Monday, July 28, 2014

On goals, youth, aging and rebuking my type A timeline bullshit

These two are flawless as fuck.

A few days ago, my eldest sister gave me the “You're getting older, time to start getting serious” talk. My jaw practically fell to the floor, because A) I couldn't believe this ageist bullshit and B) I'd been nothing BUT serious for my entire adult life. I spent the bulk of my early 20s struggling to get on my own two feet, and when I wasn't doing that, I was stressing myself out just thinking about it. I lost 10 pounds within the first month of moving to New York City, and I've never gotten that weight back.

I'll admit I had a mental timeline for myself, imposed not by family or peer pressure, but my own teenage fantasies of what I wanted my adult life to be like. I had a handful of goals I wanted to accomplish by age 25, and I did. Some of those achievements felt right, they made me feel like I had snapped the correct puzzle pieces into place. I had moved to the right city, I had my own space, I had the right look (and the courage in which to present it), I had the right temperament, I had no boss. But some of my achievements rang hollow... they didn't make me feel accomplished and great, but they didn't make me feel bad either. The accomplishments that did nothing for me were lessons. I learned that money, while great, isn't as fun if your connections are weak and your friends are broke. I learned that a physically gorgeous man who loves you is nothing when he doesn't really mean it, when he doesn't see who you are beyond your physical shell. These scenarios were epiphanies about value... the true value of riches, and the value of truly being valued.

After my birthday in early June, I began to feel a bit lost. All of my goals had been reached in one form or another, and my mind was constantly buzzing with the question “What's next?!” I started to wonder why I hadn't planned anything past the age of 25, did I not think I was going to live past that age? Did I assume that looking good and feeling good and living in NYC would be enough to skyrocket me into the rest of adulthood? I started to think about the only premonition I had left for my twenties. I always had a sense that around age 27 something major – love-wise - would happen to me. I imagined a marriage, an engagement, a whirlwind yet built to last romance, and felt 'sure', the way you feel when your gut is positive about something. But that's a year from now and I can't tell if I'm closer to that outcome than ever or even farther away. I started to oscillate between settling down and firing up. Heck, I only have a handful of years til I'm 30... maybe this is my time to really have some game-changing, mind-bending fun?!

I started to dream of a life in Paris... Toronto even... California maybe... fuck I might even take a cabin in the woods.... a cottage in the country. New York is home but it's starting to feel unfriendly here. It's a great place to live in a misanthropic bubble. It's a great place for those who want to be surrounded by hundreds, thousands, millions of people at once... yet live in fear of even one of those individuals getting too close. In short, I'm beginning to feel like New York is not feeding me right now. It's not giving me the energy I need. And if I know anything about myself, it's that I need the sparkling energy of human to human connection, on a consistent basis. It can't happen in a place where people's primary motivations are everything but that.

As a slim, confident, badass Dominican woman, needless to say I relate to Zoe Saldana. She was engaged to some guy for a little over a decade and is now pregnant with twins, after marrying a sexy Italian artist named Marco Perego after a breezy and very short courtship. She's 36. She is just beginning a new chapter of her life at an age where most people (including some people I know) are completely giving up. I'm currently crushing on someone young and vibrant who has the entire world ahead of him, and it inspires me, and makes me think about age and the passage of time. If I were to marry someone younger than me, or even older than me, is the marriage more profound in my eyes because I'm younger? Older? Is it a more lauded achievement for the younger person in the couple? Why? The day is just as special for both of the people involved.

It makes me think about how we all have the same 24 hours in a day, and what is age really? A marker of where you should be in life according to societal expectations. We think 25 is young to be a millionaire, but it's too old to be living at home. Even though I consider specifics and circumstances, I generally think that way too, and I'm currently questioning why.

Ultimately, I have begun to feel that I have more time to do the things I want, instead of less. 30 is no longer an end goal.... precisely because I had unknowingly made 25 an end goal... and now that 25 has come and gone... I've been faced with the reality that life goes on.

Life doesn't just stop when you get the things you want. It continuously asks of you.... what's next? And other than going in the direction of my dreams, I truly do not know... but I am thrilled to find out.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

My greatest dream, revealed:

Lady Blue

After years of distraction, countless dead end jobs and a brief stint as a life coach, I am finally ready to admit the truth.

The truth is that I figured out what I would LOVE to do... but it was hard to admit it to myself, let alone the people around me. It seemed silly, presumptuous, out of reach almost. But if I couldn't even say it out loud, in the quiet of my solitary presence, how could I expect to attain it? How could it ever happen? And more importantly, why let the prospect of coming across “too cocky” give me pause? Perceived arrogance has never stopped me before.

So this is me tossing that grain of doubt out the window.

My ultimate dream is to make a six figure living... by being myself. I'm a blogger who has often been asked what my blog is about, (though it's fairly obvious if you just read my tag line). People had a hard time grasping that it was about me. I never wanted to use fashion as my vehicle, or food, or my nonexistent children... I didn't feel the need to be a “such and such” blogger. My personality has been my vehicle, and I know it's more than enough. For the foreseeable future, I would love nothing more than to create content for this here blog by writing, shooting videos, creating photo spreads even (!) showcasing my taste, thoughts and opinions on the world around us.

Instagram: KnownasBlue

Why? Well frankly, I've never met anyone like me. I'm a young New York Latina who is bright and well-spoken – a rare spirit who people of all races and genders can find common ground with, without much effort on my part or theirs. I have the logical, go-getting fearlessness often associated with men, and an affinity for beauty and fashion reminiscent of your typical woman. I have the balanced cultural perspective that comes from being raised by forward-thinking immigrant parents and a lackadaisical 'all things are possible' America. I speak Spanish and straight talk, I'm a badass with my head screwed on right, and I know I scare you a bit, but I'm positive I intrigue you more.

I enjoy the cheekiness of Lady Gaga and Drake, and the rest of my playlist goes from reggae to house to jazz by simply pressing shuffle. My favorite movies were directed by Woody Allen and Spike Lee, respectively. I find glimpses of myself in arrogant loudmouths like Chelsea Handler and her total opposite, Damon Dash.

The biggest reason why though, is that things in the sphere of popular culture are getting stale. If we're honest with ourselves, save for a few glimmers of light, the circle containing 'what's hot' has fallen flat. Not only that, but true depth and diversity are completely missing. Where are the people who look like me? (And talk like me and dress like me and act like me?) Better yet, where are the types who have diverse likes, the types who don't fit neatly into a socially pre-approved box?

The world needs a spark from a diverse young woman who makes you think and laugh and keeps you on the edge of your seat... or at least, the sphere I exist in does.

The first photo I ever uploaded, a candid taken while waiting for a friend.

I'm not Leandra Medine of ManRepeller or Emily Weiss of IntoTheGloss or Sophia Amoruso of NastyGal... women all who rose to prominence with the help of their multiple industry connects. I don't do cocktails with fashion magazine editors or have NYMag journalists on speed dial. If there's anything you learn as you grow and branch out creatively, it's that you can't wait for someone to choose you. Starting this blog a few years back was my way of choosing myself. And taking things to the next level via visuals is my way of choosing myself a bit more. But telling you guys how much I want this, how much expressing myself in this way means to me, is my way of giving you a chance to choose me.

If you have any ideas about how I can achieve my dream, introduce me. Choose me. We've already come this far.