Thursday, January 14, 2016

Change it or Accept it – the Motto for 2016 and Beyond

Been there baby.

I felt a tightness in my chest for hours on Monday. I woke up with it. I feel like I awoke disappointed or something, and then for like 72 hours, carried around what can only be described as a heavy heart. Even on days where things are relatively good and fine, I feel a tightness in my chest, a weird pretzel knot of anxiety and/or stress and/or worry. And it's most likely because of the people I'm surrounded by, by default. I say by default because these are family members and old friends whom I've known for years, with lovely hearts – good people who ultimately mean well. But the majority of them have one terrible, awful, no good, bloodsucking, draining, maddening, bad habit.


Endlessly. About the same thing. For years.

And do nothing, at all, to change or improve their situation.

They just go round about in circles, thinking that they're making progress, but they're just examining their problem from another angle, with another magnifying glass. They're doing the same dance with different moves. They are going nowhere fast, and want to tell me all about it.

My understanding and rational nature, excellent listening and insightful advice-giving skills are being wasted on the shiftless. Monday alone I had four people complain to me. Two complained about their jobs. One complained about their relationship. And the last complained about both their relationship and their job. I know another person who complains about everything from their job, to their relationship (or lack thereof), to their friends, coworkers, and the price of fucking tea in fucking China.

I have been unhappy in situations before, I may be unhappy in situations again. But I know how to gather the courage and change things, or accept them if I truly can't or don't want to change them. When I am dissatisfied, I wholly trust that I will do what is needed to bring myself back to a place of satisfaction. I say that I'm fearless, but the truth is I sometimes feel the fear, but I do what I have to do anyway. I do not let fear stop me; EVER. My sanity, my happiness, my everyday calm depends on it. I am worth it. All of these people suffer from low self worth, negative mental chatter, cowardice, laziness or all of the above. Sometimes people are so deep in the bubble, so roped into their routine and their everyday life that they can't see the possibilities outside of that. Most times I get stuck on how to proceed because I don't know HOW to proceed, or what to do next. But in the age of google and the internet and the world at your fingertips, there is really no excuse.

And if you don't know what to google, start with the first thing on your mind:

Why am I so unhappy/stuck/angry/sad?

How can I get a job that pays me well/that is fulfilling/that is located abroad/as a photographer?

How do I handle a partner that is jealous/abusive/neglectful/selfish/amazing? :)


Here are some examples of things that I accepted or changed over the course of my life:

My city: If you know me by now, you know that I grew up in West Bumblefuck, New York in a small town full of bored kids. I realized early on that in order to reach where I wanted to be – which at the time was an indeterminate place known as “somewhere way up high in the glittering New York City skies” – I had to get out of there. (Adele says the same thing here and J. Cole expresses a similar sentiment in the first 15 minutes of his Homecoming Special.) I ended up moving out of my Mom's house at 17, and moved to NYC two months after my 19th birthday, with lotsa courage, few street smarts, and $200 in my pocket... and the rest is history.

My appendages: For a while, I felt like my hands and feet were kinda big for my frame. I obviously couldn't change this, so I chose to accept it by focusing on their positives: my nailbeds are pretty, my nails are healthy and grow long quickly, my fingers are long and feminine. My feet look beautiful in heels. Both my hands are feet are slender, narrow, and elegant in appearance...

My home: Last spring, I was starting to feel super cramped in my NYC studio apartment. I had been there for 5 years, and I felt like the walls were closing in on me, and as much as I wanted a change, I was becoming afraid to leave, because when/how/where else would a find $700 rent in a safe neighborhood 15 minutes from Manhattan?! I even hesitated to go on vacation for a few weeks at a time, because how could I trust a strange subletter to not fuck up all the stuff I worked so hard to get? Stagnation at its finest. I moved out on my 27th birthday and a month later flew to Paris, where I planned to spend the summer.

My wanderlust: I wanted to travel, see the world, experience new cultures, and party in new lands. I changed this by visiting Paris on a whim last year. (I also hope to hit Hong Kong this February and Toronto in the Spring.) I had wanted to see Paris since I was a teenager, and I figured why not scratch this destination off my list now that I have the travel itch? BUT while in Paris, I accepted the fact that although I love to travel, living out of a suitcase and sleeping on a new bed can be hard for me, since I am someone who likes security, and having all of my clothes and things not only readily available to me, but organized “just so”. Traveling and moving from place to place constantly requires constant adjustments, whether to your personality (you have to be more accommodating, more quiet, more friendly), or to how you're used to living (doing your makeup out of a bag over a tiny sink in a cramped bathroom requires much more strategic thinking - and patience! - than putting on your face in front of your well lit vanity). My coffee made with Parisian water never tasted quite right, and I missed strange things about America while I was there; like the foreign accents I was actually familiar with, New Yorkers, my unscented detergent (many detergents are France are heavily fragrant and floral), drinking water that tasted fresh instead of heavy (see: Evian water). I missed trains that ran all night, modern conveniences (like large elevators and air conditioning and actual customer service) that France seemed to be behind on, and ultimately - being understood. I cut my two month Parisian adventure in half and returned excitedly to NY, knowing that I was ready to embrace it fully again.

