Friday, October 26, 2012

You gon get this werq

"All the magic I have ever known I have had to make myself..." - Lady Blue

Somehow I'd forgotten that I'm a muthaf*ckin magic maker. Listening to my first mind has been leading me in great directions, places full of possibility, opportunity and wonder; pockets of life that I always knew existed, but ones I was never fully sure how to find. 

My OKCupid profile has garnered lots of attention in the mere week I've had it up, but no one had caught my interest enough to seriously reply. Just as I was about to blog and lament over how bored/hopeless I was beginning to feel, my eye was immediately drawn to a tall [very tall - he's 6'4], strikingly gorgeous and stylish young man, who described himself as an "Individualist" and seemed like he possessed an artistic soul. Of course I was all ! GREEN LIGHT ! because I've always been a sucker for that je ne sais quoi, x-factor type quality that is as rare to find as it sounds. So when I do come across it I gush... and then I pounce. So I was all "Individualist, meet Anomaly", and he was all, "How would you like to get further acquainted?" and I was all "Fuck yeah! A bitch still got it!" We have talked every night this week for hours, and as long as it remains smooth and blissful, you'll see no slander here regarding him.

I met for coffee with a serious bibliophile today, someone who I'd probably never befriend in real life but was connected with through the power of the internet. He was literally, the third white man I have ever carried a conversation with in my life [crazy, huh?], and I was pleased that it went so well. He also mentioned that he reads and really enjoys my blog, and it confirmed my belief that my work does indeed appeal to all kinds of people. I'll be giving him writing assignments and critiquing his work, which makes me an Editor as of - today. [Yay!]

Someone left a comment inquiring about what's going on with the fashion company I kept mentioning on twitter. Well, I actually have a few options on my table right now... I'm in talks with a new client to potentially helm her fashion line, and I'm frequently in touch with the designer of the aforementioned line [whose pieces are edgy and bomb - at least according to the sneak peek I got]. All these collaborations take time you see... and when the projects finally bloom, I can guarantee that BlueShame.com will be the first blog to know. And for the especially nosy, be aware that all of my official dealings and endeavors are fully catalogued here. [For those inquiring about Elle B. Consulting - my services are being fine-tuned. A relaunch is happening very soon!]

Speaking of projects... I'm filming next month. Don't ask me for what, because I'm not totally sure just yet, but keep an eye on that youtube account because juicy things are coming! A bitch trynna get famous, you see. [I didn't get that 'Notorious' necklace made a few years ago for nuthin!]

I have always wanted love/support and a fulfilling career, but I think now is the first time that I'm making a real, conscious effort to attain those things. By conscious, I mean that I'm paying attention, I'm not passively letting losers into my life because I think it's the best I can do or taking jobs "just for the money" or letting others write my life's rules. I'm laser focused on what I want, probably because I spent more time than I'd like to admit figuring out what I didn't want.

And I'm especially glad I made it a point to diversify my options and finally pursue my passions because after this Dominican nanny killed them two kids on the Upper West Side [and my personal nanny fiasco earlier this year], I don't have a shot in hell of getting hired to do that job again. But besides all that nonsense, it's just time. I'm 24 years old... Exactly 31 weeks and 1 day from my EPIC 25th birthday [which is on a Saturday next year!], and the countdown is all too real.

It's an exciting time my friends! I'm glad you're all here to share in this life-changing journey.

P.S. - How did I go from a down in the dumps funk to motivated, energized and excited?

Well, I remembered my extraordinary abilities [ie: my writing and other innate talents], I remembered that I had power ["When you feel like you can't go any further, just know that the strength that carried you this far will take you the rest of the way"] and I got reacquainted with my imagination and my literal and figurative dreams [the latter being something I hadn't done since I was an overeager teenager].

I'd fallen into the grave to begin with because disappointment had hit me tenfold, and that bummer from disappointment became discouragement - which then morphed into deep anger at what I felt were injustices in my life. I had let it all get to me [mistake #1!!!], and although I knew I would arise from the ashes eventually... I wasn't entirely sure when that would be. I snapped out of my funk much quicker than I'd intended to due to intense motivation and nagging from The Gentleman back in August. At the time, it was so overwhelming that it felt like water-boarding [it's still a sore spot for me], but him telling me I was a "fuck up" was the catalyst I'd apparently needed to stand up, regain my strength and prove him wrong. My friends and family are grateful for it.

