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| Me on a Wednesday. |
[Note: I originally wrote this last Friday and was gonna post it
then, but I wanted to wait until I had a relevant picture to attach.
Last minute I settled on the one above, because I don't know if Drake has cameras in my house or what, but that photo is basically me on any given day. I know this has very little relevance to this post, but you guys are just gonna have to deal.]
So anyway, on to it.
Not too long ago it hit me that the same skillset I developed to
get myself out of a suburban snoozetown and into a big city; out from
under the care of chaotic, abusive and negligent adults and on my
own; away from a controlling atmosphere with dead end prospects to
freedom and the big blue world... would not be the same skillset that
would take me from where I am now... a fairly well-adjusted adult
with lots to be proud of, thankful and grateful for – to the next
level – a very well adjusted (and well-traveled!) adult with a
flush bank account, a hot mate, a fulfilling career and an endless
array of fun and kind friends. Different goals require different
skillsets you see. There are indeed, levels to this shit.
Over the past year, after moving out of the lovely lovely place I
called home for 5 years, I have done quite a few soul-bending,
mind-expanding, purpose-clarifying things. I have traveled alone,
twice, to places where I did not know the language or many of the
customs (France and China), without letting money or lack of a travel
companion stop me. I have gotten reacquainted with my family, myself
and why I needed to get away from them in the first place. I have
made new friends, and had a few lovers, and then quit seeking out
romantic relationships entirely. I have dug deeper into my artistic
spirit, exploring the whys and the outcomes I wish to achieve via
writing and creating other content. I have reaffirmed what is
integral to my happiness now (having a place to call home, consistent
creative expression, friends who understand and respect me), as well
as what happiness looks like for me in the near future (more of that,
and less overall confusion and time wasting).
So I'm readjusting. And adjusting and adjusting and adjusting. At
one point I thought I'd move to France. Until I visited. Another time
I thought I'd become a chemical engineer. Then I realized that
although I have the brain for that type of shit, I certainly don't
have the heart. There was a period of time where I fantasized about
giving it all up and living the hermit life in a tiny house in the
woods. Then came all the logistics... like where and how I would get
food, how and where I would earn an income to pay my little bills
(because woods or not, a girl needs wifi), and how I would miss NYC
so much I would barely be able to cope. I fantasized about falling in
love with a man who expected nothing of me financially and was fine
with me writing from home, tinkering with projects, penning books,
occasionally folding laundry. But unfortunately, I haven't met any
men like that around these parts, and am starting to believe that
there are barely any men like that at all anymore. And I don't just
mean men who are providers, I mean men who believe enough in your
dream to support you in achieving it.
So many career-oriented self-help books focus on knowing what you
want, confidence, things like that, which does little for me because
I have those things in leaps and bounds. I know what I want, but that
doesn't make it any easier to take a step forward, especially when
many of my dreams sound almost ridiculous and impossible out loud. I
seek out the answers to questions I have, and even google seems
stumped by the challenges I face. I look around me, at friends and
acquaintances and all the other people I know, and feel like I see
different shades of the same thing. People treading water, making
their few hundred bucks every week, blowing through that and then
landing in the same position the next week. People with degrees and
qualifications struggling to find jobs that pay a living wage. People
with tons of time and no money, or tons of money and no time. People
who are prioritizing their jobs over their physical and mental
health, trapped in a “never enough” vehicle that blares
“SCARCITY” at every turn. People who are scraping by, living at
home or with boyfriends or five roommates or maintaining several
hustles just to afford existing. Blowing money to feel better but
never quite able to change their habits, leaving no money for
emergencies or for a vacation or for quitting. People who only think
as far as the next day, because their future is too bleak to
seriously ponder. I see people in the same ol predicament, their
insides crying for a change, their outsides too afraid to make one.
People are running at top speed, with no water, no rest, wondering if
their legs will give out before they make it to the finish line.
People going nowhere fast.
But I want to go somewhere. I'll admit I'm a perfectionist. It is
a trait that has gotten me here, here being a well-read, worldly,
picture of good mental and emotional health with a stunning physique
and a closet to match, but it has also stunted me when I have tried
to move forward. I look around at the people of power and high status
in this country, and recoil at being part of that. I second guess. I
doubt. I question, maybe a bit too much. I have wanted projects to be
damn near perfect, or “as good as I can get it” before even
thinking about releasing it to the world. I have scrapped projects
entirely because I couldn't get in the right groove to make it
game-changing. In the world of a perfectionist, there seems to be a
fine line between your heart saying no and self sabotage. I have to
close the gap between good enough and mastery, even if that means
letting go and letting gawd. Because ultimately, I look up and see a
massive gap in the world, and I know that only I can fill it. I am
starting to follow my creative instincts, and just letting it flow,
like water or the wind or whatever. *nature sounds
So anyway. About the plan.
