What my 2015 is going to look like: Visual Version

 "One More" Elliphant ft. MØ

I heard this lovely little tune on spotify, and then just had to find the video. Needless to say, I am very pleased. I'm a sucker for a funky sound, unexpected personalities, and a woman with swag. Halfway into the video, I realized that the visuals reminded me of something... and that something is/are my plans for next year... which include utter badassness, and world domination, starting with Europe, of course. So here's the checklist for your giggling pleasure. [And if you're in London, Paris or Berlin - shoot me an email.]

My plans for 2015:

• Visiting/Living in Europe ✓
• Europe... period ✓
• Plenty of public dancing [see 1:24]✓
• Being rambunctious with friends ✓
• Being driven around like the Queen I am ✓
• Paying attention to the signs in the universe [the cuter girl and the far better dancer in this video - who I decided is basically me - is named Elliphant, a homonym for my favorite animal: Elephant.]
• Speaking of homos... Lady homos? Oh yes, also. Thank you.
• Making figurative music and perhaps literal, depending how much time I have.
• Fine tuning my rap skills. There's nothing stopping me from being 2015's Lumidee/Nina Sky. Give it up for the Latina one hit wonder!
• Simultaneously hollering things like such as "Stay with me tonight!" and "I'VE GOT MONEY!" whilst shimmying in my blue camo jacket. Now I don't have a blue camo jacket, but I DO have these spectacular 3.1 Phillip Lim Camo Pants. Which are silk.

Goodbye bitches and HELLOOO 2015!!!

Don't forget to be great!!!

On goals, youth, aging and rebuking my type A timeline bullshit

These two are flawless as fuck.

A few days ago, my eldest sister gave me the “You're getting older, time to start getting serious” talk. My jaw practically fell to the floor, because A) I couldn't believe this ageist bullshit and B) I'd been nothing BUT serious for my entire adult life. I spent the bulk of my early 20s struggling to get on my own two feet, and when I wasn't doing that, I was stressing myself out just thinking about it. I lost 10 pounds within the first month of moving to New York City, and I've never gotten that weight back.

I'll admit I had a mental timeline for myself, imposed not by family or peer pressure, but my own teenage fantasies of what I wanted my adult life to be like. I had a handful of goals I wanted to accomplish by age 25, and I did. Some of those achievements felt right, they made me feel like I had snapped the correct puzzle pieces into place. I had moved to the right city, I had my own space, I had the right look (and the courage in which to present it), I had the right temperament, I had no boss. But some of my achievements rang hollow... they didn't make me feel accomplished and great, but they didn't make me feel bad either. The accomplishments that did nothing for me were lessons. I learned that money, while great, isn't as fun if your connections are weak and your friends are broke. I learned that a physically gorgeous man who loves you is nothing when he doesn't really mean it, when he doesn't see who you are beyond your physical shell. These scenarios were epiphanies about value... the true value of riches, and the value of truly being valued.

After my birthday in early June, I began to feel a bit lost. All of my goals had been reached in one form or another, and my mind was constantly buzzing with the question “What's next?!” I started to wonder why I hadn't planned anything past the age of 25, did I not think I was going to live past that age? Did I assume that looking good and feeling good and living in NYC would be enough to skyrocket me into the rest of adulthood? I started to think about the only premonition I had left for my twenties. I always had a sense that around age 27 something major – love-wise - would happen to me. I imagined a marriage, an engagement, a whirlwind yet built to last romance, and felt 'sure', the way you feel when your gut is positive about something. But that's a year from now and I can't tell if I'm closer to that outcome than ever or even farther away. I started to oscillate between settling down and firing up. Heck, I only have a handful of years til I'm 30... maybe this is my time to really have some game-changing, mind-bending fun?!