And in some bittersweet way... so am I.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Your problem with other people is YOU


I'm tired of meeting people who make me feel like I need to go through hell and high water to get to know them. I'm well aware that most people “ain't shit”, as I've dealt with my fair share of them. [Ain't Shit Folks = individuals who are self-centered, dangerous, unreliable, disrespectful and wildly delusional – to name a few.] But as one of the rare “worth a damn” people out there, I hate having to come in and clean up the mess from the last guy or girl – so I choose not to do it anymore. It’s such an immediate turnoff now anyway. The Daily Love says “Go where the love is”, so I'm doing just that. [This is not a relationship specific topic, as this issue has arisen in a variety of my friendships as well.]


Fuck all you walls up, hands in the fighting position, impossibly high expectation having, jaded motherfucks - hear it from me first: you’re not worth it. [Don't get me wrong, everyone is worth an effort, but not all that extra shit. Who do you think you are anyway?] My only message to the jaded set is: You've been hurt? Newsflash, we've all been there. Now get the fuck up, brush yourself off and stop crying you weakling!

I'm here to announce that your problem with other people is actually... 
YOURSELF.

I know you're probably gasping and clutching your pearls, and some of you extra closed types probably wanna curse me out. But the reason why it's getting to you is because you know that I’m right. Heck, I wasn't too receptive to this idea either, as it seems to place all the blame on the victim and not the perpetrator... but since the only vehicle we are driving is our own, it makes sense that we're in charge of paying our own tickets when we fuck up. This was a lesson that I recently [and begrudgingly] learned myself.

First, recognize and accept three things:

You are the one who decides who you let into your life. You are the master of your domain, the guard at the gate. You are human and you are gifted with something called intuition, a gut feeling, your first mind. Did you know that by using this gift as a guide, you can choose to let people in or keep them out?! Now this doesn't mean you should be rude and ignore someone who says 'Hello’ because you're making an effort to screen and filter people, but it does mean that when the uninteresting party asks for your number or to take things further, you can smile and say “I'm flattered, but I'm not available.”

You can't change anybody –individuals can only change themselves – and usually only after some tumultuous shit goes down. Why? People are hard-headed and often stuck in their ways due to fear or ingrained habits. Do not let someone into your life thinking that with your magic touch, they will change. This is not likely to happen. [I don't understand where anyone gets off thinking that they can change someone. Why do people – especially women – think this? These are not children you are trying to mold – these are adults, with their own experiences, perspectives and histories. Let's toss out the notion of changing others completely, because it is false false false.]

Your fears will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. For example, if you don't trust anyone at work, then you will behave in a manner that corresponds with how you feel. If you don't trust someone it means you don't value them, and how do people treat things they don’t value? How do you treat something you consider garbage, useless or unnecessary? You disregard or toss it because it’s inconsequential right? That's how you will treat your co-workers, and they will respond to your dismissive behavior - most likely unfavorably - proving your worst fears “correct”: that people ain't shit. When in fact, if you had gone into the workplace with a clear head and no preconceived notions, the outcome would undoubtedly be different.

When you say:

“I don't trust people. Everyone is shady. People always have ulterior motives. I am very guarded. People have made me put walls up. People always want something from me. People abused me. People hurt me. People betrayed me. I can't get over the way people treated me. I will never forgive this person. Everyone's out to get me.”

What you really mean is:

“I don't trust my own judgment. I am not in touch with my gut/intuition. I don't know how to tell the difference between a beneficial relationship or a detrimental relationship. I am emotionally retarded. I like to experience things the hard way. I think I can change this person. I like to sabotage my peace and happiness. I refuse to learn. I'm looking for perfection not a human.”

The truth is, if you trust your intuition, you will be able to tell who is trustworthy or not by just paying attention to what they say and do. Even if you aren't sure immediately, know that these things come to light eventually. “When you see a red flag, it's probably good idea to stop.” - The Daily Love. If you're not in tune with yourself, you'll paint everyone with the same brush – you'll get what you're looking for from some [while falsely accusing others] - and end up disappointed, hurt and lonely every. single. time.