Finding creatively inclined friends is one of my major desires
right now, because I've never had those, and I have no doubt they
would enrich my life and my work. So I am attempting new connections.
I've always loved making friends, I've always felt that they were a
necessary lifeline, but I've accepted that perhaps out of
self-preservation and a little bit of ignorance, I've been pretty
discriminatory. For example, I was pretty sure I'd NEVER come across
an employed artist. Ha. I've decided to approach this from multiple
angles. I'm forcing myself to go to some meetups in the city, most
that cater to my interests. I've put online dating on pause for an
indeterminate amount of time in order to force myself to get
acquainted with my extrovert personality again and to better focus on
my career goals. I think online dating was making me awkward and
anxious, and frankly, nearly everyone I met online had a serious
emotional impairment. Not my bag. So on top of that major adjustment
(I was online dating and socializing on and off for like, the past 5
years) I've decided to be more... open and empathetic and
...forgiving. I can't exactly have a dozen interesting people to
phone and chill with if I cut every one of them off as soon as they
get on my nerves! So I'm learning. Another thing I've learned is that
although I'm a very versatile person and always dreamed of having a
friend I could shoot the shit with, talk about deep topics with, go
clubbing with, talk makeup with, travel with, go to museums with...
not everyone has that capability. In fact, practically everyone I've
ever met has like, two modes. But I've accepted that people don't
have to be everything to me, and sometimes two enjoyable elements in
a person are fine enough.
Some of you know this already, but I'm plowing ahead with writing
my book. No publishing, no editor (yet), no outside push to do this.
It's not the first book I've written, but it is the first book that I
considered releasing for public consumption. It's about ambition, and
why we do the things we do, why we wake up in the morning. It takes
place in New York City, and follows seven different characters of
various ages, genders, occupations, and of course, ambitions. Some of
them have made it and are unhappy, some of them have “made it”
with unexpected consequences, and some of them will never make it –
just like in real life. I'm also incorporating the seven deadly sins
into the tale, but not in a cliché, overwrought way. Basically it is
this intriguing, super decadent, wonderful story that I am so in love
with and feel absolutely compelled to bring to life. But the process
is hard. (Duh.) I find sometimes that my personal thoughts get
tangled into my novel, and then I'm forced to sort it all out, strand
by strand, like knotted necklaces. Sometimes I won't write for days,
and then a day will come where I'll sit down and bang out chapter
after fluid chapter as I hadn't neglected the novel for however long
before. I want to do better, but I'm also not sure that there's any
one right way for a writer to write, or for any creative to create
for that matter. Sometimes I seek out counsel, but find myself
rolling my eyes at its triteness. But if I'm honest with myself, I
know I need to learn discipline in this respect, even though my need
for indulgence is at odds with that. The Big Five personality test
says that I score moderate (50%) on conscientiousness, meaning I am
fairly average in my tendency to respond to impulses and achieve
goals, so I'm not totally off base. I've worked a bit with “The
Artists Way” and a guy I went on one date with sent me “Letters
to a Young Poet” (which apparently changed Lady Gaga's life –
love her!), so I have some tools. But I want to do better. So if any
of you have any resources, tips or tricks for how to become
disciplined, especially after a lifetime of doing ones own thing,
please reach out. I need HALP.
The third thing is... I'm starting a podcast. A LOT of people have
begged asked me to do video blogs, but I'm not ready to be famous,
let alone be SunKissAlba's more interesting, more eloquent,
doesn't-really-look-like-her-but-she's-also-Dominican doppelganger on
el Youtube, so I was like naw. But since some of my thoughts feel
like they would come across better as “spoken word”, I felt a
good compromise would be to start a podcast. I've decided to name it
“Conversations with Lady Blue”, and once I can learn how to edit
my fucking intro song on audacity, it will be up and running. (If you
or someone you know knows how to edit audio, PLEASE EMAIL ME! It will
save me a week of trial, error and frustration.)
What else?