I started to dream of a life in Paris... Toronto even... California maybe... fuck I might even take a cabin in the woods.... a cottage in the country. New York is home but it's starting to feel unfriendly here. It's a great place to live in a misanthropic bubble. It's a great place for those who want to be surrounded by hundreds, thousands, millions of people at once... yet live in fear of even one of those individuals getting too close. In short, I'm beginning to feel like New York is not feeding me right now. It's not giving me the energy I need. And if I know anything about myself, it's that I need the sparkling energy of human to human connection, on a consistent basis. It can't happen in a place where people's primary motivations are everything but that.

As a slim, confident, badass Dominican woman, needless to say I relate to Zoe Saldana. She was engaged to some guy for a little over a decade and is now pregnant with twins, after marrying a sexy Italian artist named Marco Perego after a breezy and very short courtship. She's 36. She is just beginning a new chapter of her life at an age where most people (including some people I know) are completely giving up. I'm currently crushing on someone young and vibrant who has the entire world ahead of him, and it inspires me, and makes me think about age and the passage of time. If I were to marry someone younger than me, or even older than me, is the marriage more profound in my eyes because I'm younger? Older? Is it a more lauded achievement for the younger person in the couple? Why? The day is just as special for both of the people involved.

It makes me think about how we all have the same 24 hours in a day, and what is age really? A marker of where you should be in life according to societal expectations. We think 25 is young to be a millionaire, but it's too old to be living at home. Even though I consider specifics and circumstances, I generally think that way too, and I'm currently questioning why.

Ultimately, I have begun to feel that I have more time to do the things I want, instead of less. 30 is no longer an end goal.... precisely because I had unknowingly made 25 an end goal... and now that 25 has come and gone... I've been faced with the reality that life goes on.

Life doesn't just stop when you get the things you want. It continuously asks of you.... what's next? And other than going in the direction of my dreams, I truly do not know... but I am thrilled to find out.

My greatest dream, revealed:

Lady Blue

After years of distraction, countless dead end jobs and a brief stint as a life coach, I am finally ready to admit the truth.

The truth is that I figured out what I would LOVE to do... but it was hard to admit it to myself, let alone the people around me. It seemed silly, presumptuous, out of reach almost. But if I couldn't even say it out loud, in the quiet of my solitary presence, how could I expect to attain it? How could it ever happen? And more importantly, why let the prospect of coming across “too cocky” give me pause? Perceived arrogance has never stopped me before.

So this is me tossing that grain of doubt out the window.

My ultimate dream is to make a six figure living... by being myself. I'm a blogger who has often been asked what my blog is about, (though it's fairly obvious if you just read my tag line). People had a hard time grasping that it was about me. I never wanted to use fashion as my vehicle, or food, or my nonexistent children... I didn't feel the need to be a “such and such” blogger. My personality has been my vehicle, and I know it's more than enough. For the foreseeable future, I would love nothing more than to create content for this here blog by writing, shooting videos, creating photo spreads even (!) showcasing my taste, thoughts and opinions on the world around us.

Instagram: KnownasBlue

Why? Well frankly, I've never met anyone like me. I'm a young New York Latina who is bright and well-spoken – a rare spirit who people of all races and genders can find common ground with, without much effort on my part or theirs. I have the logical, go-getting fearlessness often associated with men, and an affinity for beauty and fashion reminiscent of your typical woman. I have the balanced cultural perspective that comes from being raised by forward-thinking immigrant parents and a lackadaisical 'all things are possible' America. I speak Spanish and straight talk, I'm a badass with my head screwed on right, and I know I scare you a bit, but I'm positive I intrigue you more.

I enjoy the cheekiness of Lady Gaga and Drake, and the rest of my playlist goes from reggae to house to jazz by simply pressing shuffle. My favorite movies were directed by Woody Allen and Spike Lee, respectively. I find glimpses of myself in arrogant loudmouths like Chelsea Handler and her total opposite, Damon Dash.

The biggest reason why though, is that things in the sphere of popular culture are getting stale. If we're honest with ourselves, save for a few glimmers of light, the circle containing 'what's hot' has fallen flat. Not only that, but true depth and diversity are completely missing. Where are the people who look like me? (And talk like me and dress like me and act like me?) Better yet, where are the types who have diverse likes, the types who don't fit neatly into a socially pre-approved box?

