago, and although it doesn't represent what I'm feeling in this exact moment, it's an accurate account of the fear that sometimes creeps in. *Cue Sarah McLachlan's "Fear"*

Time flies. And the truth is, even if just a little bit, that scares me.

I'm going to be 23 in 6 months and I just feel like, oh my god my twenties are flying. It doesn't help when every other person woman you meet is like "If I could be your age again..."

I live with this constant, subtle fear of not doing enough with my time, not pushing, exploring, feeling, experiencing enough.

I want to live, and live a full life.

And by so many accounts I do... I've worked hard and I've carved out something great and special for myself in this city. I really do live a charmed life and despite the irregular occurrence of gnats and scrapes, each year it has only gotten more splendid.

But is it normal to constantly crave more? A guy I once knew told me that it seems like I'm never satisfied. I fear that there's truth in that as well.

You guys know the drill, you know my dreams, my goals, my desires, I talk about them here all the time. Some are simple, some are grand - and all are possible.

And I know I play with possibility... but I think sometimes I get caught up in the details, I get caught up in my feelings, I get caught up in my head. And worst of all, I worry.

I worry that I won't achieve my version of greatness. I worry that my corner of fulfillment will be swept away somehow.

And that, my friends, is what ends up stopping my efforts.

The crippling fear of, what if this doesn't work out?

Also my self-diagnosed ADD.

But I digress.

Maybe I need therapy.

Or maybe I need to get a fucking grip, realize it's all in my head and push go muthafucka!

I'm heavily leaning towards the latter.

Pain for my sham friends, and champagne for my real friends. [25th Hour!] And to my ambitious comrades? I'll see y'all at the top where the gettin looks good, and our current worries will be replaced by diamond encrusted ones.

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Be succinct and keep it classy :)