I'll use myself as an example. I was in a deep funk this Spring/Summer, which was brought on by various disappointments and various shady characters. It got to the point where I hated the world and practically every person alive in it. But after emerging from the cloudy haze, I realized that some of those situations could have been avoided if I hadn't been so desperate and if I had only heeded the clues. Here is what went down with two of the aforementioned shady individuals:

In April, I took a job as a nanny for a seemingly laid-back couple on the Upper East Side. They had just moved from San Francisco and seemed fair, hip and sane. The Mom [aka "The Defendant" for the purposes of this story] was talkative, if a little nervous-seeming during the training week, but otherwise cool. It wasn’t until she went to work and I was alone with her baby that she started acting cunty. [Not to mention the child was a nightmare – she cried for hours and her voice was so hoarse from screaming that I seriously thought she was ill.] The baby was 3 months old but looked double her age, and the only thing she wanted [and that soothed her non-stop wailing] was her bottle. I felt so uncomfortable feeding this already huge baby all day long, but her parents insisted I give her what she wanted. I wasn't comfortable with most of their parenting techniques and found a lot of their mandates to be excessive, unnecessary and even harmful. Four days into the job, I walked out and let the defendant know I wouldn't be returning, after one particularly inappropriate display of behavior from her. [She came home and began to bark at me about some made-up neglect that never ever happened - check the building cameras!]. A few days later, I notice the culprit behind the mass “So-and-so has declined your application” emails I'd been receiving: a “review” by the Mother accusing me of monetary greed and child abuse. I was appalled, stunned, furious. And after I picked my jaw up off the floor, I sent her this: 

I had every intention to sue her for attempting to ruin my spotless record. I had scheduled an appointment with a lawyer, but gave the defendant one last chance to rectify the situation before her daughter's college fund ended up in my pocket. The review was removed right after I notified her and her husband of my plans.
In hindsight: The mother seemed cold, detached and disinterested throughout the initial interview, and super vigilant during the trial period. Not to mention, I was actually her second fucking choice for a nanny – her first choice had 'chosen another family', and her very first nanny didn't work out, making me this family's third nanny in only 6 week. Scary.

This summer, I sublet my apartment to a kid I barely knew but who seemed safe enough. The whole thing kinda fell apart and he ended up staying for one month instead of the original two, both of us sharing my tight space because there wasn't enough money to go around. Even after everything blew up in my face and I was no longer able to go to Miami, I still gave him a discount on his rent. He was mildly irritating and laughably judgmental here and there, but we got along well enough. Well, all it took was his security deposit being one week late for his immature and reckless side to come out in all its glory. I got texts from him displaying the sass and attitude you’d expect from Honey Boo Boo, and not too long after, he posted an ad soliciting sex on craigslist along with my picture, twitter handle, number and hometown. I knew it was him because unbeknownst to his stupid ass, only three people have that delicate combination of my personal information – and he was the only one out of the trio who had something against me. Thanks to him breaching our contract and making threats to me online, my debt to him has vanished into thin air, and I've obtained an actionable restraining order.
In hindsight: I had always found this kid to be erratic and highly annoying. He would often IM me out of nowhere, ask me a bizarre question and then sign off almost as quick as he had popped up. He thought he was sooo witty and sooo intellectually advanced, but he wasn't. He's a young dummy who'll go to jail if he even dares say another word to me.

And let's not even count the amount of guys who told me “I'm not looking for a relationship” within the first 24 hours, yet my lust-struck ass always stuck around for a few more weeks anyway. Or the countless insecure female friends who secretly seethed every time they saw me, and lashed out [consequentially ending the "friendship"] the first chance that they got. [People who are "guarded" are so paranoid that they will attack before they are attacked, you understand?]

The lesson here? Listen to your intuition about people, follow it, and never mind what the person in question will think about it. If you are wrong, you can always say sorry and return. But if you are right, your first mind will lead you away from the rats and the snakes and save you much heartache and drama in the meantime. Go where the open hearts are and don't bother knocking on locked doors. Misery deserves no company.