The world needs a spark from a diverse young woman who makes you think and laugh and keeps you on the edge of your seat... or at least, the sphere I exist in does.

The first photo I ever uploaded, a candid taken while waiting for a friend.

I'm not Leandra Medine of ManRepeller or Emily Weiss of IntoTheGloss or Sophia Amoruso of NastyGal... women all who rose to prominence with the help of their multiple industry connects. I don't do cocktails with fashion magazine editors or have NYMag journalists on speed dial. If there's anything you learn as you grow and branch out creatively, it's that you can't wait for someone to choose you. Starting this blog a few years back was my way of choosing myself. And taking things to the next level via visuals is my way of choosing myself a bit more. But telling you guys how much I want this, how much expressing myself in this way means to me, is my way of giving you a chance to choose me.

If you have any ideas about how I can achieve my dream, introduce me. Choose me. We've already come this far.

Why I write, as explained by Dear Coquette [formerly Dear Coke Talk]:

ON THE METHODS TO MY MADNESS:
Ugh coke, what happened to you? you used to be witty and funny in your cynicism. now you just sound like a jaded old dried out cunt whose lost her thunder.
I was never a cynic, fucknuts. There just happened to be a moment when you and I disliked the same things, and during that time you thought my writing was witty and funny.
Now that we don’t dislike the same things anymore — or more likely, we happen to disagree on one particular issue — I’m suddenly a “jaded old dried out cunt whose [sic] lost her thunder.” How convenient. (Keep reaching for those clichés, by the way.)
Over the past five years, I've grown very in tune with the cyclical nature of both building and maintaining a large base of readers. Most people think growing an audience is a steady upward climb. It’s not. The metrics are far more fascinating than that. What actually happens is that you gain readers in discrete bursts and you lose readers in discrete bursts. It’s an elaborate wave function.
Folks who pay attention to this stuff are usually satisfied to gain as many readers as they can during a positive burst and lose as few readers as they can during a negative burst, thus ensuring the maximum readership over time.
This type of behavior consists of two basic public relations postures that are fairly easy to spot. During positive bursts, the posture is one of relentless self-promotion followed by repetition of whatever gained popularity (otherwise known as “publicity.”) During negative bursts, the posture is one of apologetic self-flagellation followed by relative silence (otherwise known as “damage control.”)
So yeah, aside from the consistent output of quality content, the only trick to engaging your largest possible audience is knowing when to say, “Look at me!” and when to say, “I’m sorry.” (I’m not going to discuss deliberate attempts to gain readers in discrete bursts. That’s called marketing, and paying for it is called advertising. Either way, it’s artificial growth, and people can tell when you’re doing it.)
Now, I bring all this up, because while most people who do this kind of thing are interested in building the largest possible readership, that’s not always the goal. It’s certainly not why I do what I do here. Sure, I love having a large audience, but large is not the same thing as wide. I’m much more interested in keeping the right readers over time than I am in keeping the most readers over time.
The trick to doing this is in my ability to spot the negative bursts as they happen and then use them to my advantage. Case in point: Yesterday, I dashed off an angry response that ended with, "You should kill yourself."
Despite the fact that I was being sarcastic in the face of outrageous misogyny, I immediately felt the initial rumblings of a negative burst. (So be it. You can’t control when these things happen, but I do find it hilarious that no one seems to remember that I ran an entire side-blog called “Just Kill Yourself” back in the Dear Coke Talk days.)
If my goal had been to maintain maximum readership, I simply would have replaced the, “You should kill yourself” line with, “I hope you die in a fire.” (This in itself would have been a subtle dig at the silly whims of political correctness, because while it may be fashionable to scold people for joking about suicide, no one gives a shit about the delicate sensibilities of burn victims.)
I abhor political correctness, and tumblr is awash in hashtag activists and social justice warriors who take immense delight in their duties as semiprofessional finger waggers. Those are exactly the kind of people I don’t want hanging around, so later that afternoon, I loaded the top three answers of a fun-sized advice with incendiary language to provoke a deliberate response. Right on cue, my inbox fills up with whiny self-righteousness. I picked the submission that best represented a certain type of person, and then crafted an ad hominem attack specifically designed to personally offend that certain type of person.
It worked. It always works. (If you've read this far, you’re probably a regular reader, and you can remember any number of occasions when I left my ring on during a bitch slap.) Point is, I’d much rather have a say in the type of readers I lose when it inevitably comes time to lose them. I lost a couple hundred followers with that last post, and probably pissed off a thousand more. That’s fine with me. I’m glad they’re gone.
This isn't something I do because I disagree with a particular point of view. It’s something I do because every once in a while, it’s good to clear the echo chamber of all the whiners. It becomes so much easier to hear the relevant conversations when they’re not around.