In a month or two, I'll be apartment hunting in the city. So that
will be a job of its own. One that is unpaid and full of anxiety and
desperation. Send me leads! (I'd obviously love a studio or a 1
bedroom so I can flourish alone, but I'm open to apartments with two
roommates max who don't smoke, have pets, touch my shit, or expect to
be talked to constantly. Rooms with private bathrooms shoot to the
top of my list, as well as any apartments in Brooklyn, of course.)
So the new year has introduced a money overhaul. I took the best
of You Need a Budget (assign every dollar a job, live off last months
income, save monthly for infrequent expenses), Mint (gives you good
sense of where all your money is going aka what is valuable to you),
Dave Ramsey (debt snowball), Suze Orman (Young, Fabulous & Broke)
and whatever else I could scrounge together from the personal finance
subreddit, and I created my own “financial budget plan of
satisfaction excel sheet galore” that I plan to implement this
summer. It will allow me to splurge with even less guilt, while
continuing to pad my savings account, creating a nice little cushion
that takes years of stress off my mind and body. (I sleep sooo much
better on a bed made of money, don't you?). I had to be honest with
myself about the most random things, like the fact that I need a
haircut every 6 weeks instead of every 3 months because my hair grows
like a weed and the fact that no matter how many clothes or beauty
products I have, I am miserable without a shopping & beauty
budget. I also allowed myself $200 or so for things like random
expenses, extra charges, cabs, cleaning supplies and my skincare
supplements (which are STILL working their magic! Matter of fact, I
really need to do a #TopShelfie follow-up post). I also have four
savings accounts – Home, Luxury, Travel and Emergency Savings, plus
an etc savings bucket for when I wanna do spontaneous shit like buy a
bike, or a car, or dye my entire head of hair copper red. Budgeting
for those odds and ends and miscellaneous extras is really important.
So yeah.
Things I'm loving right now:
- Bite Beauty Amuse Bouche Lipsticks – I have meringue (peachy nude), pickled ginger (electric pink), pepper (mauve) and sweet cream (peach rose), and want thistle (purple tinged nude), sake (purple mauve) and one of the reds (I'm torn between tannin, gazpacho and sour cherry). I'm thinking about hitting the Bite Beauty Lab and creating a custom color because meringue isn't pink enough for me and I might like pickled ginger better as a sheer shade.
- Drake's One Dance *heart eyes emoji* Actually, Drake's whole VIEWS record was pretty dope. I agree with everyone that the record doesn't show much lyrical progression, but sometimes it bes like that. And sometimes the people critiquing Drake haven't progressed at all in their whole entire lives, so there's also that.
- Mina Myoung – A flawless dancer and choreographer at 1Million Dance Studio in South Korea, who is basically my idol now.
- The writings of: DearCoquette, Penelope Trunk, Jen Dziura of Bullish, Jessica Crispin formerly of BookSlut.
- The stars: Chelsea Handler (Chelsea Does was great), FKA Twigs (in general), Cardi B (I am sooooo relieved that she fixed her teeth!)
- Orphan Black season 4... (but the entire show is amazing, really).
- The Bad Boy Family Reunion Concert that I went to last Friday. The show had mic issues, and I wasn't a fan of the crowd or Diddy's "performances" but I give him props for bringing out damn near everyone: Mary J. Blige, Usher, Ty Dolla Sign, Mario Winans, Carl Thomas, Faith Evans, 112, Total, Cassie, Lil Kim, The Lox, Lil Cease, Jay-Z, Nas... and there's probably more, but that's all I can remember.
- My new, baby blue, All Saints, suede, BABY BLUE, leather jacket, THAT IS NEW.
- Avocado Oil – as rich on my skin as argan oil, but sinks in much faster.
- Arcona – I just ordered their Booster serum, Vitamin A serum and Hydrating Serum and am singing their praises all over again.
- The Big Five Personality Test – I scored very high (92.5%) in openness, high (80%) in extroversion, moderate (50%) in conscientiousness, low (50%) in agreeableness and very very low (17.5%) in neuroticism. I'm not sure why 50% is seen as moderate in one category and low in another, but who cares, because they're both accurate for me.
- Toronto – I'm trynna get there and party to mad reggae this summer.
- Hong Kong – It turned out to be surprisingly charming, despite the psycho, cocaine-snorting, diabolical narcissist I had to deal with when I was there (Tedla Ebou Khan). Details coming :)
And lastly, I am loving that I can make the space to grow, that I
have the self awareness to improve, the guts to make hard choices to
ultimately have the dream life that I've always desired. The goal is
to go into my 30s with all the worries and problems of my 20s
assuaged and solved. Or else, I'm just a lazy bag lady.