My multilingual aspirations: I wanted to learn French and began to, until the trip went bust, and then I accepted that I wouldn't need to anymore. As of now, there's no other language I want to learn.

My money: Over the course of my adult life, I have typically had enough for bills, a few pieces of fly shit and an outing or three, but that was never enough for me, since I wanted to work less and LIVE (aka ball out) more. So I chose to change that by deciding to not only finish my book in 2016, but to attend school for Chemical Engineering, because that kind of coursework excellent challenge for my brilliant, rational mind and a lucrative career won't ever change the fact that I'm an artist. (But if I met a lovely man who said "Baby, go ahead and write ya fruitless books while I pay these bills..." woo chile...)

My body: Ten years ago, my body was pretty perfect. Between adult stress, low appetite and food being well, expensive and not a grand priority, I lost 10 lbs that I have yet to get back. I am officially, and have been for a while now, “too skinny”, skinny enough that I'm not totally comfortable with my shape. I TRIED to accept this, but I just can't. I want my hips and ass back, and I want the bones in my chest, shoulders, and wrists to soften. I changed this situation two days ago and ordered a weight gain supplement that I hope works and doesn’t make me grow a potbelly or an ear out of my arm.

My health: Other than dancing for hours when I go to clubs, I don't exercise at all. Yes, this svelte frame and tight skin is all genetics baby! One of my goals this year is to start a fitness regimen and maintain it. I want to do something like Aquacycle Mondays, a Hip Hop dance class Wednesdays and Barre on Fridays. I want to feel more limber (I was going to say flexible, but I'm already double-jointed), more energetic, tighter overall, with less back pain. I want to have some kind of routine and muscle development in place before 30 when everything supposedly goes downhill :-/

My writers block: Finishing my book is my #1 MUST DO this year. My book was taking me longer to complete than I'd hoped, so I accepted that I needed a nudge and ordered “The Artists Way” to pop the cork on my blocked creativity. Resistance is a bitch. Learn to recognize it, and kill it dead in its tracks and you will always prevail.

My reservations: I determined that unlike most people I don't have a fear of success OR failure – I have a fear of fame. Now before you think I am some kind of presumptuous cocky bastard – which I am sometimes, just not in this instance – my whole life I've had this strange magnetism. To a degree, I get it, I'm uniquely attractive, personable, poised and well-spoken. But there is an I-can't-quite-put-my-finger-on-it charm and appeal and intrigue surrounding me that makes people put me on a pedestal and want more and become strangely addicted or obsessed. There was a point in time that people were beginning to recognize me from this here blog, and instead of embracing it.... I freaked out and stopped writing. The aversion has less to do with me being unable to handle fame, and more to do with me only wanting attention from select people (aka people I like and admire). I have never wanted the admiration and attention of the general public, and frankly, I never will. With all that being said, I have accepted that this may stop me from doing video blogs, and saying yes to certain creative opportunities.

Three things I can't decide whether to change or accept are: learning to drive, learning to swim and having kids. I can see all the benefits in them... but I guess I'm in no rush to nail any of these things down at the moment.