I originally posted this without comment... but have decided to share why. I came across a few people who began mansplaining about my content, my site's look, my photos... etc, which made me tweet something to the effect of: If it were up to other people, all my writing would be haikus, and I'd be photographed in tiny dresses gazing longingly into the distance, on a minimalist website.

But that wasn't enough. You see, I had to post this to make it clear that I'm not here for you, and I never was. This blog is about me, and always will be. And the right people will understand that. Coquette is completely right when she says that interest ebbs and flows. If you're interested in maintaining quantity, you have to develop this manufactured, faux modest, perfect post at the ready persona. You have to be on crack to think that I would ever do that to gain the favor of people. EVERYONE IS DOING THAT. I am not everyone. And that has been the reason I have always stood out... and that will be the reason that I continue to. I too am much more interested in maintaining the right readers, over maintaining the most readers. Attracting quality has ALWAYS been my modus operandi, it's why I'm so selective in life, and it's why I write whatever the fuck I want online.

Into The Gloss Top Shelfie - the extended, up close and personal version

Many of you may have landed here from my feature on Into The Gloss... which I was honored to write. It was a such a thrill to have my words right up there with the likes of Cindy Crawford, Pharrell and tons of talented beauty editors and fashion people.

I mentioned only my very favorite products in an effort to condense my Top Shelf and not make it unbearably long. For those who are curious, and perhaps share my same skin tone, skin type or hair type; here are some tips and random details I omitted, plus an extended list of all the products I own skincare wise and beauty wise. [As an aside, I'd like to do a huge stash clean out, so all items with a star next to them are yours for the cost of shipping, USA only – aren't I ever the entrepreneur?!]

Details about me:

• It was my birthday on Sunday :) so this whole thing is like a super awesome, belated, virtual gift. Who knew my obsession with skincare and finding effective products would bring me here?
• I'm a writer which means this here blog, scattered contributions all over the web, a poetry book/teenage memoir, a novel about ambition and a screenplay about breaking and being unable to save yourself – the last three being works in progress.
• I'm an entrepreneur, which means: I'm a life coach, champion ebay seller, and a gracious airbnb host... for now.
• ITG edited out a lot of my snark [and curses!]... it was probably for the best.
• I have tried products from practically every line on the market, the ones I mentioned are truly the best of the best.
• Due to the inability to find a moisturizer that is JUST RIGHT, I am developing my own. Be on the lookout for that!
• I am working on producing some new photoshoots and videos/video blogs – starring myself, and would love any help. Photographers, videographers and other creative types, give me a shout!
• You can find me on facebook, twitter, tumblr, instagram, vimeo, right on this blog [all under 'KnownasBlue'] and all the links to those things and more on my main site: www.KnownasBlue.com

Tips & Tricks:

