Tuesday, June 26, 2012

No Filter

You know what I'm sick of? I'm sick of feeling tired. My emotional and mental exhaustion has caused sore spots that I can feel all over my body, a dull ache in the pit of my stomach, a pain in my heart and a fog that's clouding my mind.

I'm tired of mustering up the courage to say what I really feel, only for you to not hear me, dismiss me, tell me that I'm not being positive enough, that I'm not focusing on the right things, that if I just hope/stay happy/do the work... things will get better. Newflash, this isn't a fairytale. Oftentimes, things don't get better on their own and it would help all of us if you would just acknowledge that and act accordingly. In the midst of my frustration and ongoing in vain efforts, the only thing your inspirational advice makes me wanna do is put a bullet in your head.

I'm tired of “friends” never ever being there, tired of people wasting my time and my energy, depleting MY resources only to completely turn away whenever I need them. I'm tired of acquaintances wanting to ride the wave of yet another opportunity that I created, only contacting me when things are good, offering nothing but a barely attentive ear when things are not. I'm tired of girls passive aggression, their “I'm so happy for you”s cloaked in jealousy, ill will and resentment. I'm tired of guys wanting nothing more than to fuck me and disappearing the second they see their efforts are futile. I'm tired of people attempting to strip me of my brilliance and talent – trying to make me feel like I'm not good enough for the good graces that befall many others everyday.

I'm tired of being fair and positive and forward-moving. I'm tired of working and giving and making an effort only to get NOTHING back. I'm tired of not being met halfway, I'm tired of god and the universe and faith. I'm tired of feeling like I need to be a robot with no capacity to feel.

I'm tired of you - all of you - taking me for granted on a continuous basis, and I'm tired of your audacity to think I owe you a god damned thing. I'm tired of money holding me back and I'm tired of people acting like you can make moves without it.

I'm tired of feeling like it's taboo to express feelings like this. I'm tired of being made to feel like an out-of-control weirdo for feeling like this, and I'm tired of others pretending like they've never experienced this madness before. I'm tired of your two cents, your faux well wishes, and your “help”. If you really wanted to help... you would've wrote me a check and shut the fuck up.

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2 comments:

  1. Wow....amen......I feel every word you wrote...shit I have been tired too...and when u say something people try and say your being depressing no I'm being realistic and not stuck in denial...I know hardships and all the b.s. and obtacles out there...so I feel u and I agree on being tired.... but keep speaking the truth even though many can't handle it ....open there eyes..and do u..if I could write u a check I would lol

    ReplyDelete

Be succinct and keep it classy :)