Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Understanding


I had a moment with someone tonight. It was late, I was hungry so I got off the train and walked into this Mexican taco shop before heading home. It was completely empty, but as I looked around, I spotted a man sitting in the corner with his head in his hands. I said hello, seemingly startling him. I asked if the restaurant was open and he said yes and immediately stood to his feet. He washed his hands, and asked me what I wanted. I immediately noticed that something was way off. He was either drunk or really consumed by emotion because his words were rushed and slightly unintelligible. I told him I wanted a quesadilla and he nodded but then seemed to drift off into a daze. He ignored my request and instead started talking in circles: he'd been in the shop since 10am [if so, he'd been there 12 hrs], how he was the only one in the store all day, how he had no wife or kids at home and no family here in the States. I couldn't tell if he wanted to punch something or cry uncontrollably. Bewildered, I encouraged him to cancel my order; "Never mind," I smiled, and then hightailed it home as fast as possible, embarrassed at myself for feeling fear at his desperation.

But three hours later, as I found myself in bed with big fat tears streaming down my face, I realized that his heartfelt woes had conjured familiar feelings in me. It has been years since I have been around or felt any genuine love from another person. Dare I say, nearly a decade.  I find that the lack of love in my life - the deprivation of truly believing that someone cares - is taking a toll on me. And this has little to do with feeling empty and unfulfilled and more to do with the sheer absence of a real human need. I constantly feel stressed, anxious and overwhelmed. I often feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I feel alone. I am alone. And though most of the time I'm okay with that reality, I have moments where it feels like I'm crumbling because of it. I have those moments once in a blue during that time of the month where I feel low. Pure rock bottom, true emotional depravity. And there is no one to hug me and say "It will be okay, because I'm here for you." As a matter of fact, I can't even remember the last time I hugged anyone at all. This isn't a cry for help, this is real life. And I'm speaking for every single person out there who feels this same way: you, me, the man at the taco shop.

I wish I'd had the courage to hug him and say "Don't worry. It will be okay."

But I didn't.

All I could do later, in the silence of my sadness, was understand.

1 comment:

  1. don't worry, it will be okay. i promise. *hug*



    "If you don't have any shadows, then you're not standing in the light."

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