• I use Makeup Artists Choice Mandelic Acid Cleanser as a body wash on my neck, chest, back and shoulders. It keeps things clear and smooth and bright.
• Mad Hippie products are highly effective and a great bang for your buck.
• Etsy has some great sellers who really know their stuff, I like Fig + Yarrow and JJLabs.
• I cut and file my nails one day, paint them the next day and hop in the shower right after painting. Any polish on my skin ends up rubbing off.
• Yuli Skincare's best product [in my opinion] Cell Perfecto PM broke me out [due to the jojoba], but I really believe it's amazing and worth the money. You should definitely check it out if you have scarring or a bumpy skin texture.
• Sunday and Thursday nights are my spa nights, in other words, treat yoself time. Sunday is right before the week begins, and Thursday is right before the weekend. I take this time to deep condition my hair, clean up my eyebrows, polish my nails, trim and shave, gaze at myself longingly in the mirror, and do a full body scrub. After I'm all done, I slather myself in oil and take a nap.
• Deep conditioning your hair... apparently it helps to put a shower cap on and wrap a hot towel around your head on top of that. I can't say I've noticed any spectacular difference, but it sure does feel comforting.
• For hyper pigmentation I can't recommend Makeup Artists Choice Peels enough – I like the Mandelic and Lactic Peels... the former for my face and the latter for my body. MSM and Turmeric also help, internally or externally.
• Rolling scars, box scars, pitted scars can all benefit from MSM or Vitamin C applied topically. I saw improvement in my own skin in just a few days. JJLabs has a great 'high efficiency' serum that combines both ingredients as well as a host of other effective things. I ordered the 25% version because I'm intense, and it was only $18! Total lifesaver.
• I steam my face sometimes before doing a mask. Nothing crazy, I just turn the coffee pot on with no coffee, pour the hot water into a bowl and hover over it with a towel over my head all the while inhaling the scent of java. Mmm. Five minutes is enough, or else I start getting claustrophobic and sweaty.
• I put all of my toners in spray bottles to mist on my face when I'm hot, parched or in need of luxury.
• Matter of fact, get yourself some nice bottles to put all your oils and toners in. It'll make you feel dangerously fancy.
• Don't spend a ton of money on things that literally go down the drain, like cleansers. Spend the most money on things that stay on your skin, like treatments or moisturizers. 
• Spend the most money in general on things that you want to look their best. For example I have super finicky skin so I don't mind dropping serious money on skincare as well as a gorgeous foundation. I'm typically running around the city for long stretches of time so I spend money on fragrances that last. Eyeshadow and lip stuff on the other hand? Who cares.
• I LOVE hydration and exfoliation and masks. If you really want to keep it simple, do these three things and you will be A-OK.
• Sometimes I take a break... I'll get of the shower, towel off, throw on a loose shirt and just let my skin and vagina breathe. It's important to have fresh air.
• I don't sleep with jewelry on, hair ties, underwear or a bra - and you probably shouldn't either.
• Figuring out I was allergic to so many products was BIG for me. Not only was I suffering from hormonal acne but then all the products I was using were exacerbating my skin condition!!! I was pissed! Whiteheads and tiny red spots, as well as large swathes of red or flaky skin are generally indicators of irritation. Pay attention to this, and compare and contrast ingredients to pinpoint your triggers.
• I enjoy being brunette and would never dye my hair red, black or blonde, but I have found that Revlon's Colorsilk Luminista "vibrant color for dark hair" takes my hair to a light chocolate-y color, that's as accurate as the shade on the box.
• Baby wipes. If you don't think you need them, you're wrong! I use them for everything, and that's not a lie.
• This isn't a beauty tip, but I really adore these clear toothbrushes from Muji [as well as their plain bottles and organizational containers]. These toothbrushes are the only ones I use, and I buy them in bulk.
• And lastly, I don't exercise at all [unless you count dancing in high heels for three hours at a nightclub, or walking around the city endlessly], but apparently health and fitness are important, so get into it or something. I may just be bored enough to try this aqua-cycle thing one day.

Stars are born, not made

“Power has got to be the most intoxicating thing in the world – and of all forms of power, the most intoxicating is fame.”