My lovers: 
I once dated someone who:
  • Couldn't decide between loyalty to their dysfunctional mother or me.
  • Wanted me to move Texas, had no plans to make more than 40K in their lifetime, and had no taste.
  • Tried to change almost every aspect of me physically; from my weight, to my style, to the way I did my hair and makeup. I later found out this person carried on affairs/cheated with at least 10 other people.
  • Attempted to use me as a replacement for his crazed and sex addicted ex girlfriend that he was not yet over. This man also loved to have discussions about racism, though he strongly preferred to date non-black women (even though he was also Black) and had never experienced any racism himself. “You need to know your place!” he once screamed at me on a crowded Harlem street.
  • Had an addictive personality and couldn't get enough of weed, masturbation or accolades at work. He would also fly into jealous rages (presumably while high), had an uncomfortable codependent relationship with his family and once remarked that his sister had a “fat ass”.
  • A high powered executive in the movie industry who wanted me to be nothing more than his trophy.
  • Flip flopped between being an inspiring, attentive lover to a suicidal misanthrope who constantly felt sorry for himself. This person was also often unreachable by phone, broke and emotionally unavailable.
  • Was physically, mentally, and emotionally lazy and thought the pinnacle of success was acquiring a designer wardrobe.
  • Played video games 6 hours a day all the while hoping that someone would swoop in and save him from his misery.
  • Was in his 30s, working at the DOPE store in LA, with two kids from two different women, living at his mothers house, who tried to gaslight me into believing we were destined to have a BDSM relationship with each other, and that oh, I was crazy.
  • Borrowed $500 from me and disappeared upstate, never to be seen or heard from again.
  • Chased and chased and chased me and became a complete lazy sack of shit once I gave in.
  • Was 6 years older, from Barbados, president of the cool guy club, brilliant, calm, collected and probably into some criminal shit and who knows how many other girls.
  • A famous DJ who would tell me about all the famous exes I resembled (Noémie Lenoir for instance) and had a habit of chucking constantly in place of speaking.
  • A sexy financier who scooped me up at a club one hot night, would fade in and out of communication, but would “randomly” bump into me at parties multiple times in the few months after, hovering around me and staring intently at me, but never saying much.
  • Had aspirations of being a truck driver at the tender age of 21 and referred to his mother as a“fucking whore”. He was also an awful kisser and chain smoked.
  • Texted me “I'm on acid” one random Saturday night.
  • Was cool enough, but had a very bland, agreeable personality, with no real measure of depth or individuality.
  • Remarked “Good luck with that” after I was vulnerable and shared a lifelong dream with him.
  • Lived off Mommy and Daddy's money and thought that hardship was having to delay his application to Med School.
  • Kissed like a fish and thought that grabbing my neck and yanking me towards him as hard as he could so that I would kiss him would go over well.
  • Was in his mid 20s, directionless and living at home, and thought that sharing a story about mistakenly eating a roach would be a good ice breaker. He cried when I asked for time apart.
  • Was in the navy and would always say he wasn't ready for a relationship but would frequently commit to monogamous relationships with other women in between visiting me.
  • A sexy DJ a decade or so older than me who had a foot fetish and a tendency to pick apart my looks and throw tantrums.
  • Didn't know what they wanted out of dating and expected to just figure it out as they went along.
  • Had a double life at home in Germany, and lied about his name, age, and who knows what else.
  • Showed up to a first date wearing a cowboy hat, thermal shirt and sneakers with a platform in them. He later confessed he had a son and still lived with the mother of said child.
  • Always gave me a bad gut feeling, despite being chipper, “nice”, and the type to always say the right thing.
  • Was so insecure, he averted any direct eye contact and practically whispered to the waitress when we went out to eat.
  • Got jealous at the thought of any man even so much as looking at me, frequently going into frothy mouthed tirades, and asking invasive questions only to follow them up with “Never mind” before I could answer.
  • Swept me off my feet when I was a teenager, dropped me, then popped up 10 years later because he realized I was "the one" and he finally wanted to make it work.
  • Begrudgingly paid for things (dinner etc) and then would coyly remind me of it.
  • Loved to play Devil's Advocate and debate.
  • Didn't want anything “serious”.
  • Was an “alpha male”.
  • Became an obsessed stalker.
  • Had long hair.
  • Had a 6 inch long beard.
  • Was indecisive.
  • Lived in/was from the Bronx.
  • Lived in Florida.
  • Lived in Delaware.
  • Had a child.
  • Was in a relationship.
  • Smoked weed.
  • Was too white for me.
  • Was ugly.
  • Was too old for me.
  • Was too young for me.
  • Was a Scorpio.
I chose to change all of those separate situations, by dumping them all. One by one, good fucking riddance. (And before you get really worried about my dating choices/options, save for one of the aforementioned individuals, I never dated any of these people past the two month mark.)

My love life: Despite all the wackadoos I have met and dumped in my decade of dating, I am still hopeful I will find my whirlwind love. One of my three resolutions this year is to "Find love", and my action plan for that is "continue dating". My discernment and likes are so refined at this point that that's the only action plan I need. I am not wasting time anymore, I won't go on dates with guys "just to see" or "because they're nice" or "maybe he'll be intriguing in person"... I always regret my decision after dates like that. I'm letting the duds see themselves out, and I'm only devoting my energy to people I find sexy and intriguing. There are only so many hours of the day, so much talking I can do, so many questions I can ask/answer, so much vulnerability I can display before I tire out and need a few days break. But lately things are looking good. I have a glowing orb of lovely light in China that I'd like to take a closer look at...


  1. Are you still writing your book? I looked for your gofundme account but it was no longer active. How would someone go about donating to you?

  2. Yes, I am still writing my book! To donate, please see the contribute link in the right sidebar!


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