Oh the illustrious Diana Vreeland. What a game-changer. She's right. Fame is so scarily seductive that it was always hard for me to admit I wanted it. “Not fame as we know it,” I'd say. Something else. But ultimately, I want to be known, and I want to influence people to do better, think or just laugh.

I read that as a young girl, she had always looked for the perfect woman to idealize, and having never found her decided “I shall be that girl.” In many ways, this describes my life and my journey to where and who I am now.

I grew up in a small, dead end suburban town, skinny with perfect diction, surrounded by girls who favored squeezing their still developing bodies into tight denim, who spoke with nasally Nuyorican accents reminiscent of Rosie Perez. We were different, and upon entering middle school, and later High School, I immediately knew. I liked books, they liked boys – and we shared no common interests, which luckily, meant that no one bothered me, and I definitely didn't go looking for them.

Sometimes in certain classes, we took turns reading. Whenever the teacher called on me to read, I would listen for the familiar deafening silence between my words, the class listening intently to my husky for my age voice and effortless pronunciation. It was then that I knew the respect that my presence could command. I was regarded as quiet, but certainly not a weakling, and definitely not dumb. I spoke when necessary, otherwise deeming everyone and their teenage toils as beneath me. I excelled in classes that naturally held my attention, while slacking off in others, innately knowing that no human had to be good at everything.

As I began to grow, I took the things I learned through books, through carrying on with new people, through unfiltered observation and I began to assemble myself. At some point, the kind of girl I wanted to be became a paramount occupation. I started to daydream, imagine and wonder. And I knew there was no other place for me but the city. Paris was a contender, but it was too far. I figured I would start closer to home.

“- ravishing personalities are the most riveting things in the world -- conversation, people's interests, the atmosphere that they create round them -”

Over the years I have become a unique and alluring personality, adept at reading and reeling in others with a relative ease. Who I am is a perfect blend of what I was born with, and the neat things I picked up, like an interest in chic style and neutral palettes, an extended vocabulary, and reverting my consumption to most things natural.

I skipped school and I'm not a Beyonce fan, and I don't see the point in small talk and I moved to the city of my dreams with $200 in my pocket. I do what I say I will and I know myself, and I always have. I think connection is one of the most important things in the world, and I make money because it makes my life easier. I am not indecisive, and when I say I am brilliant and gorgeous and I am utterly in love with myself, I'm not lying.

I don't care about what's popular, I care about what's actually good, what makes sense, what has soul and passion and flavor and depth. Does it move me? Does it show my brilliant mind something I haven't heard before? Does it make me better? Does it expand my perspective? I care about what's relevant to my interests, and I'll readily admit that those things are of limited scope.

Diana Vreeland was a neon mind in a world of gray. She was the woman she was partly due to what she was born with, and partly due to what she learned on the way. This world forces you to dream to get through it, it forces you to shape shift to get by in the outside world, but also to survive your own. Diana became who she did out of pure necessity, it's obvious to me that part of her mental fantasy was a colorful attempt to stay vibrant in our dull reality. As a result, she became intoxicating. I think there were some people who found her overwhelming, fantastical, commandeering. She never obtained lasting power, but she was able to attain fame, and I believe she felt that suited her. After all, it was the top tier of power, and when it came to herself, Diana only wanted the best of the best.

Online dating questions that put me to sleep:

Do you have more pics?

How is your day going?

How was your weekend?

 

What are your plans for the day?

Where in the city do you live?

What do you do?

 











What's your ethnicity/background?

Do you speak Spanish?

How many siblings do you have?

I only know who this person is because of Twitter.

What do you do for fun?

How tall are you?

Do you go to the gym?

Would you like to meet for coffee?

Can I take you out for a drink?

What are you doing today? Wanna meet up?

I still love white dresses and ruffles, but my style has definitely evolved:

THE OLD ME:

 

THE NEW ME:

Y'all ain't ready, that's all I know.

Maybe I've been reading too much Penelope Trunk, but I have a five year plan:

And it goes a little something like this:

I've tailored my dating search to focus only on successful men. This means white collar professionals, or those making at the very least $80,000 a year or more. No blue collar types, no guys still in school, no doctors even, and definitely no con artists or hustlers. So the pool I've honed on are pretty much rich guys. And not counting the guys who are arrogant assholes, these men seem to be split evenly into two camps.

Camp A) A woman needs to pull her own weight alongside me.

and

Camp B) I will work hard enough for the both of us.

Guess which camp I am working at this summer? Although truthfully I prefer a blend of both camps, and a while back was more into Camp A, the only camp for me is Camp B. Why? Many reasons.

One, the men in Camp B have more of my desired attributes – kind, loving, considerate. I want a man to be captivated by me, to want to spoil me, and be receptive to being taken care of in return. One of my deepest secrets is that I want to spoil and be spoiled by a mate, forever and ever. That's just my personality, and I'd like for my partner to share that trait.

The second reason is that, if I have kids - which most high earning men seem to want, because they have the provider gene, and need to feel like all their hard work is worth something - anyway, if I have kids, I plan on raising them myself. No nannies for me, at all whatsoever. I don't even want a housekeeper, mostly because I like to clean. It relaxes me. But back to my original point, if I have kids, I plan on raising them, and that's at least 4 years at home for each kid, and if I have my way, I'll have three. Two boys and a girl. That's a lot of time at home, raising wayward babies into model citizens. There would be no point in ramping up a career, only to scale it all the way back when I'm in a position to raise babies.

But this brings me back to a choice I made just two and a half years ago. I decided to quit the workforce and work for myself, virtually. This was for two reasons, one that the present me would benefit from and one that the future me would benefit from. The present reason was to allow me the ability to travel, and the second reason was so that in the future, I wouldn't drop out of the workforce completely. I'd still have my books, and my creative things, and my various income producing channels; as any entrepreneur should.

I'm serious about living life in the best possible way for me, and it's obvious that I've been making steady plans since I was old enough to have agency. It shocks me that other people do not live life as right.

What I absolutely need in man (written, unbelievably, while sober*)

Because I am every man's dream woman, I thought it might be helpful to share what a dream woman seeks in a man. I used to have a helluva list, but I've since learned that none of you read, so here it is, the magic combo, boiled down to four palatable bullet points:

• SUCCESSFUL because I'm not trynna deal with no broke, struggling, miserable ass dude. If you're a boss and still miserable, just know that your ass sold your soul for some bread and now I'm gonna have a blast with it... because if you're gonna make me your sole source of joy, well I need to be compensated for that in other things. I want a fly apartment, and shopping sprees galore as well as money to invest in my business, books, photo shoots and the like. I'll cook and clean... and that's if I'm not working on my own endeavors. Your housekeeper is what, $50 a week? Yeah, if that's gonna keep a smile on both of our faces, keep her. You can judge me as a golddigger all you want, but I paid for more than enough men and made more than enough last year to sit comfortably in this position. Ask me if I care. Do it.

• INTERESTING because you need to bring out the best in my personality and keep my easily bored ass entertained. If you lack passion in your life, some kind of beat to your tone of voice or a refreshing perspective you can count my ass OUT. I can't help it; average Joes, routine people, platitude thoughts, predictable behavior bore me. It bores me so much it gives me a headache. And an advil can't cure that kind of headache, only a permanent escape will. I can't be the only entertainment in this affair, for that I'll need a mic and to be paid.

• GOOD-LOOKING because I went from a 8 to 9 in the course of a year and I really refuse to even glance at someone that's a few notches below that. What a fucking insult. If you are not at least a 7 before upkeep and grooming don't even think about saying hello to me. I'm fit, trim, classically and universally beautiful with a toasty complexion that makes me look healthy and bronzed all year round. Like a trophy. You need to look worthy of standing beside me in that glass case. The world is watching, and my body doesn't get hot for anyone who isn't tall, chiseled and stylish with perfectly proportioned facial features. If you have crazy confidence, I'll forgo style. I don't need a Ken doll... but I need at least an 8. Get it right, get it tight, and don't mislead me with photoshop and filters you foul ass liars.

• KIND. No more being taken for granted, lied to, misjudged, bored, dragged and played in the two zero one four. No more emotional immaturity, no more lack of commitment, no more wannabe men dragging their damn feet and wasting my cotdamn time because they don't know which way is right-left-up-down-like-dislike-want-need or rebuke. GOODBYE. Go ahead and grab this one way ticket to hell if you don't know how to open a door, how to say thank you, how to take your wallet out to pay on a first date, or if you don't have any common sense or knowledge of the golden rule! Treat me well, treat me considerately, because you have no reason not to treat me any other way. I'm pleasant, I have manners and I'm special. And if you don't know these things, your horny thirsty ass needs to NOT ask me out on a date. This ain't playtime fools, this is real time and you better bring your A-game and go hard for an A-class chick or go home!

And before you start, anyone who knows even a bit about me knows that I offer these things and plenty more, for the low low price of having the four bullet points mentioned. Good riddance otherwise!

*Fuck you, I've never even been drunk. BYE.

Strides

“I hope I can follow established procedures today. On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.”

This is my daily struggle, as an ENTP [MBTI], an extrovert - intuitive - thinker - perceiver the “Visionary” who always has million and one ideas floating through their head, so many that it makes it hard to pick one with which to follow through.

I haven't written in a long long while, it's been so long that I don't even want to check to see the date of my last post. Other than leaps and bounds in mental and emotional growth, not much has happened. I made a lot of money very quickly last year. I thought I fell in love with someone, and after it was all over, I realized that I never was.

I feel calm, comfortable, and HAPPY, and did not realize what a load I was carrying until it lifted.

I'm dating again, because I want to and because I'm ready. The real thing is out there waiting for me somewhere, I just know it. And I wouldn't be me if I didn't go out there and look for it. Dealing with people is so much easier now that I trust myself enough to completely listen to my gut. I don't wait for proof now, any semblance of a sinking feeling is proof enough. The only regrets I have are related to people I let in, despite my gut warning me about them. No more chances. My heart can't take it anymore.

I'm making a lot of new strides. When I first decided to become an entrepreneur, I spent a lot of time at home, with my head down, my eyes glued to my computer screen. I was obsessed with reading and research, and stayed inside because it was comfortable and minimized the amount of money I spent. After months of working for someone else, and a few more weeks of interpersonal trial and error, I was tired of dealing with people, their quirks, their anxieties, their instability. I was focused on me, my business and making this virtual thing work.

So for the first time in a long time, I'm back out there. Dating, meeting new people, making new friends. Telling strangers my life story, giving things a shot, trying to be patient when I feel like someone just doesn't understand, and trying to give people the benefit of the doubt without compromising the warning signs of my gut. I'm also seeking people to work with, makeup artists, photographers, videographers and beatmakers. I wonder about how to give people the space to create their best work, while still overseeing every step of the process.

I'm selling most of my closet on eBay and have been since the fall. It's time to make the transition from pieces that evoke color, comfort and youth to ones that look sharp, wise and cool like I've always dreamed. It's profound how things have changed for me now that I'm beginning to look like the woman I've always wanted to resemble.

I feel like I'm always in a state of transition and have often thought that it would be SO nice to write a post where I say “This is it. I'm finally here. Where I want to be.” But, if I'm honest, I know that growth and betterment is what life is all about. And more precisely, it's what I'M all about... an ENTP strength is the fact that they're extremely interested in self-improvement and growth, personally and within their relationships. So even though I'm not yet where I want to be, I can honestly that I'm closer than ever to getting there.

I hate that my posts can be so vague, but transparency will make an appearance via video. Stay tuned.